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AIBU to be frightened about having this baby?

(15 Posts)
Rosyloo Thu 20-Oct-11 14:53:20

Hi all.
So, about 2 months ago I posted on here about the death of my new-born. Previously, I'd been talking with some of you about my dear niece who's going through a tough time with her family and health.
Well, a few days ago I discovered I am pregnant- again! Given the short time since Maisie's death, I am finding myself not only being frightened about the future of my LO, but also that I wish it was Maisie being 'cooked in the oven' as it were. Should I be having this baby with this mindset? Is this normal?
I mean, I've spent a lot of time with my neice, and she seems to be coping better now with the 'loss' of her mother and her health issues, but I don't want her to feel pushed out? Ahh, there's so much going on in my head, and I can't make sense of it all! My Husband has been telling me that this is normal. But how can it be? I was so excited when I found out about being pregnant with Maisie, and now I just feel horrified? What do I do?

eurochick Thu 20-Oct-11 14:55:32

The "great" thing about pregnancy is that it is slow. So you have 8 months or so to get your head around this.

I'm sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the pregnancy.

SenoritaViva Thu 20-Oct-11 14:59:14

Of course you are not being unreasonable to be worried. I don't know your whole story so can't comment too much. However, it is natural to want the baby to be Maisie, I am pg with second and want this baby to be 'just like' my DD, am afraid it won't be. You've been through a lot more trauma than me, so don't beat yourself up.

Obviously your neice is going through a lot, there will be room for you both though. I am sure you will make sure there is.

How about going for some counselling, either family with your neice to prepare everyone or on your own to sort through things in your head.

Congratulations, I'm sure you will worry a lot more in this pregnancy but you know that's OK?

LunaticFringe Thu 20-Oct-11 14:59:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern Thu 20-Oct-11 15:02:04

Of course you aren't being unreasonable to be scared. I doubt many of us wouldn't be.

Maisie is a lovely name smile

It's no wonder you are a bit all over the place, you have been through an awful lot in the past year. I'm sure if you include your niece in your good news & pregnancy she wont feel pushed out, it may give her something nice to focus on.

Try to find a way to relax - your DH is right, it is normal to feel like this, but you need to let it all work itself out and take it one day at a time.

Rosyloo Thu 20-Oct-11 15:04:15

#senoritaviva - my sister (neice's mum) had mental health issues and abandoned her children, left them alone in a house to vend for themselves. She (neice) had a cancer scare this year, and during pg with Maisie, she felt pushed out as she had only just come back into contact with me.
obv then Maisie died and I've seen a lot more of neice in the meantime- she's coping well, but I'm scared about lots of things. One of her housemates at university is not nice.

On the pregnancy side of things, I just don't know if i'm ready, but I know that if I terminate the pregnancy, at some point, my conscience will kick in and i'll never be able to forgive myself. I'm stuck in a bit of a rut here :/

KCEHNR Thu 20-Oct-11 15:23:31

I'm so sorry to read you lost your baby.

I think your niece would be shocked if she thought you were considering terminating your pregnancy because of her. Your having a child will only mean she has more family to love in the long run. It's a pretty rash assumption to make that your niece doesn't want you to have a baby and even more rash to think you should terminate because of her feelings. But is that really what's going on - or are you using your niece as a reason to consider abortion. You don't need any excuses if you aren't ready - but you need to think things through with someone in real life. Either way it's a huge decision.

Rosyloo Fri 21-Oct-11 10:21:09

I guess a lot of what I'm feeling is still the after remnants of shock! And, whilst I understand that my niece would be over the moon about this baby, i'm not so sure that I feel that way! Because, I remember the whole time when I was pg with Maisie, I was so excited and kept counting down the days, and then she was just taken from me with no warning! And I don't want to get all excited about this baby only for the same thing to happen again! I'm not sure I could go through that twice! I mean, maybe it won't happen again, but what if it does??

KCEHNR Fri 21-Oct-11 14:08:51

My parents lost their first child at birth. I grew up knowing that, but now, as a mother - I wonder how they coped with it & how they went on to have more kids.

Perhaps you need to take each day as it comes. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself with all this 'what if' thinking. Pregnancy and childbirth and early infancy are very uncertain times. Things don't always go well. But just because things went tragically before doesn't mean it will happen the same way again.

Think about how you feel today. How do you feel to be pregnant? Try not to think about what it will be like 6 months from now or what could or might happen once the baby is born.

Don't you think it would be sad to just pre-empt the worst happening by ending the pregnancy? I realise you're just trying to protect yourself from the pain you experienced before. But you may just be preventing yourself from experiencing some real happiness with a new child. Of course you will always carry the pain of your loss with you, and the memories of the daughter you lost, but do you think it may be possible to hold all that happened in the past and bring a new child into the world too?

I'm no psychologist - but is there a possibility that part of your anxiety is based in feeling that if you have a new baby you are somehow replacing Maisie & that's just too painful, because you still love her so much?

loveglove Fri 21-Oct-11 15:01:00

On the pregnancy side of things, I just don't know if i'm ready

Sorry for your loss. Were you using contraception?

SenoritaViva Fri 21-Oct-11 16:30:26

Sad story for you OP.

Can you involve your niece somehow in your baby's life. What about asking her to be godmother (or equivalent, depending on religion etc.) I know that she has been through a lot (well you all have/are) but if she is at uni she should be old enough to be able to talk to frankly and understand that you can love both her and a newborn.

Rollon2012 Fri 21-Oct-11 16:44:40

Im so sorry about your loss

your incredibly brave, I wasn't particualrly exited about being pg and hadn't gone through what you had

its very normal to be ambivalent as corny as it sounds take one day at a time.

TheEndlessArete Fri 21-Oct-11 16:54:49

We lost a newborn baby, Alex, and for most of the next pregnancy all I could think was that I wanted Alex back. Not that I didn't want the new baby but it just felt so wrong that it wasn't Alex. At about 7mths pregnant, I'm not sure what happened, but something switched in my mind and the pregnancy became less about who it wasn't (Alex) and more about who it was (Peter). So by the time Peter arrived, I was ready for him, rather than just being sad that we didn't have Alex.

Hope that helps. Go easy on yourself, it's early days and a hard time sad

marriedinwhite Fri 21-Oct-11 17:02:37

It will be an incredibily difficult and hard pregnancy. However, my dd was born 51 weeks after the birth and death of our 2nd son. This was against all medical advice and no-one thought the pg would get to term. Eventually, at 41.5 weeks dd was induced at my request and after a very fast labour out popped a bright red, fat screaming baby with an Apgar score of 9+. Every single minute of that awful pregnancy was worth it and at 13 she is the light of my life and although what we went through to get her was horrific and although I would dearly love to have kept that 2nd little boy, I have always looked down on her little blonde head (it's still a little blonde head to me) and felt so blessed that in spite of everything I got her and if our history had been different I might not have had exactly her and that is unthinkable.

Good luck OP - look after yourself.

Rosyloo Fri 21-Oct-11 21:59:27

thank you all for such lovely posts!!
I have spent the last day reflecting on everything, and I know you're all right- I would never terminate the pregnancy, I am just so damn scared it's unbelievable!!
And i know you're right about neice- I am sure she will understand!
I just want Maisie in my arms so much it hurts, and I still have her teddy we bought the week before her birth/death!!

Thank you for all of your support, I don't know how I would get through this without you smile

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