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10 month old Baby/Very sad Mum.

(45 Posts)
IHateBounty Tue 02-Oct-12 14:26:26

(Name Change.)

My Daughter is 10 months old and I feel like I am at the end of my tether with her.
From the moment she wakes up she just whines and moans constantly, even after being changed, fed, played with etc. She's stopped eating her solids, wont nap (instead will scream and scream until she can't hold off any longer) and wont let me change her nappy (a constant wrestling match, I have rang DH in tears in the past due to this).

She has also started getting vicious- scratching, pulling hair etc.

I'm in tears writing this. She's so defiant.
I haven't eaten a thing today due to her being so full on and I just don't know what to do. I know I sound like a terrible Mother, it's breaking my heart to write this.

On top of everything, we are moving house very, very soon and I haven't been able to get a thing done. DH isn't really interested, he works full-time (self-employed) and doesn't bother to reply to my texts on days like these.

Why doesn't she like me? sad

HalleLouja Tue 02-Oct-12 14:28:47

Hugs. She isn't being defiant she's just exploring the world. Its hard but does get easier or so I hope. She loves you.

Sit down get some food in you or take her for a walk to a cafe and get some food there.

Bellakins Tue 02-Oct-12 14:32:25

I'm sure she loves you very much! Sorry you're having a tough time of it. Do you think she might be teething?

You have my sympathies. My DD is 8.5 months and we have days like this. Hope things sort themselves out soon.

nancerama Tue 02-Oct-12 14:38:52

Go out! With DD, of course!

My DS has always been a very full on child, busy, inquisitive, active, exhausting. I ended up with nerve damage to my face during the hair pulling phase sad

I make sure I go out every day with him - for a walk, to the park, to a playgroup, anywhere! He definitely gets bored at home with the same toys day in day out and has more fun when he's out. Meeting with other mums will keep you sane too. You're not alone.

ZuleikaD Tue 02-Oct-12 14:47:24

You don't sound like a terrible mother, but you do sound knackered and wound up.

Try not to project adult interpretations on to your DD - your daughter isn't vicious and she isn't defiant. She's a baby. The hair pulling and scratching isn't aimed at you and it isn't aggressive - she's just doing what babies do. She probably senses your tension about the move and that's what's stressing her out.

She's probably also frustrated at not being able to do the things she wants to do - eat properly, move well, communicate. 8-10 months is a pretty tricky age and there's a lot going on.

Make things easier on yourself and have the removal men pack you up. It'll cost a bit more but if your DH won't take some time off to help then the extra money he's earning can go to make everyone's life simpler.

IHateBounty Tue 02-Oct-12 14:47:52

Thank you for your replies, it's nice to know it's not just me!

She's asleep now, I had a bit of a cry and some food (not at the same time) and I feel a bit better. I need a shower too, I just haven't had the time or energy today.

She does have a few teeth coming through, but even with a dose of Calpol or the other teething remedies it doesn't seem to help at all.

Seeing her just screaming at me with tears in her eyes was horrible, she probably thought me crying was horrible too sad

Overreactionoftheweek Tue 02-Oct-12 15:14:23

Ds is 11months and did exactly this at the same age. He had a cold plus teething a few weeks back and would.not.stop.whinging.ever! He also went off his food. But then the cold went, a new tooth popped out and he rediscovered his appetite and happy nature.

It's definitely not just you, remember the MN catchphrase - this too shall pass - I quite often recite it while rocking in the corner grin

anairofhope Tue 02-Oct-12 15:43:06

Hi you need a break can family look after little one for a few hours for you?

I have a 10 month old dd she is bliss compared to her older brother. He never stopped crying always wanted me. He used to sleep on me and if i put him down he would cry till he made him self sick. At that age I just had to leave him cry to have a wee, take a shower or eat.

It is truly excuasting looking after such a 'spirited' baby. I used to cry on the phone to my mum that i couldnt cope and feel bad about everything. In the end i went to the gp and had pnd and was put on antidepressants.

I started taking him swimming and to playgroups as he always behaved better when out than at hone.

When i had enough of the crying i would put him in the pushchair and take him to the park and pit him on the swings.

He is three year old now (foir in feb) and he still is very activit and a handful. He has tantrus and whines all the time and takes up alot of my time.

But i love him and he loves me and being part of our family. He can swim and is very sociable and has no fear of anything. He will go on fairground rides and is very smart good at spacial awareness and is polit and kind to everyone. He is gental and loving with his sister and i wouldnt change him for the world.

