Best parts of being an only family?

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

Just a note, I have also posted a slightly different version of this in infertility.

I have PCOS, ttc #1 for 2.7yrs when I finally got clomid through an enormously long drawn out referral through GP. I became enormously obsessed with falling pregnant and then became depressed during this time which then translated into pre-natal depression/anxiety and PND which was something I did not see coming at all, having wanted a baby so badly.
I withdrew and felt numb by the time it actually happened and early pregnancy experienced threatened miscarriage and some other issues. I became obsessed with checking on the baby and went for countless private scans between the usual hospital ones and was convinced I'd have a stillborn but at the same time was completely disconnected from reality and felt like I was in a bubble.
Basically It was not a nice place to be but we are through it all now and are much happier.

DH and I have been discussing a potential second child as it was something we had previously always planned and are aware of how long it could take to attempt this but I am now leaning towards sticking as an only family as I can see many appeals, including not having to go through that again.
I'd love to hear what people love the most about being a happy only family?

[ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas]

I was an only child. I had a really lovely close relationship with my father and got to do a lot of things that would have been impossible with a sibling like private school and holidays. It was fantastic while my parents were young and didn’t need me. I sometimes actually feel guilty for having a second child (even though the we can afford one). But I think that’s just my experience clouding my judgement.

[HostessAtCrimbo]

Hi i have one dd who is 4

Not having any more for a number of reasons
Medical (her and me...) money (a few promotions down the line and it would be hard for me to manage my curent job with a mat leave and new baby)
More money reasons (bought a much bigher house increased the outgoings....matleave would be hard)

But those are the choices dh and i have made in the knowledge no more kids

Positives- our disposable income is focused on 1 child so more activities are not a problem
I work full time but am home by 6 every night and all my attention evening and weekends are on her alone
Easy to get babysitters (due to our family etc i know not everyone has this) so dh and i have been holidays weekends away weddings for overnights with no issues, we get plenty of couple time. We get lots of sleep as dd sleeps great.
With 1 child i feel fulfilled as a mum. I give dd alot of my attention we play together every day. But i still have alot of "myself" and get to do alot of things i did before kids such as girls holidays....long lie ins on a sunday...

[twinkletoedelephant]

Dd bff is an only... She once told me she loves coming to us ( 3 DC's 2 younger brothers) Was going home to the calm of her room where nothing got moved or borrowed, without the noise and constant interruption.... She invited me round for some peace and quiet :)

She's always says she has lots of fun but always thanks her mum for having only her when she picks her up :)

[Chewbecca]

Few arguments, no fighting
Fab holidays

[GrumpySausage]

I'm an only and I have a lovely close relationship with my parents. I've never missed or wanted siblings. I had plenty of friends but could retreat to my own space when needed. (I miss that now I've got kids).

However I've now got two dc, and one of my small reasons (as daft as it may seem) is because I didn't want my first born possibly having to be in sole charge of making decisions for me when older. I'm conscious of that for me as my parents get older. However on the flip side, now I've got two would they work together?

But if you do decide to have an only, or one more, as long as they're loved they will be happy. I'm aware that sounds cheesy but it is true.

[rumandbiscuits]

Your story sounds similar to mine.

I also have pcos and also become almost obsessed with having a baby. Luckily for us it only took 16 months to fall pregnant and as soon as I did I thought 'wtf have I done' I was 24 and honestly had convinced myself I would never have a child that I so desperately wanted. And then I saw that positive sign and I was gobsmacked and the I instantly realised I was too young to have a baby and I hadn't done everything I wanted to do with my life before children. Luckily for me I am in a committed relationship and have a mortgage, a degree and a good job but I still felt too young. I was angry with my doctor for telling me it was likely I would struggle to conceive and if I wanted children to start trying sooner rather than later.
It was everything I'd ever wanted and I was sad. I went through with the pregnancy and felt totally numb and just hoped that when she arrived I'd be overcome with love.
I had a terrible labour and was quite ill afterwards which didn't help. I felt an instant connection to protect my baby but I desperately wanted to turn back time and not have her. The responsibility was overwhelming and I didn't sleep, I barely ate, I just cried for months! I wanted to give her back, I wanted more than anything to rewind time but I couldn't. I felt like a failure and so guilty for feeling the way I did.
She is 20 months old now (I was diagnosed was PND when she was 4 months old and took antidepressants for a year). I wouldn't rewind time anymore and although she's a pain in the arse at time I love her more than anything and am totally obsessed with her.
Like you I feel odd about her being an only child I want her to have a sibling and I would like to have another baby but I am terrified of going through the same thing again. It was the darkest time of my life and i seriously considered ending my life at one stage. Looking back I don't recognise myself, it's like I was a different person and it terrifies me what your mind can do.
Sorry for my long post but it has helped me to write that down. Whatever you chose to do OP good luck

[rumandbiscuits]

I will also add that I have two half sisters and one half brother and honestly I know it might sound harsh but I might as well not have any siblings. We aren't close although I would like us to be so I may as well be an only child and would happily be one! But that oddly doesn't stop me from wanting my LG to have a sibling.

