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Do you have a mum who makes you feel guilty?

(19 Posts)
SPARKLER1 Wed 20-Apr-05 14:29:15

Love her to bits, don't get me wrong but she has a very clever way of making me feel guilty. She has just phoned me to see if I fancied going out to Bingo () with her tonight. Told her that I already had plans and was going out with a bunch of friends for a meal.
She isn't in great health, having had a stroke at a young age, and doesn't drive. Therefore, she doesn't get out and about too much unless my sis and I offer lifts, she does catch the bus occasionally.
She sounded really fed up when she called and sounded like she could do with some time out. When I told her I couldn't she said oh, never mind in a really sulky voice.
Situations like this come up quite a bit - and she makes me feel bad.

SPARKLER1 Wed 20-Apr-05 14:30:32

She doesn't have any friends to go with - I keep encouraging her to join groups etc but she doesn't. Like I said she isn't in good health and my step-dad is very poorly too and she needs to be around him in case he needs her.

SPARKLER1 Wed 20-Apr-05 17:00:25

Maybe it's just mine then.

006 Wed 20-Apr-05 17:20:05

No! Tough one, but couldn't you book for another night to assuage guilt?

mummytosteven Wed 20-Apr-05 17:24:05

No - but she's not very old, so doesn't rely on me for social life.

would say same as 006 - do it another night. is there a particular reason she couldn't give you more notice? would you or your sis be able to give her a bit of money so she can get the odd taxi?

bubble99 Wed 20-Apr-05 19:23:03

My mum has started 'phoning me and leaving sulky messages if I'm not there. Quite often I am there but too busy to pick up. By the time I've got the kids settled, had something to eat, chatted with Mr Bubble, I'm often not in the mood to talk to anyone. I've tried 'phoning her for a quick chat and to check that she's OK but then she's hurt because I don't want to talk. I love my mum, we weren't particularly close when I was growing up and I think she wants to have a close relationship now but TBH by the time my children go to bed I'm desperate to relax and I hate feeling obligated to anyone . So yes, she makes me feel guilty but I'm getting better at dealing with it.

TwoIfBySea Wed 20-Apr-05 20:18:32

My mum has it down to a fine art. Being an only child there is all that guilt piled on my head so when I am making a decision about something that might not even concern her she makes it known I am not doing what she wants.

Worse is she has done it so long I constantly doubt myself over everything. There are opportunities I missed when I was younger because she hinted she didn't want me to move away from home or do anything where I might find some worth in myself. All of it hinged on me feeling guilty about thinking of myself.

I have a real battle over my dst, I don't want them around certain things, not important to some people but I don't want them having fizzy juice yet (they are 3) or ever if I can help it. I also don't want them being around smoke, both my parents smoke heavily. I have caught my mum giving dst fizzy orange and smoking while they are in the same room. She makes me feel guilty for over-reacting and that it won't kill them just the once. Maybe not but I don't want them to be around the same sh*t I had to deal with. (I wonder if my weight had something to do with my mum putting sachets of sugar in my fizzy drinks to "take the bubbles out." That is not the only food issue she left me with.)

And no matter what I am made to feel guilty, it has destroyed my self-esteem and held me back. I am so not going there with my dst or any other child I have but it has made me scared if I had a daughter would I be as vindictive?

Sorry Sparkler, kind of hijacked your thread for my own moan there but it is something I am having a problem with just now!

Caligula Wed 20-Apr-05 20:46:46

No, just frenzied rage.

dropinthe Wed 20-Apr-05 20:51:39

Ditto on the guilt trips-had them all my life-rise above and ignore!

zaphod Wed 20-Apr-05 21:09:41

Yes. My situation was similar to yours. My mother was bedridden for the last 3 years, and relied on me and my brother and her carer and a couple of friends for company. She would ring and ask me to come and visit, 20 mins drive away, or ring and want to chat at a busy time of day like dinner or bedtime. With 5 children and a part-time job it was hard to get time, and she would make me feel guilty, and THAT would make me feel resentful.

