9 year old DD - I need some advice on dealing with her

[Pinkspottyegg]

I think I'm finally at the end of my tether and would even admit that I'm scared of confronting her and am embarrassed in her company at times in public.

I really need some advice on how to speak to her so that she will listen and understand why I'm saying something rather than just put her hands on her ears and shout 'Muuuuuuum, Muuuuuum, Muuuuuuum' really loudly until I stop and let her have her say.

At school I got fantastic reports from the teacher, saying how helpful and pleasant she was, always eager to please. At home I get the worst of her. She just talks over me, had no respect and a horrible tone to her speaking.

It's getting worse as she now extends this to other adults. e.g. round at a friends house, the Mums were having a blether whilst the girls watched a film and she comes over to tell me to keep the noise down as she can't hear the telly. We had friends to stay over at the weekend. She had to give up her bed and sleep on a camping mat on the floor of our bedroom but she left a rather cheeky poem (which she said was a joke) for the guests which hinted that she was feeling miffed at being put out of her bed.

We've had a very busy period recently with a house move and various other things. I'm trying to get on top of things so I've more patience with her but because I've had so much on I feel I've let things slide and in picking my fights have let her away with too much rather than deal with it.

Really need some constructive words to say.

Thanks for reading this far, it's been a while since I was on here.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

what do you say to her when she tells the adults to be quiet? Do you withdraw treats etc? If my 7yo DS did this I would say that if he ever speaks to me like that again we won't be going to a friends house to play full stop. Also if he is rude we take away the kindle etc for a day or to to let him reflect on his behaviour.

[Pinkspottyegg]

I glowered at her and told her not to be cheeky.

I do need to start withdrawing stuff, have been a bit of a weakling recently :(

She does get sent to her room and not allowed out until she apologises but a threat with a follow through needs to happen I think.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

we find that when we are being lenient with the children they will just keep taking and taking until we reel them back in again. Every now and again we have a crack down when we feel they are starting to take the piss and bring them back into line a bit. I think you are just at one of those times when you need to flex some muscle and let her know how far she can push it. I'm sure it will all be very easily sorted. Good Luck

[Chocotrekkie]

I've just gone back to using time out with my suddenly turned into a brat 9 year old for being rude/cheeky etc. also I am trying to spend more 1-2-1 time with her.

Seems to be working crosses fingers and wishes I could turn back time

[Pinkspottyegg]

Gawd. Things can change in an instant, it's like walking on fecking eggshells.

They got home from school, everything was fine and chilled. Made them snacks, had a nice chat about the day, had a cuddle on the sofa for 10 mins whilst watching telly. Made dinner, all good. She even started doing her homework without being asked. DS asked to go on PC to which I replied no as DD needed to go on to finish part of her homework then BANG. She bursts into total backchat as follows (adopt high, nasally, whiney voice):
DD: how do you expect me to do my words when I've not finished this bit yet? Honestly! [sighs] you just go on and on.
Me: what do you mean? I was just saying you can go on the PC coz last night you told me you wanted to do a bigger list and its easier on the PC
DD: muuuuuum, muuuuuuum, lets just finish this [hand gesture flat palm]
Me: [hitting hand on table to get her attention] we will not just finish it. All you had to say was you still had something else to do and you can do your words later but there is no need to give me backchat
DD: carries on with homework and ignores me
Me: DD do you understand that you cannot speak to adults like that. If you keep doing that you lose something that you like
DD: whaaaaaat? Shrugs
Me: right, if you are finished that part go and get ready for Brownies instead and you can do words later.
DD: is rolling marbles aimlessly around table "once I've finished playing this game"
Me: taking marbles off her "stop this testing nonsense and go and get changed"
DD: perhaps if you asked nicely I wouldn't give you backchat (walks out door)

At this point, to my shame, I go after her and shout at her to come back in. She keeps walking and I shove her back in the room and explode. I sit her on the sofa and I sit on a chair. I calmly wait for her to stop the (false) hyperventilating. She keeps at it. I calmly tell her that I've had enough of her behaviour, that she knows exactly what she is doing because she'd never speak to her teachers like that. I am taking her Horrible science books from her and she will keep losing things she likes until she behaves.
She continues to hyperventilate and look terrified though I can't help but feel its just an act. Her two pals arrive as I take them all to Brownies and she is still acting it. I calmly ignore her. Once in car, she's all smiles and laughter with her pals until I ask her something when she again puts on the terrified face. They go to Brownies and I feel drained.

She skips merrily off and I honestly wouldn't put it past her for telling everyone at Brownies how awful I am so I can expect a knock on door from social services.

Am determined to be firm if she still plays up when I pick them up but am so tired of this. DH away a lot with work do got it all to do myself.

[stowsettler]

Wow. No advice, just admiration that you stood your ground. Hope she starts to come round a bit xx

[Pinkspottyegg]

Skipped out of Brownies and gave me a huge cuddle - Girlssssss!

[FunnysInLaJardin]

well done! If that had been me I would have been sorely tempted to say no Brownies, or Beavers for us, and I will tell your friends that you aren't going because you have been so badly behaved. They will have to go on their own. I would have been very very about that tbh. Of course I wouldn't actually do it in that situation but I would want to have scared her into behaving properly!