[Ginfordinner]

I only had one due to infertility. As far as I was concerned the only downside was that DD didn't have a sibling to play with.

The upsides:
Less washing
Less tidying
Less running around to activities
No fighting
Family room on holidays easy to find
Didn't need a bigger car
School applicationx x 1
Friendships issues x 1
Bullying x 1
Relationship issues x 1
GCSEs x 1
A levels x 1
UCAS x 1
Funding through university x 1

Quite frankly I don't understand how any parent gets through the last few unscathed if they have several children.

[WoodliceInSunderland]

I would dearly like a second child but it is not possible.
I'm very envious of all the pregnant women around me and everyone seems to have happy families with more than one child.

However...

I am starting to see the advantages, a friend was talking about her three children all having a vomiting bug.

You don't always have to struggle to make things "fair".

It's cheaper to do just about everything, just a simple trip to the funfair really adds up when you have two or more children.

With multiple children when one is ill and the other/others are fine, you feel like you have to split yourself in two. With just the one you can work to his/her schedule and energy levels.
Just chill on the sofa together with some calpol and a dvd without having to drag the poorly one out on the school run or having healthy kids bouncing of the walls at home.

There are many other good things, you just need to try to focus on them.

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply everyone, it's definitely given me the perspective I need - especially if it does come down to us not being able to extend our family like we planned

I hadn't thought about a lot of those things and have come to realise that I do need space and time to myself which I might not get so freely with more than 1 child..

[Ginfordinner]

Oh yes, the downtime. I couldn't have coped with having no me time if we had had loads of children.
And coping with the relentless drudgery of it all. Some people thrive on chaos. I don't.

Then the illnesses. If one gets norovirus/chicken pox/flu etc the rest will.

I used to feel sad for DD when she was little that she had no siblings, but now she is 19 she says that she doesn't regret not having any.

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

@rumandbiscuits scarily similar situations for us in most of those ways, it's so nice to feel like I'm not the only one who went through that! for you, so glad everything turned out ok in the end with DD. I wish things were easier for both of us

[Aldibaldi555]

Our 18 month old is likely to be an only.

Reasons include bad sickness in pregnancy so not sure how I would cope with pregnancy and a toddler, my age (late 30s), the fact I found (and still find) being a new mum tough.

DC was a fairly “easy” baby and has always been an ok sleeper, but I still find it so hard. I literally dread to think how I would cope if I had a “difficult” baby, like my friend’s baby which has woken every hour for the entire 18 months of its life, or a baby with additional needs. My mental health would be in tatters and I acknowledge that.

My main priority now is my existing child having a fit, healthy, happy mum. I think having another child would compromise that.
I like calm and order, not disorganisation and chaos.

DH and I have several siblings between us and are not especially close to any of them. And when I meet friends with kids more often than not their kids are fighting or ignoring each other not playing lovingly together.

We’ve had quite a lot of help with DC from grandparents but realise that’s because DC is the first grandchild so the level of help may decline if they have more grandkids which will probably happen. So we couldn’t necessarily rely on the same level of grandparent help with a second DC.

Benefits of an only from my perspective:

• no fighting
  
• can focus 100% on child’s needs, eg if sick
  
• I can still have my career, as can DH
  
• easy enough to find babysitter
  
• DH and I can each have time out to exercise, relax
  
• less money stress, we will (hopefully) be able to pay for child to do hobbies / sports they like & support through university if they decide to go
  
• having a calm mum!
  
• having a not too chaotic house
  

Obviously some people can achieve those things with more than one child but for me two kids would be rocking the boat too much.

[MadWinter]

All of the above plus: you have a different relationship with you dc. As a parent of more you are more of a facilitator. As a parent of 1 you have a 1-to-1 relationship. Usually mum + dc, and dad + dc. It's quite nice.

The key thing you need to do is manage your own guilt for not having a 2nd one. Otherwise they will feel it. They may ask for it one day, and you need to have a positive answer ready. Also you may feel bad when the dc is playing on it's own during holidays or stuck at home at weekends because everyone is out doing family stuff with siblings. If you manage that, dc will be fine.

My bf is an only. Her husband too. Both loved it. She has more 'best friends' than anyone, because she needs them more.

My DH is also an only. He loved it too. More money, lovely relationship with his parents. Learned to be on his own from a young age, whereas I always pine for friends and need attention and busyness.

We got my son a dog when he was 5, and that I would recommend. Gives him someone other than us who always listens. And also means he needed to learn to wait for attention, as puppies need a LOT of attention, also when going on walks etc.

Your child will be happy when you are. Do what works for you.

[BooseysMom]

@MadWinter.. you have written a good post here . It resonates with me esp the part about dealing with guilt at not having another. DH tends to come out with snide remarks like "well, you had the chance ". He knows i feel bad enough..but my reasons were valid at the time. Now i would love another but at 48 it aint gonna happen so I think it was meant to be that we only have one and that one is so precious and like you say, we have a great one to one relationship. So thank you for helping me feel better