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I made a mess of things. Two childminders and couldnt choose.

(13 Posts)
DunnoWhy Tue 31-May-11 14:38:37

Hello,
I posted this to Chat too. I will appreciate any feedback you would give. Thank you...
I made a mess of things, like a wimp, I cannot decide. Feeling too emotional, not rational. I have two childminders and couldnt choose which one to decide. Pros and cons on both options although my heart tells me the current one?

Dd (6 yrs old) goes to CM 3 days a week when I go to work. I drop her off in the morning and collect her at 5.

She was not very happy with the atmosphere in our current childminder?s house. She is a very quiet & shy girl, an only and lonely child, very much used to adult company? whereas all other kids in childminder?s house are extremely boisterous and very confident and extremely social. All the kids are at the same school as my dd so they go to school together in the mornings with the CM, as well as get collected by CM to spend afternoon together. Two of the girls have an exclusive close relationship with each other where the older one (8) protects the younger one (6) and the two of them are almost closed to outsiders sort of thing, my dd wanted to fit in with especially with these two, but could not fit in. She was subjected to a bit of exclusion and therefore some sort of bullying, some so-called-jokingly name calling etc by the 8 yo girl. I had spoken to the CM about all these, she tried to resolve it but dd still was not happy. DD kept giving tummy ache excuses whenever it was the childminder day. (Some other days I take her to school and no tummy aches then?) After a while and after speaking to the current cm about it, situation gets better for a while, dd is okay there again. Then dd starts getting unhappy again because of this 8 yo girl. Than okay again...

Anyway, when she was not happy last year, I searched for another CM for a long time and managed to find ONLY ONE childminder. Our area is not well covered with childcare arrangements unfortunately. After visiting that new cm last year, I had decided to not to switch to her, reasons below.

PROS AND CONS:

NEW CHILDMINDER: Last year after visiting this new cm, I did not feel very comfortable with her. It was mainly because some days her husband stays at home due to his work pattern and I thought their family life takes precedence over the childminding job, in other words, my DD had to fit in with their domestic life when husband is at home. It was not mentioned but I got this impression and I am not comfortable with that. So last year I found an excuse and left it at that. Now I have visited her again and started the thought process again.

The new cm has only one other child in her care, my dd likes that other child so dd wants to go to this new cm in order to be able to play with that other child. Problem is, only one day of the week these two kids will be at the new CMs house together. Our days are different to the other kids days at the childminder. So only one day of the week after school, not enough to justify the major change maybe? the rest of the time my dd will be alone in CMs house, no other kids, I do not want this.

CURRENT CHILDMINDER; She is a mature lady living with her grown up daughter (who is always at work), and childminding is her only occupation, she is also minding her own grandchild similar age to my dds age, so all her day is very much child orientated as opposed to the other lady. And I preferred that. Always kids in the house, including the two girls that my dd does not like much. But on the other hand, I want to make dd learn to get along with other kids, the other kids in current childminders house is a good opportunity for that.

PROBLEM: My child had been telling me how much she did not want to go to the current childminder, for few weeks, but then she was happy again, then she didnt want to go to the CM again, then happy again. It is all down to the 8 year old girl that she has problems with. Her treatment of my dd, determines if dd is going to be happy or unhappy. At the last episode of dd not being happy at the cm because of this 8 yr ld girl, the other day, I visited the new cm with the intention of switching to her this time, and sort of promised her that we will start with her soon. After that, my dd started to tell me she likes the current childminders house cos she made up with the other girl after all. I am annoyed with myself, I cannot mess with people, I should either leave dd at where she is (which I prefer) or take her to the new CM, but I have the above concerns about the new cm.

I just wanted to get it off my chest. It seemed too big of a problem (amongst many other problems that I have). But putting it down as a message here, I somehow can see the solution clearly.

But still I will appreciate it if you lovely ladies let me have your opinions.

a-) Shall I stop listening to every moan my dd does and leave her at the current cm? When she is not happy with the other kids, it gives her the chance to adjust her strategy and toughen up and make her more resilient??? Besides, she was unhappy before, then was happy again, then unhappy again.. etc, it is my guilt also playing up in my heart, so I shld be more logical rather than emotional ??? Or should I take dds unhappiness seriously (like I always do) and not subject her to being teased like that therefore remove her from current cm? That 8 yr old girl will not change, so either well have to put up with and learn to adjust or take dd from current cm.

b-) Starting with the new childminder and make it a new beginning? The new cm has one child that dd really loves. And being an only and lonely child, she is so keen on having a one to one close friend to play with? This will give that opportunity?
If we do not start with the new childminder again this time, it will be clearly seen as I have been messing up with her, twice in two years in a row. It was not my intention, so obviously I feel bad about it, but I think I will prefer the current CM.

c) If choose to stay with the current cm, I am sure dd will have problems with the 8 yr old girl again, so the tummy aches will start again and itll make me extremely guilty again. And this time I will NOT have another childminder option after burning the bridges with the new lady second time round. Cos there are not any other childminders in our area.

