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5 year old DD lied to me - not sure if I'm unreasonably upset

(10 Posts)
CoucouCache Fri 26-Oct-12 22:04:45

DD hit another girl in her class a week ago. I was told about it, and she was given timeout during playtime at school. Her class also has a tree, whereby if you've been very naughty, your name is put at the bottom of the tree, and then you get to climb back up to the branches once your behaviour improves. (sounds a bit convoluted, but it does work).

Anyway, since this hitting incident, I've been asking her, at pick-up, where she is on the tree and whether she had hit anyone.
She's always replied that she was high up in the tree and that she hasn't hurt anyone. This morning, DH went into the classroom and saw DD's name was at the bottom of the tree. Apparently, she had hit the same girl again yesterday lunchtime.

I'm very upset that DD lied to me yesterday by telling me that she hadn't hit anyone and had behaved so well, that she was at the top of the tree smile. As far as I'm aware, DD has never lied to me before. In fact, she's always told me whenever she's been in trouble at school or nursery. I've always felt so close to her and trusted everything she's told me.

I know it sounds OTT, but I feel as if this is the end of our closeness in telling everything to each other. Is it? Just need someone to talk some sense into me. And also, is there anything I can do or say to DD to ensure she doesn't lie to me again, or should I accept that this is just a glimpse of things to come? All I've said to DD is that it's wrong of her to lie and that I'm disappointed in her behaviour.

CoucouCache Fri 26-Oct-12 22:07:45

sorry ... thread title was meant to read: not sure if I'm BEING unreasonably upset.
and the smile was actually meant to be sad
god, it's been a long time since I posted grin

Felicitywascold Fri 26-Oct-12 22:11:47

Tricky, not sure what to say, but didn't want to read and run.

Only thing is dont panic, I'd say at 5 it's her beginning to test her wings. Making her aware that you can catch her out if she lies is the best thing. And showing her that you are disappointed.

crazy88 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:14:33

Did she tell you why she hit her? Has she hit other children before? I think I would have a chat to the teacher and say that you need to know if this happens again so that you can work with them on it. I wouldn't trust a 5yo to tell me if they had got into trouble. I think they often forget a lot of what happens during their school day by the time they get home so you could give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and take it up with the school instead.

KateShmate Fri 26-Oct-12 22:19:29

Sounds to me like she is trying to please you, OP.

Maybe its just me, but anything that happens in school happens in school - yes, if its serious then you have words at home if necessary but that's it. It's over and done with. The same as at home - if DC have been naughty in the morning, you wouldn't go and tell the teacher so that she could keep asking DC about the bad behaviour.

Sorry if its harsh OP, but to be honest I think you're being a little bit harsh on your DD. She was only telling you that she was high up on the tree so that you would be pleased with her and not keep going on about the hitting incident.
I don't think its anything you need to worry about, I'm 99% sure that your DD isn't turning into a compulsive liar smile

Jac1978 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:40:40

All children end up lying about something at some point. It's often just a misguided survival technique often learnt through peers. I think she chose lying as the lesser of two evils instead of risking your disappointment in her. At her age she doesn't understand that people feel hurt when you lie to them. I think the best way to handle it is to try and look past the lie and look at the behaviour that necessitated the lie. Why is she being aggressive towards this other girl? There is probably more going on than you realise and there is a reason she's been lashing out. I'd sit her down and gently her what happened with this girl rather than ask "why did you hit her?". Don't punish her for lying on this occasion, just encourage her to tell the truth, let her know you won't be cross and thank her for telling the truth when she does. It will show her that she can still talk to you. Please don't see this lying as an indicator of her changing how she feels about you. Lying is a "skill" they all end up trying at some point, it's a natural progression in her development and if you handle it gently you can teach her that telling the truth is more important.

midseasonsale Sat 27-Oct-12 20:36:23

She probably wants to be at the top of the tree, just like you want her to be there. Lying actually shows cognitive development, try googling the two. I wouldn't worry too much on that but instead concentrate on being gentle with others.

CoucouCache Sat 27-Oct-12 22:54:43

Thanks. Just needed a bit of reassurance that the trust I have in DD isn't about to fall apart because she's turning into a compulsive liar.
KateShmate, I don't think you're being harsh at all. I think you're right, as I do tend to go on a bit ... will resolve to lay-off her and keep what happens at school, at school.

As for the hitting - it's happened 3 times now, and always the same child. The teacher didn't seem to think it was a big deal when DH asked her about it (after the second time). DD says she hits because this girl follows her around the playground. Our feeling is that this girl wants to play with DD but DD lashes out because she doesn't want this girl to join in. We've explained time and again how she needs to be kind and let others join in. Will talk to the teacher again after half term.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom.

KateShmate Sat 27-Oct-12 23:11:46

Don't want to speak badly about the other girl as obviously don't know her, but maybe the teachers reactions could be telling you that this other girl is often like this (following people around). Maybe lunchtime staff have told her not to annoy your DD but she isn't listening, so maybe teacher is a bit more understanding? Otherwise I'm sure teacher would have come down hard on your DD, IYSWIM?

We've had sort of the same issues with our DD2 - she started school in Sep and we thought she would absolutely love it as she is very outgoing, confident and really clever - but she just hasn't as she says that the 'teacher doesn't like her'. When she got home we used to try and talk non-stop about school and asking her about things, before we realized that she was sick of talking about it! The same as when you've been to work and just want to talk about something entirely different.
I often think with things that happen at school, unless it is serious then you shouldn't have to tell your children off for things they've done there. If the teacher has done her job then she would hopefully have punished/disciplined children in a suitable way. Like I said, if its something serious then its different but otherwise I tend to just think 'What happens in school stays in school'. smile

Haemadoots Sat 27-Oct-12 23:19:56

Hmm well my dc has been on the end of being hit numerous time by the same child and it caused her (and me) a lot of distress so i dont think you are being harsh, I even said in desperation to my dc (then 3) to hit the other child back once but at 3 she knew it was wrong and would not do it

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