DP says no more kids. Gutted. Advice please!

[herbaceous]

My DP has just announced he doesn't want another child, ever. Until he issued this edict I thought I was happy with one, too, but now I feel utterly wretched. Can you wise ladies help me through my head?

History needed: I'm 44, and DP is 10 years younger. We started trying for a baby five years ago, and had four late miscarriages and a failed adoption attempt before conceiving, and keeping hold of, DS who was born last July.

I love him beyond all measure, and am trying to treasure every second as at my age I know it's unlikely I'll have another.

We were just 'seeing how it went', not using contraception, and while I was hoping for another had accepted it probably wouldn't happen. In fact, my period was late last month, and when I thought I might be pregnant, suddenly didn't want to be. I didn't know how I'd cope with a toddler and a newborn, and felt oddly disloyal to DS. I also didn't look forward to the endless drudgery having two kids seems to entail.

So, my head doesn't seem to want more than one. My heart is happy with DS - but sad at every new thing he does, as it will be the last time I see these 'firsts', and I can't consider getting rid of his baby clothes, etc. So is it my hormones screwing me up?

DP's reasons for not wanting another are all practical - money, pressure, etc - as well as saying he's worried about my health, and if it all goes wrong again. Which admittedly is quite likely.

But I feel just totally gutted that he's taken away even the glimmer of hope. Maybe it's just because I've spent the past five years trying to get pregnant, using contraception now just feels wrong.

It's the only thing we've really rowed about in five years. And we're both totally intractable, but he holds all the cards.

Sorry this is so long - just need to vent, and for some insightful thoughts from ladies who know!

[amberlight]

Herbaceous, as a mum of one splendid ds(who's now nearly 18!) all I can offer you in the way of hope is that such thoughts fade. I'm not saying they totally go, but they fade. It becomes easier to rationalise that one is as good or bad as any other number of children - neither better nor worse in any way. Just different.

You had your own concerns about coping with two, and whether that would take away the you that is "you" and turn you into someone who processes laundry and cleans up sick and all the other things that go with another little 'un. Those are sensible worries. Not everyone is cut out for multiple children and some people are much better suited to a single. Would you have coped? Undoubtedly yes. Would you have loved two or more? Of course. But ultimately there's only X amount of total love, and whether you give and receive that X amount from one child or from ten, it's the same X. Just differently split. And two children is four times the work, according to friends of mine!

I'm not sure what to say about your dp's change of opinion, other than to offer a large cuppa in the tea room and nod a bit. Perhaps it's that change of heart that is the most difficult of all?

[CMOTdibbler]

I think that it's normal to grieve when theres a sort of finality to not having another baby. Your life (like a significant number of people in this topic) has revolved around ttc/staying pg for so long, that it is weird to suddenly be avoiding that which you dreamed of for so long.

And it def different going from 'I know we probably won't ever have another baby' to 'We won't have another baby' - even if you know that is what you want

Give yourselves some time to adjust, and be gentle on yourself

[herbaceous]

Thanks Amber

Judging by the way tears sprang to my mind when I read your last sentence, maybe it is DP's change of heart that I'm finding hardest. I may well have misinterpreted what he wanted, but as we were having sex without contraception, and when we said to anyone asking about another 'oh we're just seeing what happens' he didn't disagree, I presumed he thought the same as me, though perhaps less keenly than me.

It's almost that I love DS so so much, I find the passing of his babyhood as heartbreaking as it is wondrous, and want to return to it. Although the reality would of course be trying to juggle him + another, and quite possibly feeling guilty about both. I do guilt pretty well.

[herbaceous]

Oh and thanks too CMOT. That's just what it is. Grieving for what might have been, and the end of my reproductive life. Such as it was.

If I had just 'not got pregnant', the let down would have been gentle, whereas this way it's a hard landing.

[herbaceous]

And of course it doesn't help that my NCT gang are starting to get pregnant with their second - with an annoying quantity of smug 'ooops, that happened far too quickly' . Bad timing.

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Hello herbaceous.

I agree with Amber and Cmot. It's very common to feel a pang at the thought of no more babies - I've read similar threads where it has been a partner saying no to child number 3, 4, 5 or whatever. What jumps out at me from your post is your reaction to your period being late - you didn't want to be pregnant. Heart is so important here.