Will appreciate any feedback. Thank you in advance.

DunnoWhy Tue 31-May-11 17:44:11

Bumping cheekily..

monkoray Tue 31-May-11 19:21:18

Do you have the option of trying the other childminder for one of the 3 days for a couple of weeks (maybe one of the days when she'd be on her own with the new CM so she can see what it would be like with no other kids). Then your DD could choose for herself which one she prefers. Or would that risk you losing that day at the current CM?

mum765 Tue 31-May-11 21:52:12

Hmm that's a difficult one. Is the new cminder happy with having one or two dcs or is she planning to take more? You could perhaps as Dunno says, say to new cminder you'd like to see how your dd gets on and could you do the one day to start with.

My DD was at two nurseries for a while. I asked her which she liked better and moved her to be just at the one. Almost immediately afterwards she kept asking to go back to the former one. I think they are too young really to make this decision in hindsight.

It doesn't sound like the current situation is doing your dd any good confidence wise. But I know what you mean with wanting her to have other dcs to play with. I personally wouldn't worry about the dad being home. Our current cminder quite often has her dh home - he's just extra attention really and brings more fun to it all. Perhaps if you go with the new one, the cminder will get more mindees to make it a bit more fun. I think if it were me, i'd probably go for the change. Our cminder would manage the problem of the 8 year old not being kind. Your current one doesn't seem to be managing this and your dd is suffering.

DunnoWhy Wed 01-Jun-11 18:00:15

Thank you very much monkoray and mum765. I appreciate your time and replies.

swash Wed 01-Jun-11 18:59:08

I think a trial switch is a great idea and agree that current cm isn't managing the dynamic well.

SardineQueen Wed 01-Jun-11 19:08:18

Well I have no experience of this whatsoever but I do have two little girls and it's MN so I will stick my twopenneth in!

On reading my instinct is childminder 2.

However the idea of a trial with cm2 is a great idea if you can swing that.

DunnoWhy Wed 01-Jun-11 19:27:31

Thank you swash and SardineQueen. I think, knowing my dd, if I take her to the second CM, she'll want to stay there. It's purely because she really likes the other girl in her care, they seem to have similar quiet and reflective temperaments. After being in second CM's care even for a short while, she'll want to stay there.
Looking back, when she is not happy, she really is miserable in current CM so a change is really needed. And she has been like that for a while. Well, I think we'll switch and see how it goes and if it doesn't work out again, and if returning to the first one happens to be impossible, then I'll think of something else. Hopefully.
I will have sporadic access to internet for a while so if I do not reply any further postings, this is the reason.

I do appreciate all your replies...Many, many thanks again.

SardineQueen Wed 01-Jun-11 19:48:57

I think you're doing the right thing. If you think your DD will be happy with CM 2 then CM 2 it must be!!

DunnoWhy Wed 01-Jun-11 19:57:08

Thank you SardineQueen.
I am a worrier and i worry about things even may never ever happen.
These days I am making a conscious effort to change this worrier side of myself. So we'll switch to the new CM, do it boldly without looking back, and will not worry whether it will be possible to go back to CM number 1 again... If things dont work out and we are without a CM again, I have faith that we will find something else. Thinking positive smile .

SardineQueen Wed 01-Jun-11 20:35:50

It will be fine smile

Good luck with stopping the worrying thing as well!

homeboys Thu 02-Jun-11 13:13:40

Message withdrawn

DunnoWhy Mon 06-Jun-11 17:55:46

Thank you SardineQueen and homeboys.
I have already given the notice to the childminder so there is no turning back now, having said that I am feeling happy and relieved now to leave CM1. I believe our experiences with CM1 had already run its course and up until now somehow I was not able to see it and stupidly I wanted to hang onto her. It was wrong of me, I realised that. No need to try and give her the benefit of the doubt anymore. DD had told me on Thursday about something that happened in CM1s house last week. She told me that as a matter of fact way but to me it was the exact symbol of how the hyerarchy had set in CM1 s house and that the 8 yr old girl always having her way and CM1 will never bother to change things... and my DD will always be the low down on hyerarchy... The CM1 cannot see things from a child's point of view, she is not sensitive enough, she does not understand (or does not want to bother with wishy washy girly feeling stuff). So listening to my DD talking about her day at CM1s house suddenly made me determined to change. I am happy with my decision now.
Very wise words from all of you.
homeboys, I agree that it will not be as bad as CM1 I genuinely believe.
Thanks a million, again...

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