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Shouting

(15 Posts)
pamelat Mon 01-Apr-13 22:41:12

who shouts at their children?

Pre children I was not a shouty person and wouldn't have thought I'd shout at mine sad

I praise a lot too, and adore and love my children(aged 5 and 2) but I do find that I shout when they arenaughty/driving me crazy

I don't want to do it and don't like myself for it

I'm recently on the pill again and have been told to giv it another month to see if it's hormonal or whether I am depressed/anxious

I just don't want my children to have a shouty mummy :-(

I don't shout all the time but I find that I get irritable very quickly and oftenwant to just hide away!!

The main thing that I can't cope with is the squabbling. In fact Im ok with just one of them! I feel much calmer with just one, but this is wrong isn't it?

I also find it a lot easier out of he house!!

Is this normal?!! sad

Flossbert Tue 02-Apr-13 21:31:08

I had almost the exact same conversation with DH last week.

Strangely though, I'm less shouty in the house than out of it. I suppose because I find it easier to ignore DD I'd she's behaving badly at home, whereas when we're out I suppose I feel like I have to be seen to be doing something and her lack of responsiveness and compliance makes me flustered and embarrassed.

No-one wants to be the shouty mum, but sometimes shouty happens. Does your DP back you up/ intervene in squabble situations?

RhinestoneCowgirl Tue 02-Apr-13 21:33:51

I think it's fairly normal, no one can be supernaturally calm all the time.

I do try and keep an eye on how much shouting I'm doing, and try various techniques if I feel like the balance is tipping into 'too much' shouting. Counting to 10 is a simple but good one.

notnowbernard Tue 02-Apr-13 21:38:36

I can be shouty

I wish I wasn't. I try really hard not to be - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't

Things that work for me:
Imagining there is a video camera in the room filming me
Reminding myself that I wouldn't talk to a colleague/client in this way
If it's too late for the above and I've already started I try and make it more of a generic shout rather than shouting at them in a personal way (think football coach or somesuch)

<runs off to dust off How To Talk>

blush

Flossbert Tue 02-Apr-13 21:53:59

Good tips, bernard - will try and remember them when trying to get DD dressed tomorrow. Particularly like the football coach one smile

notnowbernard Tue 02-Apr-13 22:31:28

I decided at the weekend I'd try REALLY hard these holidays not to shout

Yesterday I didn't shout
Today I shouted but, to be fair to me, I'd asked the older 2 about 5 times in a calm, controlled, nice way to pick their crap up off the floor (at least enough for me to see a few square inches of carpet, anyway). So I did get a bit ranty...

notnowbernard Tue 02-Apr-13 22:35:51

but it wasn't a personal shouting, it was directed at both in a "RIGHT! I'VE TOLD YOU 5 TIMES NOW TO PICK THIS UP, WHO IS GOING TO DO IT FIRST BEFORE I EXPLODE?!" kind of shout

(Mine are 9 and 6, btw, I'm not bellowing at tiddlerswink)

cakeandcustard Tue 02-Apr-13 22:45:48

Why don't people want to shout? I find that very odd ... shouting is very important, if they are not responding to you asking them nicely in a calm manner then you need to up the ante. Or if they are doing something dangerous and you need them to stop NOW rather than after a considered debate.
The only time I wouldn't advocate it is if you shout all the time to no effect. effect. Used deliberately shouting is a good way to manage behaviour

notnowbernard Tue 02-Apr-13 22:48:26

I don't want to shout because I don't really think it's nice being shouted at.
And it becomes futile when done too much
And I don't really want my kids to shout at other people so I need to rein it in myself...

mummy2benji Tue 02-Apr-13 23:34:36

While I think cake has a point to an extent, I think the shouting that we all feel guilty for is when we've lost it and just yell, even if the offence was actually minor and simply the straw that broke the camel's back. I have my moments of losing control too and shouting, usually more related to me and my patience levels - how much sleep the baby let me have - than ds1's (4) behaviour and I feel really bad then for overreacting and being such a shouty naggy mum. I've had a day like that today sad It's very hard when you're tired and want a break but you can't even manage 5 minutes to yourself without a child being "at you". If you find a magic source of patience from somewhere please let me know! I have the odd day where I feel pleased with myself for not having nagged / overreacted / snapped / shouted all day, but they are sadly rather rare. I'm hoping I can improve that ratio. One thing that helps is to remember my longterm goals for the kids - ie bringing up nice, respectful kids who don't think it's okay to yell all the time like Mummy - and this is really more important than if they've just traipsed mud into the living room ( actually that is a reasonable yelling offence in my book ) or scattered toys as far as the eye can see. That (sometimes) helps me to take a deep breath, count to 10, and respond in a calm and cool manner. Occasionally.

pamelat Tue 02-Apr-13 23:36:21

I guess shouting at them worries me as I worry it will do some long term damage? I know my dd doesn't like being shouted at
I don't shout a lot but I ask and ask and ask and then get cross and sometimes then shout
I want to be calm and in control, maybe that's idealistic?
My mother in law is a child psychology lecturer and has told ne how traumatised she was by her own mum shouting but presumably that was frequently?
But how often is frequent?
I bet if I have Borg children by myself all day then I shout at least once? I may write the times down
I'm quite sensitive to noise, I love silence!! I hate shouting so it goes against who I thought I was sad

cakeandcustard Wed 03-Apr-13 16:03:44

They'll get shouted at plenty when they are at school, I was a right wimp and used to take it to heart when the teacher shouted at the whole class.
I don't think you'll traumatise them with some carefully placed shouting at home ... only if you do a good impression of being a derranged lunatic at the same time grin

pamelat Wed 03-Apr-13 20:24:10

Do you really think? I have seriously seen the gp twice over my irritability/shouting etc but she didn't want to prescribe anything but said to sleep (!!) and get time out. She put me back on the pill the second time but only because I was crying I think?!

When I shout I am cross and dd hates it and I'd been feeling awful about it.

I still don't want to shout and am ensuring that I make time for exercise as that helps me in general but maybe it's not as damaging as I'd worried?

shebird Wed 03-Apr-13 20:47:42

Watching with interest as you sound exactly like me. I really don't want I be a shouty mum and was always a calm person pre children. I assumed i could cope with anything. I think it is the relentless demands on you mentally and physically it can be like torture and sometimes it all gets too much.

mummy2benji Wed 03-Apr-13 22:56:55

I am also the same. Have considered seeing the GP regarding an SSRI (?touch of PND) but can't help thinking it is just the stress of parenting combined with lack of sleep. Not unreasonable to see the GP again if you feel there is more to it though.

shebird I hear you! Couldn't have put it better myself. smile

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