The woman being the main breadwinner - anyone else in the same boat??

[mum2toby]

I thought I'd start this for advice I s'pose..

My boyf and I both work fulltime. However, I am the highest earner by quite a large margin. I have always been career minded where as boyf works simply to earn money. It works quite well most of the time!! At one point we even discussed him working part-time and looking after ds whilst I work! But financially that hasn't been an option yet.

It has started causing friction though. I am up for promotion and although boyf is really pleased for me, I know he feels like a bit of a failure. He doesn't feel like a 'real man'!! I know it's silly and no matter what I say to him it still crops up.

The house is in my name. In fact, EVERYTHING is in my name as boyf has a bad credit rating from way back, before we met.

I don't how to make it better for him. At the same time though, I am feeling the pressure of having ALL the financial responsibilites. It's putting a real strain on our relationship and I think boyf is starting to resent me. (

Help!

[mum2toby]

Oops!! Honest.....I'm not mad!!
I never meant to put in that grinning face!!! Don't know what happened, it was supposed to be an unhappy face.

[lalaa]

mum2toby
I was in this position for several years with my dh. He too found it difficult to begin with, but we got through the otherside within a year or so. How long have you been together - is this something that will get better in time?

The only advice I can give is to keep talking about it. Whenever there was friction, I kept explaining how I didn't see it as me earning more than him - just that there was one pot and it didn't matter how much we were individually contributing. Also, my dh does lots round the house on the domestic front, and also in terms of renovating and maintaining the house, and this has contributed to the overall financial wellbeing of our family as the house is now worth lots more than it was when we bought it. Is there anything he does which is contributing to family life in general? Although this might not have a hard cash value on a monthly basis, it's worth saying how much you appreciate and value anything like that he does.

I do know how you feel re pressure of all the financial responsibilities. Unfortunately haven't got much to offer in terms of advice....if it helps, I left my f/t job with nothing to go to and fell pregnant during the notice period. Have spent the last year doing tiny bits of freelance work, which has meant that dh has HAD to keep us. It's been v. tough, but he has delivered. I'm not advocating resigning (!), but I've been really surprised how dh really pulled it out of the bag when we needed the money......
HTH

[mum2toby]

Thanks lalaa.

We've been together for 3 years now. I've always earned more (except on Mat Leave), but he's bottled it up for so long! He does that all the time.... bottles things up until they explode into a massive argument. The fact he hates his job doesn't help matters, but he won't make the effort to find a new one!! I'm a very proactive person, but he needs a cattle prod and 6 months of thinking and me nagging before he'll do anything about it!!

He too contributes a lot with the housework, in fact he's a MUCH tidier person than I am!! I'll speak to him and try the 'one big pot' theory. That sounds like good advice.

Thanks loads lalaa!

[lalaa]

mum2toby
Cattle prod sounds familiar!!
Eventually, my dh decided to go self employed and is loads happier, though we are loads poorer. We have lots of time together though, and after birth of dd at beginning of Nov, he stayed at home until after Xmas - a v special time.
Point of this post is to say is it worth discussing what he really wants to do careerwise? Could you afford to support him if he changed his career, on the basis that in the long term, you'll both be happier and you could also be financially more equal?
Just a thought...

[eefs]

I'm earning more than my DP, and I'm quite a bit younger than him, so by the time I've reached his stage in the working life I'll be earning quite a bit more than him.

We've tried various different ways of organising our money and it has always caused arguments, but not because of the difference in our wages but because we are generally broke by the end of the month, despite having a reasonable income between. The best arrangement I've found is that we both put money into a joint bills/food/petrol account (into that "one pot", I put in proportionally more so that we are left with the same amount of spending money in our own accounts. Perhaps some arrangement like that which leaves you both with an equal amount of money would make a difference? I do think it bothers my DP on some level, but we both recognise that I'm lucky to earn more, not that he's unlucky to earn less, and that if the situation was reversed my DP would be the one putting more into the pot. It does put the pressure on me that I couldn't ever do part-part time work or be a SAHM (which I'd love to be) because we need my money too much.

[Mumma]

Hi! We do the same as you eefs. I earn a lot more but we put the whole lot into one account and take the same monthly 'spends'. Neither of us have much of a problem with it anymore (I think it took time but we have been together for 9 years now)although I do feel that it removed my choice to go part-time after our DSs were born. I have now been made redundant and DH has had a promotion so things can change! I do think it can be hard sometimes though to not get sucked into judging someone's/our own worth by salary because so much is made of the importance of money, but really there are a lot more important things than cash.

[jac34]

I've always earned more than DH, he has never had a major problem with it, but seemed very pleased when I went part time after the ds's were born, I think he liked the idea of me playing a more traditional role.
As twins in child care proved very expensive, we now are in the position of both being part time, I work 3 days, he works 4 and ds's have two days at day nursery. I still earn more and do less days, but our whole financial and child care contributions are far more equal, and we are both very happy.
In September the DS's go to full time school,neither of us plan to up our hours, and both plan to use this as time for ourselves/retraining etc. Eventhough, the extra money would come in handy, it's not the most important issue(we will be better off from not paying child care),the fact that we are both doing our share and happy, is far more important.

[jasper]

I am in the same position and I hate it.
My dh resents me and it makes me bl **dy annoyed because if there is any resentment going it should be from me to him but I am far too grown up for that.

[tigermoth]

I've been in the situation of being the main breadwinner and bill payer in the past and expect to be in this situation again.

One thing I have vowed not to happen next time round is this: I will not let others think I am the financial lynchpin 24/7. After years of working long hours I found not just my dh but also his parents and mine began to accept that working was my main contribution to the family. That what I was there to do. OK this might be a wrong interpretation of events, but somehow I felt everyone forgot I was a mother as well. My dh was great at looking after my son - he gradually took over that role in other people's eyes. Many people thought I liked working long hours just because I did. I ran a stall - for extra money mostly, but so many people assumed it was my hobby. As if I would choose to spend half the weekend away from my son while I was also working mon to fri!! I still remember how I had to hold my tongue when the in laws jokingly told me off for doing too much.

When I told friends and close family I was pregnant again, the main reaction was 'what will you do, how will you manage' which I though was really sad. I felt like the family workhorse.

I think it's all too easly to slip into the role of being the one where the buck stops. The one who keeps things going. The bill payer come hell or high water. Personally I hate being that someone and will do all I can to dodge this labelling again.

[jac34]

I agree Tigermoth,
We would have far more money if I worked full time and DH stayed at home, but neither of us would be happy. I believe we have an ideal balance, even if we are skint most of the time. I don't want to work full time anymore and neither does he. As long as we can pay, the mortgage, bills, food bills etc who cares. The car is over 10 years old but runs well, and the house could do with improvements, but nothing major. In time I might want to take on more at work, but for now I just want to be at home with my kids as much as I can.