How to help my DS (age 6) turn things around; bad start to Y2

[Zipitydooda]

My DS has just started Y2 and seems to be getting into trouble every day; not putting his hand up, fighting in the playground, other silly things he should know better than to do and blatantly naughty things that I'd never imagine he would do. On Friday I was sent to collect him from head of years' room as he had been naughty and as a result missed all his playtimes and 'golden time' and had to stay in her room.
My DS is a wonderful, bright boy but has always been a bit over-active and lacks self control, gets into an over excited frenzy and also plays the clown with his peers. I was worried about how he would get on when he started in Reception but until now, his teachers have loved him in spite of his over activeness etc..
I feel really sad for him, he doesn't seem happy and told his grandpa today, when talking about being in Y2; "Everything I do is wrong.". He wet the bed the last 2 nights as well which is something he occasionally does but never 2 nights in a row before.
We had a tough summer holiday with him. Lots of sibling rivalry going on with his brother (age3) and a new baby (3 months). I am trying to focus on the positive but also set firm boundaries but it seems I'm always telling him off.
How can I help him? NB My DH thinks I am hormonal and getting things out of proportion and I DO always worry about my DS and have done since he was born.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

First of all, tell your DS that you love him... because they need to hear that when 'everything they do is wrong' and it feels like the whole world is against them. Playing the clown and being over-active is often attention-seeking behaviour and, with two smaller siblings, he may be feeling that he's expected to be too grown up or too self-sufficient. I'd suggest Dad takes some time out with him over the weekend.... go off swimming or something else that a 6 year-old might like. Away from the babies. And that's when he should ask if anything's worrying him.

Next step is expectation setting. Both of you need him to understand how you'd like him to behave at school and what you expect. Things like 'be good' or 'behave yourself' aren't specific enough. Keep it simple ... 'today we'd like you to do your very best to put up your hand and contribute in class'. Another day, another expectation about behaviour or attitude. Ask the teachers for feedback and then give him encouragement if he's met the challenge. Ask the teachers also to work with him on managing anger and conflict. Schools are very good at that.

Another idea.... if he has lots of energy and you want him to get rid of it in a controlled environment consider enrolling him in things like Beaver Scouts, sporting clubs or other managed activities.

[addressbook]

gosh zippitydooda I could have written your post!

I have a 5 yr old ds and I have worried about him everyday since he was born. I also have a 2 yr old dd and I just feel so much more relaxed about her for some reason. It may be just that our eldest are the first to go through each stage and therefore there is more anxiety about them?

My ds started school recently and his behaviour has been awful at home at times. He seems to enjoy school but he did admit he has got into trouble for acting the goat with another boy in his class. I am a bit worried about parent's evening next week.

He can have angry outbursts as well and when he was in pre-school last year, his key worker raised a couple of issues. All in all it has made for a worrying time and I find motherhood a bit draining at the moment. I had PND when he was born and always feel guilty about that. I love him dearly but I feel like I failed him a bit in the his first year as a baby.

I have a lovely family and a supportive dh, who is very good with ds. I just wish I could relax and enjoy him more rather than constantly worrying.

[ragged]

Zipity does your DS have any regular triggers? Mine kicks off worst when he has school work that overwhelms him; just doing more homework to practise the things he has least confidence at (eg, writing!), and talking about how to tackle his work has helped DS. Maybe yours needs some psyching up and role play about how to focus on his work and not showing off to his peers?

I find that empathy is more productive than being firm and telling off; if telling off just doesn't seem to be working for you & him to improve things, maybe sympathising and getting him to talk about why he does what he does and what would make it easier for him to be calmer is worth a shot. The "How to Talk so that Kids will Listen" book is good for explaining the approach.

You haven't had a bad start to y2 until he gets a 2.5 day exclusion on your birthday, btw :(.

[Zipitydooda]

Thanks for your advice.  I do agree he's wanting attention and I am trying hard to give him 1-on-1 time, he usually responds well but then goes back to silly behaviour as soon as this time finishes. He does find it hard not being the centre of attention. 

He does go to Beavers but it is a poorly disciplined group and I have looked at changing groups but they always start and finish too late. Part of his problem, I think is over tiredness, he always wakes very early and just doesn't get enough sleep, nothing will make him sleep later. 

addressbook I also had PND with him and don't think I'll stop worrying that it has permanently harmed him until he is an adult; settled down with someone who loves him and happy.  I blame everything he does wrong or strange on myself.

Ragged. I like the idea of role play, maybe he needs strategies to avoid trouble and it might help.
Not looking forward to parents evening.  Hopeful of no exclusions though! Poor you, it's mortifying.