Hang in there it will get better and your dd will grow out of the hair pulling but untill then i would suggest pitting your hair in a ponytail, cut her nails short and gentle say no and move her hand away.

Try to take a shower at the same time every day and put her in the cot so she gets use the it and at the worst time (when she cries the most) go out for a walk with her in the pushchair.

madda Tue 02-Oct-12 15:49:44

what a lovely post anairofhope

My DD, now 3, was like this. I was only diagnosed with PND this year and am on antidepressants. I take one tiny tablet each day and it has changed my life, as my kids now sense my calm nature and respond so well to it. Babies do sense so much from adults, it's amazing.

I wish I had taken tablets sooner, to enijoy the early stages of her life more. To me, she seemed so difficult, and I often thought it was on purpose.

It was so hard.

Please see your GP and tell them it's all getting too hard. The medication may be just what you need to make everything easier to handle?

IHateBounty Tue 02-Oct-12 16:04:04

Sorry ZuleikaD, I didn't see your post.
Unfortunately, we have no spare money at the moment as we have to pay £2K to the letting agents on the day we move in so are really counting our pennies.

I will ask DH if we can sit down together and pack some boxes, at least I wont be on my own then and one of us can see to DD when she kicks off.

anairofhope They are all great ideas, thank you.
There isn't really anyone close that could take her for a few hours, my family work full-time. I am planning on asking my Mum to perhaps have her on a Friday night or something, just so I can recoup!
I have made a note of all the parks and baby groups near our new house, we are right near a leisure centre too so I can take her swimming regularly, she always loves it when we go and tires her right out!
I think my issue at the moment is trying to muster the energy to get out.

madda Do you think this sounds like PND? I vividly remember feeling overwhelmed when DD was about 6 months old but I didn't go to my GP out of fear sad
It does seem to be peaks and troughs at the moment

VerityClinch Tue 02-Oct-12 16:42:05

Is she around 43/44/45 weeks old? She might be having a Wonder Week.

Both my DC followed the WW schedule like clockwork and I remember week 44 being a particularly tough one sad

VerityClinch Tue 02-Oct-12 16:45:04

wonder week summary chart

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Tue 02-Oct-12 16:50:50

I found this age really tough - they are really exploring, trying out new things, but aren't physically very capable so frustration sets in really easily. And they can't really communicate very well either. For me, it all got better when dd crossed over into being a toddler - when she could walk, help herself more and communicate better.

My tips would be to get out every day - preferably somewhere where she can burn off some energy and you can talk to other adults, and to do whatever it takes to get her to sleep - those breaks are a lifesaver at this age. For us, it was sorting dd's night time sleep which really helped her nap in the day. We did cc, which is controversial on here, but worked like a charm for us, very quickly.

TheTermagantToaster Tue 02-Oct-12 16:51:21

Just came on to recommend checking out the Wonder Weeks! Saved my sanity on many occasion, did that. They do an app with a good summary if any of it sounds familiar...

Unlurked Tue 02-Oct-12 16:55:50

My youngest was a nightmare from about 9mo so I truly feel your pain! She's 2 now though and lovely grin. We had the fights over nappy changing too things that I found that helped were doing it a bit at a time, so taking off clothes then letting her go for a crawl taking off the nappy and giving her a quick wipe as she crawls off then putting clean nappy on very very quickly as she stood up against the sofa. You might fond pull ups work better than normal nappies. Finally, master the art of changing dirty nappies with baby lying on your knee (practise makes perfect!).

I really feel for you, I found that the hardest age with dd2 and if you do have pnd on top of that I can't imagine what a tough time you're having. It sounds like you're doing really well though and hopefully some of the tips you've been given here will help while you wait out this awful stage.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Tue 02-Oct-12 16:59:07

Oh yes, and re. the nappy changing, I heard of a great method from a childminder on mumsnet - basically sit sideways to wriggling child, drape leg over child's stomach. Holds them down a treat and leaves your hands free! (obviously don't put weight on leg and squash child!)

hellymelly Tue 02-Oct-12 17:00:53

This is the hardest age, they are more mobile and it is an exhausting time. I agree that the only answer is to get out. I lived in a boat then, and especially as the space was so small, would take dd out every single day. We would wrap up and go to the park, or the library, or just to a big bookshop where I could grab a coffee, and find a new book for her. Being around other parents with babies makes it all seem easier and is far less lonely, but even if I was just out with her the act of getting out and walking somewhere helped me feel a lot happier and less tired (she was a terrible sleeper).

anairofhope Tue 02-Oct-12 17:04:30

Moving home and having a new baby is stressful and PND can come on in the first two years after the birth so its a good idea to see the gp. They have a set of questions and depending on the answer can gage if you have low mood or PND.

