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anniversary of a death

(17 Posts)
nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 11:11:48

itll be nearly a year since the death of my MIL, bless her.

i dont know what to do

i dont want to just ignore the day, for dh's sake, but i want to let him know i havent forgotten and i want to sort of do something for him

i know he wants to be around for his dad, but ive asked his dad (without dh knowing) what he is going to do, and he said "ill not be around" so i take it hes going to be visiting relatives (who stay a bit away) or taking off on his own (maybe to where we scattered MIL's ashes or something)

anyway, hes not really my main concern, dh is

what do others do?

or do you do nothing? please tell me!

tia

Twiglett Sun 31-Jul-05 11:12:26

can you plant a tree in your garden (or bush or similar) or even elsewhere?

nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 11:13:50

ive bought a rose bush - but ive had to plant it as i bought is too early! (was trying to be organised, but arsed it up)

Twiglett Sun 31-Jul-05 11:14:39

how about a picnic near where you scattered ashes

or a family lunch

nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 11:16:37

we scattered the ashes miles away - it was too far for dd's to go in the car, although we could go just me and dh (i would go there if i knew FIL wasnt definitely going there, but would hate to turn up and he was there, as i know he wants to be on his own)

would you go out for lunch or stay in?

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 11:17:06

Twiglett's idea is lovely. Or how about naming a star? (I would be thrilled to have one named after me but then I am an old hippy with the obsession of a geek . . .)

I think you are very kind to be thinking of your DH at this time, I am sure he will understand about his dad wanting to be away too.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 11:18:11

Going out for a meal would be nice, you can raise a toast and remember good times.

Twiglett Sun 31-Jul-05 11:51:11

actually I think maybe you should stay with your children for the day rather than go off just the two of you

children are a great leveller and can serve to reinforce the 'circle of life' aspect that partially helps us come to terms with loss of a loved one .. and even if you don't believe that ..kids are great levellers and make it more difficult for us to 'wallow' in grief .. although it will be a sad time there is no question as anniversaries of death are difficult

.. in some religions there is actually an official marking of the first anniversary .. I believe in Judaism the first anniversary is when the stone is set over the grave, previously it will only have been marked by a simple sign

Twiglett Sun 31-Jul-05 11:51:39

were her ashes scattered in a beauty spot? could you fund a bench / plaque with her name on ?

hunkermunker Sun 31-Jul-05 11:56:12

In our family, we don't mark anniversary of death days. We remember birthdays as it seems happier and less morbid. But perhaps a first anniversary is different. I would just be wary of it becoming a ritual each year. Hope DH is OK and agree that children are good to be around at times like these.

jessicaandbumpsmummy Sun 31-Jul-05 11:58:56

Its my mum's first anniversary of her death next sunday and we are going out for a family lunch. Me, DH, Jess, my dad, my brother and my SIL.

We werent sure hwat else to do...... it's the first time any of us have had to deal with this.

WideWebWitch Sun 31-Jul-05 12:05:31

I found the first year particularly hard. Dp organised a treasure hunt for me and ds and tbh I wished he hadn't as I didn't want to be under any obligaton to do anything. Looking back though it was a good thing and did distract me momentarily. So I think you should make sure dh is happy with your arranging something, he may not want to do anything. I think rituals to remember are nice though - there's no way I can ever not remember it's the anniversary of my dad's death so I do usually try to do something, a walk or a picnic with any members of my family are around or something.

Somanykiddies Sun 31-Jul-05 13:07:45

For Dp's ex anniversary the children let off helium balloons with messages tied to them for mum so she could read them in heaven.

nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 13:16:14

agree we should stay with dd's, after having a wee think about it for a while, and what you said, thanks

i like the idea of a bench, but dont think dh will (at first), although i think he would in the end (does that make sense?)

since the ashes are so far away, we wouldnt go there very often (dont like the idea of it being there all alone!)

so might suggest a bench somewhere she liked but closer to home, there are so many places, she liked everywhere!

nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 13:18:06

i dont want to do something every year, as you said, it can become a morbid ritual. its just this year

hunkermunker Sun 31-Jul-05 13:20:16

Yes, I think the first anniversary's different. But after that, you don't think "This time last year..." in quite the same way. I'd prefer to remember loved ones all year round and not have a focused day, but I realise other people need to mark the day in a special way. I'd just rather do that with a birthday, that's all.

nailpolish Sun 31-Jul-05 13:22:49

i dont really remember much about the funeral, only sitting with a fixed expression on my face, thinking "do i tell dh about these contractions or not?"

i just feel like, since dh is so quiet and keeps things to himself, he will just sit and wallow, thinking about his mum, and i want to help him

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