Give your self time and space. Has your son been an easy baby? If not, perhaps things will ease off soon as he's approaching one and your partner will be more open to the possibility of trying again.

Come and have a cold drink and a lemon biscuit in the tea room.

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Hello again. I am a very slow typist so missed your latest posts, herbaceous.

I enjoyed my time with the NCT but one just has to learn to tune out the smuggery, I think. Our branch magazine was hijacked by The Mummies Who Invented Motherhood. Endless diary pieces which started "As the first woman in the world to have a baby, I wanted to pass on my amazing insights".

[herbaceous]

DS has been a lovely baby, after the inevitable sleeping/feeding/teething issues of the first few months. He sleeps through the night, laughs at everything, and is generally a delight.

He is blind in one eye (which is also small), though. A tiny part of me wanted to try again to 'get it right', however mad that seems.

Thanks for the invitation to the tea room. I've got to go and get dressed (!) and sort out my face first! Doing this thread has made me bawl.

[DinahRod]

There is a pang with whichever number it is, one or 6, but also hopefully excitement and pride as they move on to the next stage. I get a real lump in my throat giving away my dd's things. Part of me would very much like to go on having children until mother nature calls a halt but in every practical way it would be the wrong decision. Ppl say oh it's one more to love but you have to think about the happiness you, dp and ds have now. My way of handling it is to send dh to have the snip!

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Oh, herbaceous. Have a hug. If you drop by the tea room, you might also like an uplifting aromatherapy massage from Mellors, our gardener who looks uncannily like Daniel Craig, Denzel Washington, Alan Rickman, Wesley Snipes and Sean Bean.

Nothing you've said sounds mad. I only asked whether your son had been a difficult baby in case your partner was feeling worn out by sleepless nights and babycare angst and might feel more disposed once that all passed. But please don't think that your son's visual impairment in any way means that you got it 'wrong'.

Have another hug (or a bracing pat on the shoulder if you're wary of physical contact with strangers).

I'm off to buy a barbecue but will be around later.

[herbaceous]

Ooh I can't possibly give away his clothes! Well, I have passed some on - the ones I never liked - but am stashing the others around the house. Much to DP's disgust.

[herbaceous]

Another thought. I suppose I'm very angry with DP. I am grieving, I guess, for what will never be, but unlike grief for someone who's died - which can never be undone - DP has the power to change it. I realise he has as much right to decide about children as I do, but can't help but feel angry.

[mistlethrush]

As another tearoomer, I'd second (or fourth/fifth) the invitation.

Re anger - I wonder whether this is because you've not had the chance to make that decision yourself - he's decided and that's it. No discussion....

However, in your heart you might just agree with him. Perhaps... But it would still have been nice to have been asked your opinion and take part in the decision making process?

I'm also a stasher - I can't bring myself to get rid of everything yet, although its easier to move on the older child things - buggy is still in the loft as are big bags of clothes... and Ds is 5and a bit now. I will ahve to face facts at some stage. And the older he gets the more, in some ways, I am thankful that he's an only - he's hard enough work on his own!

As an only myself, I was never bored or lonely or wanting a sibling - so at least I don't have that perspective to colour things as well as my urge to have a second.

[amberlight]

herbaceous, I know many people who are partially sighted or indeed completely blind, or have only one working eye, and they are fantastic people who contribute as much to society as anyone else and are as loved and cared about as anyone else.
I have a son with disabilities so I know what stages of 'eek' I went through myself. It's not at all 'mad' to go through all that thinking about it. Not in the slightest.

Plus I have a huge list of disabilities myself , but it didn't stop me finding a loving partner and having a family and having a main job that I love. Oddly I know a lot of "perfect" people who have had terrible marriages and disastrous relationships with their offspring and rubbish lives, so physical perfection isn't what buys happiness. We just live in a society where we've largely forgotten that, thanks to the endless onslaught of the marketing people with their airbrushed perfect families everywhere.

Please never ever feel you didn't get it right. You got it right. Perfectly right. Know and feel that he's perfect just as he is, and the world is honoured to have him in it, and his lovely parents too.

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Oh Amber. That's exactly what I was trying to say but a zillion times better expressed.

[thumbwitch]

amber - you are brilliant! That was a beautiful post.

