leaving 10month old at childminders....... terrified! :-(

[pugsmum]

My son is 10 months old and has just started to go thought the shy dont want to leave mummys side phase!!!!
he will cry or shout every time i leave him in i (safe) room by himself ,and he will hapily contently play all on his own if i am sitting in the same room or close by but if i leave the room he follows me or crys. sometimes he will watch me walk towards the door and start to cry before i get through it..
now i have read that this is all normal 10 month behaviour (??????)
but i am starting work on monday (today is wed) and ds will be going to a childmindres for about 30 hours a week and i also read that this is the worst time to send a child to a C/M as thi is when they need mummy the most.

the thing is i really dont have a choice without my extra imcome we liturallly cant afford the bills and we are already behind so i cant put it off any longer.

I am soo worried and getting more and more upset at the thought of it .
I am trying really hard to enjoy my last full week with ds but burst into tears everytime he does something cute ,funny or new which is pretty much ever 10 seconds !!

is leaving him this going to damage my son? will he feel abandoned?? what can i do to make this transition easier for both of us? i have a settle in day on thurs is this enough?

please help!

[RitaMorgan]

Are you only doing one settling in session? I'd do at least 3 - first one both of you stay and play for an hour, second one you stay for half an hour, then leave him there for an hour or so, then come back, 3rd one you leave him for a couple of hours.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd make sure he knows the CM and that you work up the time he spends there gradually. Between now and Monday, can you leave him with the CM for half an hour, an hour? They do occasionally burst into tears when you leave them - and it is upsetting for the parent - but if he knows and likes the CM you can also get to a point where they burst into tears when it's time to come home. You have to develop a thick skin either way and not show your child that you are at all upset. I don't think it damages the baby, as long as you stay calm, the CM is a nice person and they feel safe & know you'll be back for them. My DS was with a CM from 13 weeks, is now a very well-adjusted 11yo and we've always had a close relationship.

[HSMM]

Yes it is a peak time for separation anxiety, so make your drop off quick and positive. Your cm will know how to deal with children going through this phase. Why don't you ask if she has any suggestions, like leaving a jumper that smells of you, or favourite toy, or whatever.

[pugsmum]

thanx guys will send him with some bits to remind him of home !!
I have just spoken to my C/M and she does not have any time available except for tomorro to see her so i m going to pop round for a cuppa and then leave him with her for a little while in the morning...

i am becoming increasingly anxious about the whole thing!!

[matana]

He'll cope much better than you i think. I returned to work about the same time and worried the same as you. He was similarly going through a clingy phase and he's not a clingy baby. He was fine with the CM though - he'd had over a month of settling in sessions so knew her well and loves going there to see all his friends.

[bankholiday]

Pugsmum, I have no suggestion, but didn't want to read and run as I'll also be leaving DS with a CM in Jan, at 11 months. I also dread it, we're meeting next week to discuss settling in and I'm on the verge of tears only thinking about it.

DS doesn't seem to have separation anxiety yet, but would not be settled to sleep by anyone but me. I'm also looking at him and feeling like a horrible mum, but I don't have a choice, I have to go back to work.

So sympathies from me, and good luck for next week! Please let us know how you and your DS are getting on. x

[Weissbier]

It is very hard on you pugs but he will get used to it and no, it won't damage him - many people would say it'll do him good. Children are very adaptable and take a lot more for granted than we realise. You obviously love him and love being his mum and that is far, far more important than whether or not he spends some of the week in other childcare.

Like everyone says, do a proper settling-in. Don't sneak away when you leave him for the first time, say goodbye and that you'll come back later, then leave quickly, even if he starts to cry. This way he will learn that you leave, but that you come back. Don't leave for too long at first (like, 20 mins or half an hour), and stay nearby with your mobile on the first couple of times so CM can call you to come back if there's a problem.

Don't let him see you are nervous or upset, as this will give him cause to think it is something to be nervous and upset about. Act like it is the most normal, jolly thing in the world. Be prepared for him to cry again when he sees you and to be unsettled at night, and tired at first. Keep acting positive. In the unlikely event there is a real problem with the CM, you'll be able to tell from looking at your DS. A baby who's been miserable all day looks completely different from one who's been fine and is just tired and a bit overwhelmed to see you again, and you know your DS better than anyone and you will know.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Stiff upper lip in front of DS and a stiff drink for you. The French put their babies in nurseries from three months as a matter of course and they still grow up fine!

[Octaviapink]

I'm really very surprised your childminder hasn't suggested/allowed for more settling-in sessions. I'm a CM and prefer at least four visits over a period of a couple of weeks. It's very tough for your little one to be expected to start on Monday with no real settling-down time. However, if that's the way it is, that's the way it is.

Some of the other suggestions are very good.

1. A transition object may very well help - something that is only used for going to/coming home from the CM.
   
2. You MUST say goodbye - don't let anyone tell you it's better to sneak away. Make it positive but firm, and reiterate that you will see him later.
   

3.You can practise going-away-and-coming-back with him over the next few days as you don't have time at the CM's. Tell him you're going now, but you'll be back soon, and say goodbye just as though you were leaving the house. Come back after a few minutes and give him a big welcome and a cuddle. He will learn that you ALWAYS COME BACK.