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Fallen out with Godfathers wife

(11 Posts)
gosh2 Thu 09-Jan-03 15:45:02

I need all the advise you can give. My best friend and I fell out days before my baby (4 months) was born. My husband, against my wishes asked her husband to be one of our baby's godparents. I asked my husband at the time, to reconsider as I knew it would cause problems ahead.

Anyhow the Christening is looming. She still hasn't seen the baby and refused to visit when her husband came across with presents.

We had one strained conversation before Christmas when I texted her about something and she phoned me.

However, now my husband and I are rowing about the Christening. Rowing is not something we ever did a lot of. At the moment I feel sick at the mention of her name, and hate answering the phone incase it is her. - which is isn't. I have got myself all worked up about this, and now my DH is saying we can cancel the Christening and have no godparents present, and just do it with our family. Which I would prefer at this moment in time.

There is so much more that I cannot type as the whole subject makes me feel sick. I resent the fact that she has made no effort to see the baby, I have to say if I had not fallen out with her we would still be friends, so it is entirely my fault. Although why we fell out was bubbling around for years.

I know I should be grown up, and let my baby have a great Christening like our last baby. But I actually don't want to see her on the day, because it is the first time we will be face to face since the row.

Comments please.

GeorginaA Thu 09-Jan-03 15:58:07

At this point I think the emnity between you both is doing you a lot of damage, and will continue to do damage until it's resolved (and I don't think cancelling the christening is going to do this).

You don't say what the row was about, but it does sound reasonably serious. I do think you both need to find some time to sit down and talk it through *before* the christening. Perhaps going out to lunch somewhere neutral to talk things over? Make peace for the sake of your baby *and* yourself.

I can *really* sympathise and I know it'll be hard to do this. I fell out with my (then) best friend when I was 18 and refused to speak to her for ten years before I realised I was being stupid and got in contact with her. We're now really good friends again. I now understand that by letting it fester so long I was harming *myself* not the person I'd had the row with! And when I *did* get in contact with her it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it'd be and she was actually pleased to hear from me!

I think what helped me get there was the realisation that I didn't want my son to copy his mother's pattern of dealing with conflict, I didn't want him to grow up thinking holding grudges was the best way to go about life.

Best of luck. I hope you have a wonderful christening

breeze Thu 09-Jan-03 17:27:43

Its a difficult one, do you know for sure whether she is going to the christening. It is very difficult, but really depends on what you fell out about, sometimes its a combination of a few little things and sometimes it is something big that won't be sorted.
Is your husband really close to your ex-friends husband?.
Sometimes when people row it only takes one to make the first move and then all is okay.

As suggested maybe you could get in touch and suggest a coffee or something, if you don't have the nerve to call perhaps you could text.

I do hope that it gets sorted because i know how difficult these things can be.

All the best

WideWebWitch Thu 09-Jan-03 18:50:23

Gosh2, I think it depends on whether you see yourself being friends with this woman again. If you do and think this was a non-serious issue between you that could be resolved then I think you might as well resolve it sooner rather than later, make up and go ahead and invite her to the christening. If you can't see ahead to a future friendship with her then I'd say leave it and don't invite her. I do have to say that I'm astounded at your DH asking her husband to be godfather against your wishes - I wouldn't have stood for it, but maybe that's just me? After all, it's your baby too and if you knew this would create a problem because of your friend then he should have respected your wishes IMO. Anyway, sorry, that's not very helpful I don't suppose and won't create harmony between you and DH. What does he think you should do? Sometimes friendships do end and for good reasons. If this is the case with you and your friend then I think maybe you should try to accept it and move on. If not, maybe try one of the other concilitory approaches suggested?

sobernow Thu 09-Jan-03 18:53:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lindy Thu 09-Jan-03 19:11:32

I sometimes think we can become more focussed on the 'row' & keeping it simmering rather than making the effort to move forward, some months ago I had an issue with a family member & spent many a sleepless night worrying over it & 'justifying' to myself why I was in the right & the other person wasn't. Another friend very gently & tactfully (and it showed me what a real friend SHE was) pointed out that neither of us was 'right' or 'wrong' there were just two very different points of view on a very emotive subject.

