Do you think we should listen to our DD and stop trying another baby??

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, we've been trying for another baby for 7 years now. Our daughter is 9 years old and has learning difficulties. She loves her family life and doesn't want anything to disrupt that. She doesn't like sharing or change and has made it quite clear that she doesn't want a sibling! She loves babies, but doesn't like it if we make a fuss of them. She gets very jealous and cry's that we don't love her anymore etc.
It's so hard, as we would desperately love another child, and I think she would too, given time to adjust. But then sometimes, I wonder if she ever would adjust to it?
She was like this when her baby cousin was born, she refused to talk to her aunty for ages, then cried to her saying "You will love it more than me!" As soon as she was born though, it was love at first sight. Now she wants to see her all the time. She'll even get a few of her own carefully selected toys out for her to play with. She'll just take them back if she thinks they aren't being treated gently enough.
Do you think we should respect her wishes and not try any longer, or take a chance that she will come around to the idea?
My DH if possible, wants another one more than me. It's been really getting him down recently, as it's the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world, and it's not looking as though it'll ever happen. I'm wondering now, if it's just not meant to be, because of our daughter and it just wouldn't be right for her.
If any of you have been in a similar situation, please share your stories, good or bad. Thanks.

[lljkk]

not in a similar situation, but if I may be allowed tuppence: I can't help but think that your DD must get used to change in her life, and not to fear it or find it impossible. I wouldn't plan my life around her difficulty with change, I would want her to have experiences of learning to tolerate it.

[mummyloveslucy]

Thank you, and I'm sure you're right. I'm just worried that she won't ever learn to tolerate it.
If anything, she's getting worse with this, but then she's going through puberty early, so it could be linked. She's quite hyper and on edge most of the time at the moment.
I'd love to think that this would help her to cope with change and her jealousy. I wish we could've had another one earlier, before she became too set in her ways.
Anyway, it's a gamble I think we'll take.

[wafflingworrier]

I think she would adjust quickly and make a lovely older sister. honestly, she would be old enough to understand she is still loved and be able to help out and be included, all it would take would be some wise words from you which I am sure you are more than capable of doing (eg: you are SUCH a good older sister, look how (inster baby's name) smiles at you!) etc.
I wish you every luck at TTC and hope the new year will bring a baby your way

[wafflingworrier]

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[mummyloveslucy]

Aww, thank you! I do hope you're right.

[Chlorinella]

It's not actually up to her .
You would like another baby , as would your DH
She needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her

[mummyloveslucy]

Very true. It would be hard, but I think it'll do her good in the end.

My dad is an only child, and thinks she would be better of as an only too. He thinks it wouldn't be fair on her to have to share my time and have a little sibling interfering with her things etc.. He says he's very glad he was an only child and that we should do what's best for Lucy. (Keep her an only) My mum on the other hand thinks she would be fine eventually but knows it'll be tough on all of us in the beginning. She's absolutely love us to have another.

[Andro]

The aspect of learning to tolerate change/the world doesn't revolve around her/not her choice are all very valid points and in many ways I certainly agree.

The one aspect that would concern me is:

I'm just worried that she won't ever learn to tolerate it.
If anything, she's getting worse with this

If she convinces herself that she wasn't enough for you and her dad or that you've replaced her (possibly even have some unpleasant person suggest that her parents wanted a 'normal' child - some people can be awful!) then you have problems. Depending on what support you receive for your DD's learning difficulties, it may be worth seeking some professional help to guide you in managing her/the transitions for if you do conceive.

[Floralnomad]

My son ( no learning difficulties ) didn't want a sibling ,he was very happy as an only child . We had our dd when he was 6.5 and they have literally in the last 2 years started to get along and they are 21 and 14 . He's a lovely person ,they just never got on ,that said yesterday he went out shopping with a girl friend and bought his sister 5 new tops ( she has health issues so doesn't get out much at the moment) . It's been a long ,and at times very annoying road but I think we are finally getting there. Good luck .

