DD talking about killing herself

[MimsyRogers]

10 yr old DD is having trouble with her work, as there is quite a lot of homework this year. She regularly gets into a state about it and takes it out on the rest of the family. Hitting me, shouting, fighting with sister etc. Things have improved a bit recently as we have agreed a strategy with the school to not get involved at all with her homework and leave it as an issue between her and school. Anyway, last night she left her homework at at school and got into a panic about it. She thinks she will get into terrible trouble and started saying she wanted to kill herself. Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts - how seriously would you take this? Is this a normal thing to say?

It isn't the first time she has said it. She has said it before about not having done her homework.

I talked to her about it, and we discussed how it wouldn't be so bad, she could explain to the teacher that she would do it today. And we came up with lots of reasons that she might want to live instead. I also got her onto the Childline website where there are lots of good ideas about expressing feelings etc. But should I be seeking professional help for her?

There are lots of other issues going on right now too, a new baby in the house, but the main problem in my opinion is she is experiencing friendship troubles and has fallen out with her group. One or two girls seem to be being particularly nasty, and are ignoring her where they used to all be friends. DD spends break times alone generally. I have spoken to a teacher about this, and she has spoken to the girls involved, but things haven't improved.

I would really appreciate another perspective. Thanks.

[Mobly]

Mimsyrogers, school can be so tough at that age can't it? I really feel for your DD and you.

All I can think of is to do what you are doing already- take her concerns seriously, listen to her. Explain why it would be so wrong.

I would consider taking her to the doctor.

When I was 16, I remember feeling so depressed and suicidal. I hated school and was bullied. I told my mum in a letter and rather than take me to the doctor, she got really angry with me. I plodded on and eventually, mid twenties, sorted things out myslef, but I think I would have really benefited from support when I needed it.

[bundlebelly]

You are doing the right thing, keep talking to her, giving her time, supporting her with her homework Go back into school about the bullying if there is no change. All schools have to have bullying policy and have to stand by it. Try to ignore the threats to kill herself. I have known kids this age to say that, and they don't mean it, they are just trying to express the extent of their feelings, and to shock and hurt you too. Reassure her that things will get better and you love her and will help in any way that you can. Good luck. I had a ten year gap between my first two and it is hard to balance all the different needs. She is just as needy your newborn, just expressing it in different ways. Be strong for her!

[MimsyRogers]

Mobly, my concern is what the doctor will do - will they want to give her medication? What can they usefully do? I guess I feel that she needs some psychological help really but I don't want to over react.

[cory]

Mimsy, it is extremely unlikely that the doctor will want to give her medication. My 13yo was in a similar state last winter: threatening suicide, panic attacks, school refusing and actually selfharming. Her trigger was not homework as much as a fear of going to school in the morning (she has poor health, so often feels unwell).

I rang the school counsellor and got her to make a referral to CAHMS (children's mental health service): otherwise, it's the sort of thing the GP can do. What was put in place for dd was:

counselling sessions from CAHMS - she has had a chance to talk over her worries and is now starting on another session where she will be taught CBT = techniques for dealing with her anxiety

a strategy (worked out between us and CAHMS and dd) of how we should deal with practical things in the morning, e.g. what to do about her getting out of bed- a lot of that was about giving her back a feeling of control by making an agreement about how she deals with things

regular counselling sessions at school

a plan for how she should deal with panic attacks actually at school- she has a card to get out of class if she needs to and is then allowed to go and sit in the counsellor's office (she used this a fair bit at first and then gradually tailed off)

a deal with the school about how they would tackle the fact that she cannot achieve some things that are normally expected by pupils (they agreed not to register her absences if I confirm that they are genuine medical ones- big leap of faith on the part of the school here, but I have not abused it)

At no time was medication mentioned.

In your case, the bullying needs to be dealt with first. But your dd may also need professional support to boost her confidence. And some kind of strategy for coping with homework stress. And probably techniques for coping with stress in general.

[MimsyRogers]

Thanks cory, it was very useful to hear of your experience.
I agree, the bullying is the heart of the issue. Sadly it is quite difficult to resolve. The behaviour is very subtle and hard for the teachers to act on. These horrid girls can't be forced to be nice to my DD. I wish she would find some other friends, but she so far hasn't been able to or wanted to.

[Mobly]

Please don't ignore the suicide threats- as one poster suggests. A child can have mental health problems just as an adult can.

Completely agree with Cory. Explain that anyone can have feelings of sadness/depression at any point in their lives, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's common, and she needs help and to be taught coping mechanisms.

Is moving school a possibility? Would your DD want to move?

[Mobly]

What about some kind of after school club, in something that she is interested in, where she can make new friends? I think this could be a confidence boost and she wouldn't be relying so heavily, emotionally, on school 'friends'.

[MimsyRogers]

Thanks Mobly, I will think about trying to help her develop friendships outside of school. She will be moving schools at the end of this year fortunately - she's in Yr6. I'm just hoping she doesn't end up with the same girls again in secondary.

[Mobly]

To ensure she doesn't end up with those girls in her class, I would speak to the school in advance and see if they can make sure they are not. I'm sure they will be willing to help.

Good luck.