Does she have a nap in the afternoon? With mine its between 1 and 3pm so i take a nap on the bed with her as im so tired somedays.

Also it would take me an hour to get out the door with my son and there was only me and him. I think its part of PND i felt like i was slow and walking thru mud.

Also its normal for a baby to try to crawl away and roll over for nappy changes as they can and dont understand to stay still grin

They want to touch everything and want everything now or they scream. They are hard work lol

Also as they cant talk the communicate with noise. It took me a year to learn the whiny cry means "im tired and want to see" and the high scream means " im bored look at me".

Its hard understand someone that does not speak the same lanuage as you.

Try to think of all the good points of your dd every day. The new things she does as it will make you more posative about her.

It does get better.

madda Tue 02-Oct-12 17:07:07

well, yes, I think it may well be a case of PND, out of utter exhaustion if nothing else

you have been through a lot

i know with me, it was a combination of having 2 kids under 3 on the other side of the world and a husband working long hours which left me feeling like a single parent...couple that with exhaustion, not knowing where we would be living in the next 5 yrs (husband job fond of relocating him) left me who would usually be adventurous and excited at travel, wanting to do nothing but stay in the home with my babies, to feel safe or to get that settled safe feeling as a mother

i do think if my GP had told me then to take a tiny tablet each day, I would have.

but yes, now I have so much energy, I can think longterm, I can handle tantrums or unpredicatble life events which parenthood throws each day

good luck OP x

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow Tue 02-Oct-12 17:10:47

Getting out the house every day helped me. Even if it was pouring down or the DC's were extra wild I made sure I went out for a walk or visit. Admittedly, it didn't always work out blush but I think it was good for my sanity.

QTPie Tue 02-Oct-12 17:15:56

Hi ya

So sorry that you are having such a rough time.

Honestly, she doesn't hate you. It sounds as though she is having a rough time (probably teething) and being absolutely miserable because of it. DS is 2 years and 8 months and is a great child, but we still have "those" days... (normally teething or illness).

The first thing to do is to take care of yourself: prioritise sleep (for you!) and a regular break (are there times when DH or someone else can babysit and you can get a break? Preferably regularly - a yoga class one night a week? Go swimming or something? Get out for a few hours at the weekend?). Honestly, if I am tired and/or overwhelmed, then I am much more likely to not take DS's behaviour in my stride...

One thing that I regret with DS is not speaking up a bit more to DH about needing a break sometimes: we argued about it a few times - he saw weekends as "family together time" (which I read as "I am scared to have sole responsibility for the baby" hmm ). But actually some times I REALLY needed a break (particularly between about 12 and 20 months) and I think that he would have benefited from more one-on-one time with DS.

Secondly, both you and your DD need "distractions". My reaction to things getting tense has always to get both of us out of the house: change of scenery, things to do (so DS doesn't get too bored and so that I have some other company to talk to). This is easier in the Summer (when you can get out to the park), but look for activities that you can do all year round. I try to schedule at least one "activity" a day:
- swimming
- park
- walks
- visiting friends with babies a similar age (going to each other's houses for tea). We have a great NCT group, but you can make friends with mums at other activities too.
- baby gyms (tumbletots, but some private gyms have better prigrammes).
- softplay
- playgroups
- sing and sign
- various music groups
- sure start etc.

I didn't do all of these, but they are ideas. Keeping busy and getting out and about keeps me sane! ;)

Thirdly, and very importantly, your DD is a blank canvas. My DS went through biting (normally when teething) and hair pulling (just exploring textures): there is nothing spiteful or personal in it at all - they are just learning about the the world and learning from your reactions. Step back and don't take anything personally.

Fourthly, "talk talk talk" - that is what these places are here for. Sounds like your DH is very busy and maybe avoiding the subject a bit (probably doesn't know what to do or say). But you are far from alone! Most of us have been through very similar things....