[mummyloveslucy]

That is exactly what she thinks Andro! She's said to me before "Why do you want another baby, you have me!" and "If you have another baby, you might as well throw poor Lucy in the bin!" I've tried to explain that we'd love her just as much, but I don't think she believes it. She would feel as if she's being replaced.
She even got jealous of her younger self the other day while watching an old DVD of herself. She said "You love baby me more than big girl me!" Apparently it was because I was carrying her around and I don't do that anymore. (I guess the fact that she's now 4 foot 10 doesn't come into it?)
Would there be organisations/ people who could help her with this?

[GemmaPomPom]

If you have another baby, you might as well throw poor Lucy in the bin!

I have to ask, do you think she might just be a wee bit manipulative? Sorry, don't know the nature of her SN but she sounds incredibly indulged.

[Floralnomad]

I'm sorry but some decisions are not the child's to make , if you and your husband want another child then have one ( if you can) ,it should be a decision made by two people not children , grandparents and random strangers on the Internet.

[LunchLadyWannabe]

I think the child does get a say if it affects her life in a big way, which a sibling would.

In your situation, i dont think its fair to bring another child into the world when you know the baby will be resented by someone it lives with. Do you think your dd would harm the baby?

I think its wrong to bring another child into the world knowing it will suffer emotional abuse or physical at the hands of their sibling. This damage will last a lifetime.

I understand the point made about children dont get to decide, but the decision must be right for all the family.

In your situation its too much of a risk.

[Branleuse]

I think you should put it off till she's older.
She's telling you quite clearly that she cannot cope with even the idea just now

[Andro]

Would there be organisations/ people who could help her with this?

I honestly don't know, maybe someone on the SN children's boards would be able to advise you.

I do know what it's like to feel replaced though and it's beyond devastating, my relationship with my mother has never recovered and I no relationship with the twins (although that is because I actually was replaced as opposed to just believing it - what impact your DD's difficulties would have on her ultimately differentiating between fact and belief I don't know).

[mummyloveslucy]

She would never harm or be cruel to the baby. She is the sweetest, most gentle child you could meet! She may have strops from time to time, but door slamming, or foot stamping is the worst we've had in terms of physical aggression. She's not manipulative either. She doesn't have the capacity to be. These are her true thoughts and feelings.

She didn't want her cousin to be born either, but absolutely loves her! She was jealous at first, but took it out on us, telling us not to look at her, hold her etc. She said "She's MY cousin."

I think, If it were to happen, we could ease things a bit, by making sure Lucy has time to see, hold the baby before other family do. I'd have to make regular times with just the two of us, and make sure the baby doesn't play with Lucy's toys. (That could be hard!)

[insanityscatching]

I have five children, my fourth child has autism, I fell unexpectedly pregnant when he was seven (eight when dd was born) I would never have planned another child, ds was aggressive, destructive, still in nappies and just starting to speak. I was very scared to be bringing something small and fragile into a house where anything he got hold of got thrown or broken. He didn't particularly like his older siblings, hit them often and would destroy their possessions if he got a chance.
Dd was born, we had plans in place to keep her safe (using childminders if we had to) ds was prepared for the noise, the disruption and learned a lot about babies. He visited in hospital and dd had brought him a beloved beyblade. He was fascinated by her and was always gentle with her.
Now ds is 19 and dd is nearly 11 they adore each other and always have. He has never been rough with dd. He is her "favourite boy" and she is his "baby girl" He allows dd to touch his things (has even given her his things) she is allowed to hug him (no one else can) and they tease and torment the other three in a team. From being tiny she has helped him "Come here my boy" was one of her first sentences because she says he's special. He loves her and watches out for her.
Dd has been the biggest blessing, ds has learnt so much from her and she brought sunshine into what was a sad and stressed house.
I would say with the right preparation Lucy might well enjoy having a sibling too. Oh forgot to say dd has autism too so you might want to look into genetics to see if you have an increased risk of having a second child with additional needs.