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How can i accept no baby number 3?

(10 Posts)
Sunshine123 Wed 28-Jan-04 21:59:44

I have two very healthy beautiful girls but feel broodier this time around than i ever did before! My partner is 10 years older than i am and says that he is too old to have any more plus he is grateful for what he has. I too am very grateful and deep down know that we can't have anymore due to money etc plus i knew how he felt about having children as he got older when we got together but i can't help but feel saddened by it all. I don't want to have to force him to do it (he would just to keep me happy) i just wish he would be broody and maybe if we wanted it together we could overcome the money thing. He finds having the children really difficult and gets terribly tired, not because he's old because he's not but he does have a very stressful job and no real rest at the weekends etc what with the kids about,i just wish he could cope better and enjoy it more. He's already said that (even though he loves them dearly) if he's known what having kids meant he never would've had them.
I could actually sit and cry right now at the thought of never being pregnant again! Has anyone got any ideas as to how to help me come to terms with this?

nutcracker Wed 28-Jan-04 22:52:34

Hi Sunshine, I haven't really got any ideas of how to overcome this but just wanted to say that i know exactly how you feel. I have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy and because i have had 3 sections and a problem with antibodies I have been advised not to have anymore. I am devastated by this, alot more than i thought i'd be. I am 25 and like you just can't imagine never having another baby. After chatting to other mums on here (just can't come to terms with it thread) I have discovered that people do have more than 3 sections and that my antibody problem doesn't mean I couldn't have another baby, just that it would be risky. I am in no postion to be having any more kids anyway as my relationship with dp is on the rocks and we are overcrowded where we live, but even so it doesn't stop me feeling so sad about it.

beetroot Wed 28-Jan-04 23:48:24

Message withdrawn

saintshar Wed 28-Jan-04 23:52:33

Just want you to know i know EXACTLY how you feel. I have two beautiful healthy boys who i love to disraction. It doesn't mater how much i tell people i long for another, they say i should be grateful for what i have - and i am!!
I have a feeling that i am 'not finished' but my DH wants nothing to do with it. He says we always said we would stick at two, so that's my lot.

stupidgirl Thu 29-Jan-04 00:02:54

I know how you feel. I'm only 23, and I have 2 beautiful children, but I'm a single parent. I know that at least for the time being I won't be having any more children - possibly never. It really upsets me. I adore my children but I've always dreamed of having a big family. I am one of 2 and I never got on with my sister...which I guess has something to do with it. My 2 seem to get on really well (for now at least) but it just doesn't feel as if I've finished. I want to adopt, and hopefully that will help...

I'm sorry, this isn't really helping. Just wanted to sympathise and send (((hugs))). If you are doing the bulk of the childcare and you think dp could be pursuaded, is this not an option? After all, you rarely regret having a child, but you may well regret it if you want to and don't?

suedonim Thu 29-Jan-04 12:07:14

I think an awful lot of women feel like you do, Sunshine, no matter how many children they have. I've got four children but still feel broody at times, as I'd have loved six children if our circumstances were different. I've come to think of it as part of nature's way to get us to reproduce ourselves! But I can snap myself out of it when I think of the sleepless nights, weaning, potty training, tanrums, endless school runs, sports days, tantrums and even more acute lack of money than now.

Jimjams Thu 29-Jan-04 12:18:35

How about focusing on what you do have rather than what you don't. You have two "very beautiful healthy girls" that's a lot.

I spent Monday at BIBIC . Although ds1 has significant difficuties a day or two at BIBIC always reminds me just how lucky we are, and I really do come away feeling grateful. It's a real leveller.

I think its natural to feel broody. I am very broody but think a 3rd could make life very difficult although it would be lovely. I wish I had a husband who didn't want anymore as I could accept that- but dh is as wishy washy as me.

Eulalia Fri 30-Jan-04 20:05:05

How old is your partner - what do you think of as being old? My dh is 58 (20 years older than me) and we have a 4.5 year old and a 21 month old. Neither of us have ever felt 'too old'. Physically a man can reproduce till he is in his 80s so it is not 'wrong' naturally for him to be a dad. I can't answer for your financial situation but maybe you are worrying too much about problems that may never happen. Sorry not really answering your original query.

RushingAround Mon 02-Feb-04 10:34:25

Sunshine - I know how you feel too, and posted on this last year. There have been a few similar threads in the past, so it's obviously a common theme.
My 2 are 6 and 3 now, and I've always felt that I'd like another - but dh is 45 now and says he's 'too old' for another. He doesn't want still to be bringing up a child at retirement he says. (I read Eulalia's post with interest - and hope - though!).
I've begun to notice a pattern in my broodiness, and wonder whether there is anything in it. It seems to really fit round my monthly cycle. During my period I have a sense of disappointment that there hasn't been a 'mistake' in the last month, and I start feeling more and more that I'd love to have another, and of course we could cope, etc etc. And I nag at dh and we have the same old discussions that he doesn't want another, and I do! That goes on until the PMT sets in just before the next period, I'm tired, ratty - and really worried that my period won't come, and how would I tell dh there's been a 'mistake' and knowing how really upset he'd be. And I accept that 2 is enough for us, I just need to enjoy what I have - and maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. And then the relief, phew when my period comes, I won't have to go through upsetting dh after all... And then the sense of disappointment comes again and I start thinking, oh, it would be so lovely!
I think that sense of broodiness never quite ever disappears for some women - and others seem just to be happy with their lot, or accepting, or have got what they want, and therefore are quite sure that they don't want any more...
I think I realise now that I won't be having another. Instead, I try and really concentrate on ds and dd and get the maximum enjoyment from them. It's a bit sad - but there again, we can't go on and on producing for ever. We all have to stop somewhere.
There's no denying that another child would be wonderful - but if one of us doesn't want it, even if he came to love it eventually, I don't think I would want to live with that pressure and guilt for the rest of my life.

Eulalia Wed 04-Feb-04 21:53:43

Read your post the other day RA and meant to get back. Interestingly dh sees retirement as an ideal time to bring up the children because he will quite simply have more time and be more relaxed.. mind you he is not a golf/pub man... in fact I'll probably go back to work and he can stay at home. They will be a bit easier by then, ie 13 and 10, unless we have another that is....!

The one big downside of course is that he won't see them into their late 20s but I will be around. My uncle has just died aged 83 and his youngest is 23 but she seems quite philosophical about it. Her happy times with him are really from her childhood and I'd say that was true for most of us. I am quite glad to be an old(ish) mum as the idea of still being around when my children are say in their 60s and getting old themselves just doesn't appeal...

Anyway witteirng on, RA you seem like an honest person - many women would jsut go ahead and get pg regardless of what their partners think. good luck with whatever happens.

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