Anyway, she died 6 weeks ago, and I feel awful that I didn't make more of an effort to spend time with her.

SPARKLER1 Thu 21-Apr-05 17:49:11

She's done it again! I phoned to her this afternoon to say I was taking the kids down the beach after school as it is a lovely evening and asked if she wanted to come. (Thought she would appreciate time out and with the kids too). She sounded really miserable and said no I won't bother. I told her I thought she would enjoy some time out, she said she would but won't bother as she couldn't see the point. (She does suffer with depression too). I am on ADs and started a counselling course this week, so trying to sort myself out. I told her okay, said bye and put the phone down. I felt so cross as I was looking forward to going out with the kids and having a lovely time with them, while I was sat on the beach all I did was worry if she was okay. Feel bad too as I put the phone down a bit abruptly on her too.

Peachyclair Thu 21-Apr-05 18:13:37

My Mum makes me feel guilty too. My ds1 has an assessmnet at the hospital tomorrow for special needs, yet every time I speak to her she says'well what are you doing to him to make him that way?'. Can you imagine?! He told us and her he was being bullied, off trotted dh, saw dep head and teachers, full complaint revealed that in fact it was his odd behaviour in school causing problems. Mum said ' well you didnt explain it properly'. And there's the classic 'you dont kiss or hug him enouhj'.

I hug / kiss my kids constantly, we even have a thing that if I squeeze his hand, it mean I love him. Never, ever remember a hig or kiss from my Mum to me though.

Oh yes (sorry Im on a roll- apologies we moved back into town so she could be near us, but she never once visited us despite a ten minute walk. Yet now she is getting funny because we are moving away!

sorry for going on. mums eh?

lalaa Thu 21-Apr-05 18:50:54

Yes. Less so now than previously, but it's ingrained, I think.

Muller Thu 21-Apr-05 19:13:22

Have always felt my mum makes me feel guilty about life in general! If i am going out with friends the general response is "what are you going out AGAIN". If i am wearing something she hasnt seen b4 the response is "Been buying again have we". Last week my son got player of the year in rugby and i was so proud. She was there, but afterwards when i was chatting to her about it, made the comment " lets hope he doesnt break his neck and be paralysed like that young man from Bedford", as the trainer had said he had no fear. I mean what a thing to say. She is so negative about everything and drags me down. Trouble is if i dont see her twice a week, i feel guilty, as if i tell her i have other plans on her day off she comes back with "oh charming, no plans to see me then". I really feel i need to cut the apron strings and keep her at arms length, but its so difficult. My brother is not close to her and does his own thing, which is why i think she relies on me even more. MOTHERS!

motherofboys Fri 22-Apr-05 18:17:15

Yes I agree with you all!! Mums are best at piling on guilt - how do we, as mothers, ensure that we don't fall into the same trap?

Muller Fri 22-Apr-05 19:33:08

No chance of that! my partner reminds me everytime i even say anything remotely like she would. Plus i try to praise my kids instead of being negative and looking on the down side. Dont you?

motherofboys Sat 23-Apr-05 11:40:00

Yes absolutely but I think they did - it all went to pot when I hit 13 and i remember all the things she said then and how she made me feel i had made all the wrong choices - affected my life big time. Not looking forward to being the parent of teenagers as a result??

colditz Sat 23-Apr-05 11:53:38

My mother has just berated me for not having chocolat and coke in the house.

My son is 2!!!!! In my opinion, 2 year olds are fine with whatever you decide to give them, so why give them crap?

Honestly, the way she chunters on you would think I am commiting child abuse by not providing adequate sugar!

Muller Mon 25-Apr-05 10:51:55

Ha ha, if you had a cupboard full of junk that would have been wrong also!! Still shouldnt moan too much i spose, deep down if something happened to my mother i would be gutted. Just need to try to keep her at arms length when she gets on my nerves too much. She needs to realise i am 36 years old, not 6!

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