Herbaceous - I find myself empathising hugely with you - we are currently ttc no.2 but as I am nearly 43, it's getting more worrying as time goes on and it doesn't happen. Our difference is that DH would love to have another; I am more diffident about it but every month brings a pang when it doesn't happen again, so I'm not indifferent!

What will it take for me to give up - I don't know. Perhaps another couple of MCs? Perhaps we'll just keep going - it's so hard.

I can't really offer you any comfort except to say make the most of the boy you have, know that you will give him everything you can and he will have a wonderful life with you. Siblings aren't always all they're cracked up to be anyway!

[AandO]

Amber that was lovely!

Herbaceous - I know how you feel. I myself have massive indecision (ds is now 3 yrs and 8 months). Most of the time decide that 1 child is best for me personally but also I sometimes get scared about this and worry that I'll regret this decision, also 1 is best for dh, and very very unsure whether or not it is best for ds. However anytime dh makes any definate statement that this is it I feel angry at him, like he is taking something away from me. Now he would prefer just 1 but also always had it in his head that we would have 2 and so is still open to the idea and we have now decided 1 for now and we can always change our minds at a later date. Dh seems to have left the decision up to me now, and that is definately the way I like it. So I can definately understand feeling angry at the decision being made by your dh, even if you would make the same decision yourself.

Just popping over to the tearoom now, hope to see you there !

[herbaceous]

Amber - sorry I didn't say so before, but your post was lovely. Brought yet more tears to my eyes.

AandO - that's just it. One might be best for DH, may possibly be best for me, but sure it's best for DS. Wish I had time for DP to come round gradually, but time is against me as ever. And to decide purely on what he wants I think is selfish. But then I don't want to persuade him round, by some miracle get pregnant, and for him then to resent me for ever more.

[oxeye]

Amber - that was a lovely post.

Herbaceous, I think one grieves at the ending of making a family even if you don't want more, or have many. I know a friend who has popped out four without noticing suddenly hysterical when her menopause meant she couldn't have a fifth although she didn't want one! you get the drift

Two things stand out from your post (in my mind) the first is that when you thought you were pregnant you were ambivalent. That hsoudl tell you a lot.

SEcondly that you are angty with your DH. That to me is something of a concern. It is quite understandable that you are upset tht he has made the decision but don't let that anger fester into something that threatens your relationship.

Remember your DS is not quite 1. I found the coming around of the first anniversary of birth HUGE and I didn't want a second. It is just that baby hood is so extraordinary - getting back to the weather and the time of year (Wimbledon/ schools breaking up/ sports days/ sales in shops etc etc) was so poignant thinking "this time last year I ...." so go easy on yourself, you may well find it is particular to this bit of year.

Also the great blessing and curse of parenting an only (even if they don't remain so forever) is that you think each event is the first and last - but of course every day we live is thus

Sorry, too too long. Come and have more pimms in the tearoom

[herbaceous]

Oxeye - that's very true. This time last year - as I keep thinking - I was lying on the settee watching Wimbledon and eating Magnums, being overdue and anxious. How very perceptive of you.

And now I'm wondering if my ambivalence when thinking I was pregnant was an elaborate defence mechanism. Though there's a chance I'm overthinking this!

Not helping was talking to my mum yesterday. She was going on about how we should have two, how important it is for children to learn to share their parents' love, how it relieves the pressure of parental expectation, etc etc.. All of which I now can't help agree with.

As for DP, he's a born worrier, whereas I'm a 'cross that bridge when we come to it' type. I feel he's made a decision based on what HE wants, at this particular time, without considering the consequences for DS or me.

Is it too early for Pimms?

[Confused08]

Herbaceous, I can understand your feelings exactly. I tool feel a bit "robbed" (if that is the right word) of hope but for different reasons.

Brief history miscarried at 12 weeks 10 years ago. Had daughter in 2003, perfect pregnancy. Miscarriage in 2005 at 6 weeks, another in 2006 at 6 weeks. Very late miscarriage in 2008 at 23 weeks, nearly lost my life with a huge clot behind the placenta. Had some tests done, just found out not enough it seems but put on a treatment plan of sorts and tried again, didn't fall pregnant for 2 years but found out on my 40th that I was pregnant again. Followed plan but miscarried at 12 weeks 4 weeks ago. Many tests now being carried out - very angry with hospital which I won't go into here. But time has been wasted by not doing what should have been done 4 years ago, 2 years ago and even 18 months ago. So now we are all these years down the line with 5 losses that I know about and a few more suspected and treatment plan for suspected problem is harsh. Added complications from my son (23 week loss) does not help the overall picture plus my age is against me a bit....

