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Worried about my son. Could any of you help a new person?

16 replies

libbyss · 14/08/2005 22:16

Hi
I am new to this site. I have already learnt that I have made a few gaffs!

I wondered what your opinions/suggestions would be for my current worry.

My only son ( I have three daughters) is my step son although that really is a technicality! I don't ever really refer to him as such (his bio Mum is out of the picture). I have raised him since he was 13 months old, he is now nearly 10.

We are expecting out 5th and final child and I am feeling incredible pressure to have a boy that my son longs for. he says that this would be the best thing ever and would make us a 'proper' family. He knows that he had a biological mum and it didn't ever seem to bother him but just lately he is really quite moody with his sisters and sees it very much as him on one side and them on the other.

It's breaking my heart and has taken some of the shine off our impending arrival. I am terrified I'll have a girl and he'll feel sad, disappointed and excluded.

Could any of you suggest something which could help. I took him to the last scan with me as my husband could not attend - and we went to find out the sex but weren't able to get a result 100%, this seemed to help him bond more but I feel him slipping back.

New baby is due at the beginning of November. Time is ticking.

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meggymoo · 14/08/2005 22:31

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waterfalls · 14/08/2005 22:31

I dont really have any advise, except that although your DS is only ten, pubity could be just around the corner, witch could be alot of the reasons for his moodtness.

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moondog · 14/08/2005 22:33

Nice of you to be so worried for him but gosh,frankly I think he'll just have to live with it!

(Meggymoo's ideas are nice though!)

Welcome btw.

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Tortington · 14/08/2005 22:39

i think just throwing in a few phrases like " oh your going to be such a help - i am so glad i 've got you" and such should help.

also spending time alone with him if you can. an you et him to help you prepare a baby hamper box with stuff in like cotton balls and lotion and stuff? he could do it - you could say " we will buy one thing a week - i think you should chose" let him chose the leaving hospital outfit for the baby.

and tell him even if it is another ewwww girl, it won't matter becuase i will always have my special lad.

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goosey · 14/08/2005 22:49

Girls are great and I wouldn't pander to his selfishness but any suggestions to the contrary. Give him a clear message via a biology lesson and the news that YOU will be equally as thrilled with either a boy or a girl, and stop allowing him to cause you such terror. He will soon fall just as much in love with a little sister as he would with a little brother and does not have the right to upset you and get away unchallenged with such 'proper family' nonsense. Tell him he is special and include him and ask his help etc. etc., but don't let him upset you so much if you can help it. It's simply immature boy talk and he'll adjust either way.

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MarsLady · 14/08/2005 22:57

I know how you feel. When I was expecting the DTs I prayed that one would be a boy, cos DS1 said that whilst he could love 2 sisters and 3 at a push, he would leave home if it were 4.

I think it's partly an age thing. Not sure what to say. I just told DS1 that the babies were lucky to have such a lovely older brother and that I was sure that he would love them whatever they were.

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clary · 14/08/2005 23:02

libyss is it you asking for names?
Some good ideas here I think.
I have 3 children and can tell dd, the middle one, that she is special because she is my only girl. That is something you could always say (only boy of course!!!) to yr ds.
Also at 10 he can be genuinely helpful, not just after the birth, but eg helping with cooking and chores (in a nice way) - show hom how much it means that he can help you when you are getting bigger and more tired, helping in a way that his younger siblings perhaps cannot.

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libbyss · 15/08/2005 08:37

Thank you for your responses.

Oh Marslady it's good to know you have been through it to.
Moondog and Goosey, whilst I appreciate your feedback I find your responses a little harsh. No offence - I know I did ask for opinions - My son has had all manner of emotional hiccups in the last couple of years which invlove finding out that I wasn't his bio mum and that she didn't want to know him (he was snubbed by her, which broke his heart) I would say that yes I am being soft on him but he is so shaky and insecure at the moment that I wanted to try a softly sofly approach to see if that would halp.

We seemed to be making real progress with him then this year I fell pregnant and we were back to square one. I will try some of the lovey suggestions listed here today, ones that I wouldn't have thought of myself but will definitely be giving a go.

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Flossam · 15/08/2005 08:44

Just wanted to state the obvious - scans which are inconclusive are usually girls! Some on the advice on here has been good. Give him some extra special attention and cuddles, I'm sure he'll feel differently when he meets his new little brother/sister

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libbyss · 15/08/2005 13:05

Thanks for that Flossam, it's appreciated.

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Blu · 15/08/2005 13:12

Libbyss - I think it is really lovely that you are so sensitive and protective to his feelings - he is bound to have certain feelings as he sees the tribe grow - I am sure that the fact that you DO care aout his specialness will come over. Actulally, I wonder whether it maight be better NOT to emphasise how great a help he will be, and perhaps sympathise a bit 'oh yes, now we'll really have to make sure that all these girls give you some time and space', and maybe make some special 'boy-time' adjustments for him?

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libbyss · 15/08/2005 13:16

That's so lovely blu - your message made me cry. Thanks.

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tigermoth · 15/08/2005 13:43

I agree with your instinct that now is the time to make your son feel extra special. It sounds like he has had the rug pulled from under him in the last year or two - learning he has a biologivcal mother and then living through her rejection of him. He must feel he has a lot less control over his life than he thought. No wonder he feels insecure.

This request to have a brother could be his way of controlling the situation. He can see the family he is used to is changing with the addition of a new baby. Change for your son means rejection and disappointment.

Is there any sort of ongoing activity you can share with him and get him interested in, now and post baby - even a family holiday for next year? Something you can plan together? Would he want to join scouts, a football club, have music lessons, something you can take him to, show and interst in as well? I think it would be good for this not to be baby orientated, choose something that makes him feel stable, valued and important, but distracts him from his immediate worries.

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robinia · 15/08/2005 14:00

I've got a similar situation (although without the "step son" complication. Oldest is dd age 9 and she has 3 younger brothers. Am expecting no.5 in October and she is desperate for a girl. Although she is perfectly content and loves her brothers I know a sister would be wonderful for her and a brother will not be quite the same.

So I can see exactly where your son is coming from and, whilst it might be nice to hope he will be just as happy if another sister materialises, I suspect that he won't. I think he may well feel sad and disappointed, just as my daughter will. But he doesn't have to feel excluded. You and dp will need to spend extra time with him, allowing him time to do his boy things, inviting round his boy friends, emphasising how much you appreciate him being such a great big brother etc. etc.

If I have another boy I shall probably spend a little time with my dd, being sad together (not from my pov you understand, just from hers) so she knows that I understand where she is coming from and that it wasn't deliberate (not that she thinks that anyway as we have told her it is just luck what you get). Loads of empathy and a bit more special time for him should ease the disppointment in time.

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aloha · 15/08/2005 14:56

I think if it is a girl it might help to emphasise how incredibly special he is to you as your only boy. Make his difference an asset to your family. Yes, he might relish being helpful but he is only ten and a child himself and I think a vastly growing family -while wonderful in many ways - can be a bit overwhelming for a child. My stepdaughter now has five siblings in two different homes and she does find it a bit much sometimes, and I sympathise.

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libbyss · 22/08/2005 13:30

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you who replied to my post (or should that be whom - ahh I forget).

I read through all of them with interest and have been trying different techniques with my son and I think we appear to be making progress.

We're going for another scan, next week this time with my husband too and rather than dreading it I'm rather excited. I'm just too eager for this good behavior to last.

I also hope that I can be of help to some of you ladies when you're at your wits end like i was a couple of weeks ago!