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Mother I never knew has died

(11 Posts)
Instamummy123 Wed 16-Oct-19 21:02:20

So on Tuesday morning I received a letter from Estate research/ genealogy matters, naming both my biological parents at the top of the page and asking me to contact them.
I immediately knew this was regarding my biological mother, who I’ve not seen in 25 years or so.
My older brother and I were brought up by my dad and my stepmother and our biological mother has never really been in our lives.
I seen her for a bit when I was 13 then again briefly when I was 15 then nothing.
I am now in my forties!!
We had tried over the years to find her but were unsuccessful.
It turns out she died on 26th September alone in her home and was assumed she had no next of kin.
The company I mentioned that wrote to me where requested to look for any next of kin by her local council.
It seems she had moved to England from Scotland many years ago and had also changed her name, hence the reason we could never find her.
I now feel we have been hit with this terrible news and I’m not sure how to feel or what to do about it all!!
We know very very little about her, her life everything is going through my head.
The local council dealing with it all are trying to be as sensitive as they can be.
As yet there has been no funeral and her body is still with the coroner.
I just don’t know what to do as it really seems like she had nobody in her life.
Anyone been in similar circumstances as this?

bookwormsforever Wed 16-Oct-19 21:05:31

Oh, wow, you must be in turmoil. Sorry, no advice for you, but have a big hug and flowers

I’m not surprised you don’t know how to feel. Can you talk to your dad about her?

I hope you can find closure.

lostonadustyrock Wed 16-Oct-19 21:08:18

I don’t have any personal experience but wanted to drop in and say what a complex situation it must be for you. Grief is an unpredictable and confusing beast and sometimes pops up where you least expect it, and also doesn’t pop up where you might expect it to.

I don’t think there’s a rule for this type of situation, you have to go with your own instincts and know that whatever you feel as the weeks and months go on is what it is - your journey.

I’m sorry.

Elieza Wed 16-Oct-19 21:10:15

Sorry you are going through this OP. That’s so sad and a lot to deal with. flowers

pasmayalabeille Wed 16-Oct-19 21:20:14

I hope that you are feeling ok.

I think it's okay if you feel sad but I also think it's okay if you aren't sad.

However you are feeling thats ok.

This time is yours.

I wish you strength in the coming days and weeks.

Take care

MangoSalsa Wed 16-Oct-19 21:26:10

[Flowers] Sorry you’re going through this.

My dad died a couple of years back. Had very little contact with him during my life. His step-daughter got in touch via a private investigator a few weeks before he died.

It was a time full of turmoil and big emotions.

However, I had lost my mum (who was a big part of my life) 7 years previously. That threw up a lot of turmoil and big emotions too, some of it relating to my dad, their split and his absence from my life. It took me a year or two deal with that turmoil and those big emotions (counselling, reflection, revisiting old areas). I was left in better shape about those underlying things.

I also had nearly unbearable grief, and a huge sense of loss. I still miss her everyday. Just being in her company, hearing her voice, seeing her face, seeing her hand in all the beautiful things she created (her garden her home, her art, her craft works). She enriched and supported my life in unimaginable ways.

That wasn’t the case with my dad. He wasn’t a presence in my life, so there was less of an actuality to miss. I got over his death much, much quicker than my mum’s. I realised had grieved the loss of my dad as a child, when he disappeared from my life. At a time I wasn’t really able to articulate or express myself about it.

I’m guessing that you’ve probably done a lot of soul searching over the years about your mum’s absence. You’ve felt a lot of the emotional pain of loss and absence already. It an odd way, you’ve probably done some of the work of grief already.

So, whilst there was still turmoil and pain when my dad died, it passed more quickly, it gave me a sense of closure I’d not had, and in the end I emerged stronger. I was able to close that thread in my life and move on. It was much, much easier than losing someone who had actually been in my life.

I hope that sharing my experience has helped. Counselling is something I would very much recommend, to help deal with the turmoil you feel about her death, and also how the past links into that. It helped me a lot.

Take good care of yourself whilst you’re in the thick of the big emotions. Give yourself space to think and feel- whether that’s a long bath, regular walks or just quiet time, either on your own or in the company of someone loving and supportive.

MangoSalsa Wed 16-Oct-19 21:26:31


Lisette1940 Wed 16-Oct-19 21:36:28

flowers OP. Be gentle with yourself

Instamummy123 Wed 16-Oct-19 21:52:08

Thank you everyone

Mangosalsa I can definitely relate to so much of what you have said, thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I definitely did grieve for my absent mother growing up and thought until now, I had pretty much dealt with that, but I have such an overwhelming feeling of heartache and sadness.

I just can’t stop thinking about her now and feel so incredibly sad she was on her own.
Especially as my brother and I so desperately wanted to find her.

I feel I’ve lost her all over again

I can’t ask my dad anything about her as my brother and I actually don’t speak with him and have not for quite some time.

To be honest my mother was never, ever spoken of anyway, almost like a bad word!!

MangoSalsa Wed 16-Oct-19 21:58:57

Similar thing Instamummy, couldn’t speak about my dad to my mum really, it caused her so much pain.

You did your best to find her, it wasn’t your fault she was on her own. It just shows what kind of person you are that you feel that sadness. It’s a good reflection of who you are.

It did re-open my old wounds too, wounds I thought I had gotten over, but once I had done the counselling and done the processing, they finally properly healed rather having a bandage over them that I sometimes picked at.

It will take some time for you too I’m sure, but I feel “clean and whole” inside now in a way I’ve never done before.

MangoSalsa Wed 16-Oct-19 21:59:31


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