at my witts end, please help

[natz23]

im new to this but a friend recommended i try it, i dont know what else to do.
i have an 11 month old daughter who has always been a great little girl, good sleeper, hardly crys etc.
but at bed time we have always kept her routine the same, she has her bottle in her bedroom after her bath then we cuddle till she falls alseep then into her cot, but recently she has refused to go to sleep, its taking us a bout 4 hours every night to get her to sleep, and putting a lot of strain on me and my partner, so we have started trying the cryin it out method? it has worked putting her to bed, it lasts maybe half an hour then she falls asleep
but she has started waking in the night a few times crying. do i do the same then? do i comfort her then leave her to cry? im worried our neighbours are cursing us!!i give in and bring her into bed with us, then she just plays for a while!!

now during the day whenever i leave the room she crys! i cant even get to the toilet without having to take her with me!
an dif i go near her room she grabs hold of me and screams!! thinking i going to leav her in bed, shes never been upset to go into her room before!

she is teething just now and a bit moany, should i keep at the controlled crying technique, or give up and back to the cuddling to sleep! and maybe this is justa pahase due to her teeth? i just want to cry all the time im so tired, and feel like a horrible mother leaving her to cry.
dont know what else to do, any help would be much appreciated xxx

[kitbit]

There are lots of different views on this, I'm sure you'll get a few in response!

My own is that crying it out involves removing yourself from your daughter and leaving her to it. At 11 months when separation anxiety is kicking in she finds this stressful as she has just realised you are a separate person that she needs, but when she calls you you don't come. This makes separation anxiety worse because she thinks all the time that you are about to leave her again so the clinginess gets worse.

In my humble opinion (and vast experience of...er...1 child) any removal makes separation anxiety worse so trying this now is a bit badly timed.

I also think that crying it out is a bit harsh anyway, and it's better to provide reassurance rather than leaving them on their own, but that's my view.

For us, whenever ds's sleep patterns went wrong it was because he needed a change in his whole routine. Maybe change nap times, change food times, get her up earlier in the morning etc? We also found that sleep problems were usually linked to a major milestone, for example he just couldn't settle to sleep while he was trying to learn to walk. The day he took his first steps he went straight to sleep, and it was like someone flipped a switch. COuld this be it, is she working on something? First word, step etc?

Try the routine change first, but I reckon if you want her to get through the separation anxiety it passes more quickly if you reassure and go with it a bit rather than try to fight it.

It's just a phase, it'll pass honest.

Phew long waaaaffly post...sorry...

[natz23]

thanks a lot for that kitbit, your absoltley right why didnt i think of that!! she is probably crying all the time in the fear i will leave her again, she does eventually drop off, and its the only way i can see thats going to work for me and partner to get some much needed time together! i know its cruel and my family keep telling me its the best way but its so heartbreaking to hear her cry, she has just started tryign to walk actually, and shes always on the go, wants to hold your hand s all the time to explore the house,
ill maybe try and go in her room more often when she is crying, she does usually stop if i am just sitting next to her cot xx

[kitbit]

:)
Try reading Elizabeth Pantley, she has great ideas on how to gradually introduce new sleep routines very gently without creating anxiety for mum or baby. Really recommend her.
Most of all, trust your instinct. If you don't like it and your reaction to it is that it's cruel and you hate to hear her cry, then don't do it. It's OK to trust yourself on your feelings, you're her mum and you know best what suits you and her :o

[Igglybuff]

Could she have an earlier bedtime? My DS is a similar age (11 months) and gets tired a lot earlier since he's been walking. Also he needs an extra cuddle sometimes.

I've also found that trying to rock him to sleep as I did if he didn't fall asleep after a feed was too stimulating for him. So he'd be cranky and miserable when he just wanted to rest. So I put him in the cot and stroke his back with the lights out - much better. If he cries, I pick up, cuddle quickly then back in.

As for the crying when you leave the room - tell her you're coming back and do the same thing every time you leave. So I wave at him and say "I'll be back". I also talk to him as I'm out the room and he soon calms down.

[natz23]

ill give her stuf a read, i think im just going to nip the crying out method in the bud now and go back to cuddlin her to sleep, i suppose even if it takes hours, at least shes still my happy little girl again! she just lvoes cuddles, thats not a bad thing, everyone keeps telling me to stick at it but mothers instincts tell me its wrong , thanks for your advice xx

[natz23]

igglybuff , i actually did that last night and it worked, i just lay her down and stroked her back and she calmed down, going to give that try later, she goes to bed about 6.30 i know thats early but she only sleeps a half hour a day, shes always been the same. will try the be back bit too, good ideas, loving this mumsnet x

[Igglybuff]

My DS goes to bed at half 6 and he naps two hours a day so sounds ok to me!

[natz23]

i actually always thought half 6 was too early, my friends kids go to bed about 8 and they are the same age, but even if i put her to bed later she still wakes up at 7am regardless so, i just put her to bed early and that gets her a better sleep if she is waking a few times.. bt the way i just tryed a different techique for her morning nap there, instead of letting her cry to sleep, i held her stroked her back, cuddled right into her, she fell asleep within about 3 minutes, i put her in her cot and she sturred a lttle.
so i stroked her back and she was out again,, result!!! much nicer for me and her x

[Igglybuff]

That's good you've found a nicer way!

My DS doesn't cope well with later bedtime. But like you, my friends put their kids to sleep around 8 and they wake at 8! Doesn't work here.