There is some hope for me and according to my consultant quite a lot but I feel angry at the time element that has passed and now I am 40 and my daughter is 7 I am questioning whether I really want another - I am full of fear so wonder if that is having an impact on my feelings, up until now I have allways known I wanted another and assumed it would happen but as each year passes and each loss takes another little bit of my heart I really don't know how to feel anymore. I almost have two different people sitting on my shoulders whispering things in my ears one being pro/one being con and I don't know where this is coming from and which one to believe!!

The pro stay at an only voice tells me life with my daughter has been fantastic for the last 7 years, our family of three is great and would I be upsetting the apple cart by another, I also think maybe some divine intervention is trying to tell me to stop. I know many other only children who are happy and content like mine, do not miss the siblings they haven't got and will be absolutely fine in the end. My husband and I are finally in a very good financial place, have excellent working lives whereby we both work from home, our daughter has sleep overs regularly, there is allways people knocking on the door and coming round and everyone is very happy. I also think maybe I might not get such an easy one next time, maybe I am too old and will be exhausted, maybe my daughter will resent a sibling after so many years on her own...etc etc. Then I have a whole new host of worries about what if I put myself and my family through more heartache if another pregnancy fails, what if I get seriously ill this time and something really horrible happens...

My Con voice tells me there is a chance that the next pregnancy won't end in heartache so get on with trying again. I also feel that there is someone missing in our family, allways have done. My daughter is so amazing and watching her grow has been a pleasure she is a contented little soul and was an easy baby - slept well, no real illnesses or concerns, I also look at the shared memories and experiences that we all talk about in adulthood, my husband and his brother have an 8 year age gap and they get on famously, speak every day of the week and are very good friends. I have a twin sister and although sometimes I could swing for her she is very much part of my life - I also could talk to her everyday for hours on end about nothing which a lot of people don't really "get". Although I am 40 I am far more active that a lot of women much younger than me, I am a coper and I am like you in a cross that bridge when we come to it. I also feel that my journey hasn't reached its end point, it feels like unfinished business. I look at my daughter playing with her cousin and I feel a pang of loss and hurt, she is so lovely with younger children and she would love a sibling as would I and my husband.

Then all of this pales into insignificance when I face the reality of my situation and realise that it is not just a case of getting pregnant and having another - that in itself presents a whole new host of pros and cons with regard to my history and what we think we know and what is yet unknown....

Gosh sorry for the big rambly diatribe, I suspect I have been wanting to get this down for weeks somewhere...not sure here was the best place but not sure where to go with my story...

[oxeye]

Herbaceous, just to say, your Mum is wrong. It's perfectly possible for Onelies to be wonderful, and MAny Siblingeds (a new word, methinks) to be ghastly. Look at some of the only posts on this topic. Your Mum only sounds wise because she speaks on that of which you fear....

Confused, just wanted to say you poor thing, what a topsy turvy ride. I have nothing helpful to say but goodness me you deserve happiness and peace however it comes your way

[RobynLou]

herbaceous, just wanted to say, don't get rid of the clothes, just hold on to them for the grandchildren! my DD has loads of things which I wore/played with, its lovely when I think how enormously proud my gradparents would have been to think their great granddaughter would wear the cardis they knitted, read the books they bought and sleep in the cot they built

[thumbwitch]

Confused08 - how hard that must have been for you. I have no advice just wanted to acknowledge your troubles.

I can vouch for siblings being a mixed blessing - it took 26y for me to get on well with my sis (which we still do) but I never got on with my bro and now we Do Not Speak. Both our faults but there is no love lost there at all.

[mistlethrush]

confused - join the club - I don't fancy 4 - 6 mo of chemo again - and each of the mc I've had since ds have each been overshadowed with the fear of that repeating itself... I don't think that dh is prepared to have me go through that again either - or go through what he did helping me through it - and we would have the added complication of a 5yo to cope with on top. So I think my decision has probably been made for me...