My children provoke such anger in me!

[zippie]

For the past few months, my children (4 & 2) have made me feel SO angry. I know it is not their fault, I know I am the one with the problem but I don't know what to do.

To the outside world, I am a calm, happy, energetic, positive person. I never lose my temper. At home with my children, I can be provoked by them to the point of shouting and screaming at them. I never ever hurt them physically but I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to show them such anger.

Does anyone else feel like this? Why am I so angry? How do I stop this anger? I always feel so miserable (and like a crap mother) after shouting at them.

Any suggestions welcome.

[UrsulaBuffay]

Hi,
watching with interest as I have felt awful lately at the way I have shouted at DD (2). People tell me that toddlers are hard, some days will be hard, but it is me she is an 'easy' happy child really.

[mamsnet]

Mine are 4 and 2 as well.. So I know the kind of thing you're talking about.. I could talk about this at length (and may well come back and do although I have to go out right now) but for the moment I want to recommend the book I'm reading..

It's called When your Children Push your Buttons.. You'll find it on Amazon. Basically, I feel just as you do.. I have better phases and worse ones but, like you, I increasingly think that a lot of the problem is me.. This book was practically written for us! As I said, I'm only a little way in but already I feel lik I've had some genuinely valuable therapy..

Check it out and tell me what you think.

[yousankmybattleship]

Mine are older now and things are much easier but there have been times when they have made me feel furious. I'm also quite an easy going person in every other area of my life but I think your own children have a way of getting under your skin! The only thing that helped me was to constantly tell myself that I am the grown up and I am teaching them how to deal with anger. It is really hard though and I can't believe there is a Mum out there who hasn't lost it at least once!

[MarineIguana]

DS (aged 5) makes me sooooo annoyed at times, especially with his repeated ignoring what I say, arguing back and kicking off/stropping about not getting what he wants. Although I don't shout at full volume, I have a horrible exasperated tone with him that I don't like and feel awful about.

Recently I tried promising myself that I would not shout or use that tone for a whole day - I would tell him what I needed to tell him calmly, however many times it took. The first day I tried it I failed miserably, but I tried again and pretty much managed it the second day. Amazingly he actually behaved better, though that's only one day and could be a fluke. I'm planning to try again this week (harder at the weekend when DP is around as he also gets annoyed!)

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way.

I think that you need to stop thinking that your children are provoking anger in you and switch that to you are feeling angry.

Don't put the responsibility for your anger onto your children, iyswim. That is a step along the 'they made me do it...' road.

I think you would probably benefit from seeing your gp and asking for some help? perhaps counselling to get to the bottom of your anger and teach you how to manage your feelings?

[Mobly]

Op, is it really only the last few months? Up until then everything has been fine? If so, what do you think may have triggered your stress?

[mamsnet]

OP.. come back and tell us how you're doing today..

[tazzytaz]

Zippie, I feel just like you. My DC are 3 & 2 and I recently posted about how little i'm enjoying being a Mum. I shout at them daily and they make me sooooooo angry. I'm afraid I don't have any answers. :-(

[bobbinogs]

I know that sick feeling of guilt and unworthiness when you lose it and scream at your children. I've done it and felt it too many times. I have ds 4 and dd 2 and last year went through a patch where I was really screaming at them, just feeling like I was being pushed to the limits and could feel a red rage erupting in me, it was scary. I lurked on here alot but was too sared and guilty to post (respect op) You are not a terrible mum, if you were terrible you wouldn't be posting on here because you wouldn't care.

I read some threads with advice that really helped. Walking away once you know the children are safe and beating a pillow, taking deep breaths and counting slowly all help. One thing that really helped me was the idea of having an invisible film crew in the house filming you for a parenting programme. Cos the truth is you don't lose it in public do you ? The presence of other people keeps that rage in check and if you csn imagine that you are being watched even when you are at home alone it just gives you a hance to check yourself and make a conscious decision about how you are going to behave.

Having said all that why are you having these problems just recently,what's happened to make you less tolerant to the pressures of your children's demands. Be gentle with yourself and believe you can sort this, you can and you will because you are a caring and loving mum.

[RambleOn]

hecate really? Surely feelings of stress/anger are normal for someone looking after a 4yo and 2yo? If everyone took your advice, the NHS would be overwhelmed

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

yes. but the description given did not sound like normal 'having 2 small children' feelings.