Children are fantastic, but - honestly - emotionally it can be very tough. It is a very long (and delightful) "slog" until they leave home: it is all about finding ways to make everything pleasant (even the bad times when they are ill/teething etc) and staying sane ;)

Good luck.

RedWineLuvr Tue 02-Oct-12 17:38:15

Huge Hugs!
Can feel myself welling up reading your post, and YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE MOTHER, just exhausted; physically & emotionally by the sounds of things. I know it's just words, but I've been there and it will get better.

Have you spoken to HV? There could be something underlying, if she not taking solids or napping. If nothing else it's someone to talk things though with.

How is she if you try distracting her; not paying direct attention to her behaviour at the time...tell her you're going for a bubble bath and does she want to go with you? I always found this a great tactic with my 3 and had fun too...who doesn't love a bubble bath? Or start reading one of her books to yourself, don't make big deal out of it, and see if she comes to you?

I think the most important thing I cld say is for you to take care of yourself first. If she out of control, put her somewhere safe then go and walk round garden for a few minutes or sit in loo with a magazine for 5 mins and give yourself time to breath and get your head together. She'll be fine, and quickly realize you can't be manipulated!

I used to phone DH in tears too, telling him I couldn't cope etc... He would just go silent and that infuriated me coz thought he didn't care...but we've since talked about it and he told me he didn't know what to do or say, that wouldn't make it worse. I'm sure your DH wishes he could help, but like mine he maybe doesn't know how.

So! Plan of action...See your HV to make sure there no underlying health problem...take care of yourself by keeping calm and walking away from stressful/upsetting situations (making sure DD safe first of course)...distraction distraction distraction; don't reward the bad behaviour with attention.

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up over this. She does love you. she's obviously frustrated about something and just doesn't have the skills to tell you what she needs...just remember that it WILL pass!
Take care, sending you lots of love nd support.

RedWineLuvr Tue 02-Oct-12 17:42:30

Just had an idea; if you guys are moving house...could she be picking up on your anxiety?? Just a thought?
Why not try getting her to help put things into boxes with you? Make a game out of it. Will take twice as long, but at least you'll feel like you're acheiving something?

EasilyBored Tue 02-Oct-12 20:14:27

DS has started being a bit like this in the last week or so, he's 41 weeks. I think it's a combination of him learning so many new skills, but still not quite being able to do what he wants properly - for instance he likes to stand up, but if he can't pull himself up for some reason, he screams like he's completely furious. And he whines and whines and whines, but usually only when he's tired or hungry, so I try and nip it in the bud at the first whine and get him down for a nap/fed before it all goes downhill.

I second the getting out of the house idea. I know the weather is foul at the minute, but I've been known to drive to our local indoor shopping centre and walk around there for a few hours if it's raining and I'm getting to breaking point with cabin fever. Children's centres/sure start centres or other playgroups are good - all the new toys and people to play with seem to keep him entertained for ages.

I find the whining really really grating, and if nothing I do is making him happier and I'm turning into 'shouty mummy', I will sometimes just leave him in his cot, or with a toy, and stand in the next room for a couple of minutes to try and regain some composure. If it's been a really really full on day I hand him over to DH as soon as he comes in the door, and go outside for a walk and some fresh air and some sneaky chocolate from the corner shop for 5 minutes too. Don't know if that would help at all?

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 11:38:26

Wow, I didn't think so many people would reply, thank you all!
I'm usually just a lurker on AIBU so was really scared to post anything, I'm glad I did now smile

She's 40/41 weeks- I see by the Wonder Weeks chart she should be going through an uncomplicated phase! That chart will be really handy so I've bookmarked it, thank you.

I like the sound of the nappy-changing method, I mentioned it to DH last night and he was a bit hmm, but we bought some pull-ups last night, so maybe we'll trial them for a week and see how that goes.

anairofhope she sometimes has a nap in the day. They used to be frequent and long, but now it's a struggle. I suppose it does normally fall between 1 and 3, but she normally fits one in after that instead of actually going to sleep for the night! It's very frustrating.

Regarding my HV, I haven't seen her since DD was 2 weeks old and that was a routine visit. I know it's awful, but I don't even have her phone number! Any time she's been poorly etc I've just taken her to the that bad?

I do sometimes hand her over to DH when he comes in, but sometimes he gets a bit "I've been working all day" blah blah blah.

This morning hasn't been that bad so far, whilst she's playing I'll get myself sorted so we can go for a walk. The only problem is we live in the middle of a town so it's not all that relaxing!

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