In the end I made the first phone call & things have been fine between us, neither of us refers to the original cause of the dispute, but I am really glad that I made the first move; a useful phrase I read once was 'how important will this issue be in a month's/year's time' - and I think thats very true.

You may feel that this is totally inappropriate in your case, and I don't want to sound as if I am preaching, but this worked for me (& gave me the 'moral high ground'!!), I do feel for the sake of your son and DH it is worth trying to make the effort, accepting that you might have to 'agree to disagree' however hard it is.

Good luck.

Lindy Thu 09-Jan-03 19:14:14

Sorry - for some reason assumed your baby was a 'son' - don't know why.

Tinker Thu 09-Jan-03 19:18:43

gosh - agree with www on this. It's your family's day and this will add unnecessary stress. I would leave the attempts at reconciliation til afterwards when there is less pressure. If she really wants a reconciliation she would understand, I think.

Had a very similar situation myself, huge fall-out with one of best friends, mostly my fault (well, prob all my fault then) but the probelm came when a mutual friend invited us to a perty some months later. I contacted fallen-out friend just to break the ice before we met, but there is no way I would have done it if it wasn't fro my other friend. I wouldn't have done it if it had been my day. Couldn't go inth end and still not made it up with friend but thats' another story.

Essentially, it's your family's day and this hassle can wait. I too would be mightily p***** off at your partner's insensitivity though. But, in his defence, I think blokes just don't take women's friendships and subsequent fall-outs that seriously though. I think, generalising massively, that their friendships are, maybe, not so intense and one-to-one and they don't take hurts and slights to heart so much. Maybe?

gosh2 Fri 10-Jan-03 08:07:10

Thanks for comments. To update you had a discussion with DH last night, not a row as we are both tired of the subject. He claims he asked me before he asked his friend to be Godfather, I dont remember this conversation EVER. Anyhow today he is phoning his 2 chosen godparents and telling them the Christening has been postponed. It will go ahead with our parents present only and no godparents there, which I am quite happy about.

I spoke to him of my hurt that my girlfriend hadn't been to see the baby, and that if it was the other way around I would have gone to see her. I have said it has now gone on too long and I now don't want to resolve this with her.

She has no intention of resolving it, she only contacted me because I texted her. If she had of texted me first I would have been delighted and seen it as a sign that she was willing to make the first move.

Anyhow the result is that we are no longer rowing about this. He has said that when he sees his friend if they are having a drink together he will mention that he was disappointed that his wife felt she couldn't make a move. That was more support than I was expecting from him.

So today he will phone his chosen ones and I will let my 2 know. Thank God I asked 2 people I was at school with, and who I have been talking to about this, so they will totally understand the reason.

DH said he is not going to give a reason.

I cannot dwell on the fact that he asked his friend, as it would be unfair of me, afterall I brought up this row with wife after DH repeatedly asked me to drop it and not mention it to her.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Really relieved.

willow2 Fri 10-Jan-03 10:34:32

Oops, sorry... thought this was going to be about The Sopranos.

gosh2 - glad you've stopped rowing.

Portia Fri 10-Jan-03 22:31:08

Thats really sad, as it should be a day you look forward to not dread. In my experience when 2 people fall out its never just one person's fault-friendship is a team effort so to speak. So dont feel too bad.

When we had our daughter christened the minister mentioned that we didnt have to have any Godparents at all, its a matter of personal preference.

I wouldnt go ahead with the original plan of having your friend's husband as a godparent whilst you're feeling this way. I think you're husband's suggestion is a good one. There will be time to sort this out with your friend at a later date (if you want to) I suspect shes feeling really embarrassed about her reaction and as a result has avoided facing you (I dont think its about avoiding the baby)

Try and enjoy the day and remember what its all about - you and your family and the celebration of a new life !

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