Having come on only recently, being what sounds like pretty much all the time and the use of the word 'screaming', coupled with the belief that the children are 'provoking' her, made me feel she may want to take a look at it.

And I don't think the NHS is overburdened with people following my advice. Nobody ever listens to me

[Hassled]

As bobbinogs says - Film crew Film crew Film crew

I sound like a broken record and it isn't even my top idea but it is the best parenting/anger tip ever.

THere is a film crew in your house. All the time. Part of a BBC2 documentary. Kirstie Allsop (or someone) is presenting. Just remember that - all the time. They're there, watching you. It will calm you down, hold you back, make you count to ten and most of all make you see yourself as your DCs see you.

And also - have a laugh with them. Even if you're faking it at first - just have a laugh. It will become the norm after a while.

[paranoidmum]

Zippie - heartfelt thoughts to you ... remember feeling exactly the same (mine now 6 & 8).

Tiredness, frustration, the constant giving, conjoaling, negotiating, entertaining, housework, cooking, shopping, washing etc - and then two demanding little people on top. You are tired.

No magic wand. Keep "offloading" to girlfriends or mn - you are not alone. When you are feeling particularly angry reach up and stick the radio on - or put a CD on. It's amazing how a bit of Robbie Williams (for me!), Disco music or whatever can just refocus you brain from - I'm angry - to lets have a little disco dance in the kitchen. Also helps to zone-out if one of them is having a major tantrum.

I also used to sit myself on the naughty-step ... sounds ridiculous, but forced myself to stop, breathe, sit-down and re-focus for 3 mins.

All the best .... you are not alone!
(ps - rarely angry now.... we are ALL so much happier and have so much fun! But they are 3+ years older too ... as am I!)

[CaptainNancy]

Zippie, thank you for starting this thread- I have found it v useful, I hope you have too.
I have a just 5yo and 2yo, and some days I feel like a pressure cooker- my 5yo is very good at getting reactions... 2yo is learning from her v quickly... grr.
Days when I ignore ignore ignore, and jolly them along go so much better.

[Sunshine31]

Zippie, I was just about to start a post on something like this so have read with interest. I have just totally lost it with my 2.5yo to the point where I was screaming at her. She has been whingy all day, pulled my 6mo off the sofa and ran off down the street when we were leaving a neighbours. Then at bedtime she just wouldnt do what I wanted (ie come to bed) and I totally lost it. Im surprised the neighbours havnt been round to see what all the noise was. Ive got to the point where I think im no longer fit to be a mother and feel so rubbish that im setting such a bad example to them both.

DH has been working away during the week for the last 4 months and has only been home for 2 nights in the last 5 weeks, so im the only example she has, and things have been getting gradually worse. She is actually a lovely sweet child and the problem is definatly me<br /> <br /> Im wondering if I should investigate anger management classes or some other professional help ? anyone know of any such things that might help ? cos I`m quite scared I might actually hurt her soon

[bechegna]

hi sunshine I know you posted this a few months back but was wondering if you did manage to get help? I am going through the same thing and wondering what to do. Going to GP is out of the question. I know i need to go see someone but how do you find someone good? Can anyone recommend a counsellor? At my wits end!!

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

I found reading "when your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it" really helpful. It didn't solve it completely though so I am intestered in how you are getting on OP and Sunshine.

[mostembarrassingmum]

It's really hard. I had a major tantrum thrower daughter and my health visitor advised doing the 'naughty step' business on the stairs and shutting her out of the room. She would just keep coming back in and tantrumming and it ended up like a game to her in which she won and I ended up in tears and screaming at her. I was a widowed mum and no man around either. Then I met my husband and things did change. All he had to do was talk to her. One day he just wheeled her off in the puschair away from me kicking and screaming. After 20 mins they came back and she cried and apologised to me. I think all children do need a man to administer discipline. When I say discipline - that word actually derives from the words 'disciple making' which means firm reasoning and friendship making rather than our old fashioned views on physical punishment.

[mostembarrassingmum]

I love the paranoidmum answer about sitting herself on the naughty step. I used to lock myself in the bathroom!

[levantine]

I second the film crew advice. Will check out that book though, that sounds really helpful

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

"I think all children do need a man to administer discipline."

Yeah that shocked me too!