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Will I be too old or to move on?

(61 Posts)
lighthouse17 Thu 18-Oct-18 07:39:31

Hi everyone I have been here about 2-3 years ago where my husband wasn’t wanting to have another baby. Fast forward a year or 2 he agreed to try and was very happy to do so. I was over the moon. I was 39 at the time so we tried for around 11 cycles and finally got pregnant only to miscarry at around 6weeks. Than my husband wanted to keep going and I got pregnant on the 4th try but again had a very early miscarriage around 5weeks. That takes me to 40 years old and my husband had enough as I nearly died in the recovery room after my operation for the MC. And the second time was just too painful. He took time off to be home with me. It affected our lives as I was too poorly and sad to be there for my daughter. We decided enough was enough so signed my daughter up for a nice private school. We are very with our decision as we have one child and can provide with her with extra things. So I am sitting last night and I know I am ovulating and this thought comes to mind and grab my husband and say I want to get pregnant arghhhh and of he says no. This instinct has such a pull that is too painful to let go. I know I am happy with one child but being 40 and letting go of my dream is too painful. Even if he said let’s try we can’t afford it. I am soooo sad that decision is kind of made for me. I try to think maybe it wasn’t meant to be ... anyone having similar issues or can add some kind words. I think what I am looking for is someone to listen to me and actually writing it here made me feel a better x

stemdert Thu 15-Aug-19 19:10:33

Just came across this thread and wondered how you were doing @lighthouse17

BooseysMom Fri 31-May-19 23:16:54

@lighthouse17..
Sounds like your cycle is still erratic but it should sort itself out soon. I had two miscarriages before DS. They were both around 6-8 weeks..the 2nd one was particularly painful and i had to go to hosp but didn't have to have a d&c. Then when we found out about DS I was 12 wks preg! I still had periods although they were a few days late and then when I had no bleeding at all on the 3rd month I went to get checked thinking it was menopause and was sent for an urgent scan and there DS was all along in there with me blissfully unaware!! So he is extra special for sure smile
Well the stories are in a box in the shed somewhere so I'll have to dig them out..might take a while

lighthouse17 Wed 29-May-19 22:31:21

@booseysmum
How funny as I just started my period too I think. I am saying I think it’s because I had a 3 day bleed 13 days ago which I thought it was a period. I am so confused. So I had my d&c on the 21st of April. I bleed a couple of days than it stopped completely. Than after 2 weeks started again and again today! I have no idea what’s going on.
I am hoping my cyst will go away on it’s own too. They will rescan in a couple of weeks time.
I also never felt well enough to go but once you start going you actually feel better.
By the way have you had any miscarriages before?
I am looking forward to your story smile

BooseysMom Wed 29-May-19 21:40:26

@lighthouse17
I have AF here atm. Very painful and I've got a cold and bad throat so a double whammy!
You're so good going to the gym...puts me to shame. I just never feel well enough.
You were very brave and decisive to get rid of the baby clothes. Well done! It took me years too. What have you done with yours? Did your cyst go away on its own? I had one too. A functional one and it was in the days before googling! It was agony and I remember having to stop the car and get out doubled-up at the side of the road! It did disperse on its own in the end. They thought it was ectopic pregnancy.
Thanks for your messages. You're right, we need to stay positive.
I'll see if i can dig out a story and pm it to you. You'll prob see why I gave up!

lighthouse17 Mon 27-May-19 19:42:06

@booseymum
Also wow about writing short stories and published! Maybe you can give me some names and I can read them?
Gardening is a great hobby by the way , very relaxing and rewarding. I should also try it if I have time.

lighthouse17 Mon 27-May-19 19:38:43

@booseysmum
Omg I was the same around my period. I could literally kill someone lol
Everything my husband does annoys me and I get sooooo emotional. I hate my monthly cycle. Since being on the anti depressants I had one period and it hasn’t been as bad. So fingers crossed 🤞
I started doing some origami and just now learnt to knit but so basic. I actually haven’t got that much time free. I try to do it when she goes to bed than I am knackered by 10pm. I also try to organise play dates and also girls night out maybe once a month.
Once I started to do things for myself I felt less need to want another baby. I never thought I would say this but because I am enjoying gym, and my life more I feel it’s best to have one child and also have spare money and time for myself. I think I lost myself a little in middle of having a baby, caring for a baby and a child. I forgot what it’s like to be me again. I got rid of all of her baby clothes today as well and didn’t feel that sad. I told myself that if we ever decide to get pregnant I can just buy new ones but I really doubt it to be honest. Also financially doesn’t make sense to have another one.
I am sorry to hear about your urine results. I am the same googling forever for things. I had a scan and she was a little concerned a out a cyst on my right side which causes pain. It’s about 3.5cm and I also started googling of course things coming up about cancer etc!
It’s best not to google and just let it be otherwise you get more anxious but I do the same smile hopefully your next urine test would be ok and my next scan. We have to think positive if we can.

BooseysMom Sat 25-May-19 22:00:20

@lighthouse17
Great news the anti depressants have started working! Maybe I need to try them as at times I feel almost suicidal. But atm I'm on a high and making the most of it, except for having a cold! I have AF due in a week and find the week before is not too awful. It's the mid month that I drop right down.
The gp just said as I was having regular periods they wouldn't test my hormones. I went back to see the same one this week and she said my bloods were ok but my urine had blood in so I got a bit anxious and was googling it! Big mistake I know! I have to do follow up samples the next two months.
I haven't got any real hobbies tbh. I used to write short stories and had a few published but gave that up years ago. I'm getting into gardening now we've got a house of our own with a garden. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
Yes that is funny our DCs are the same age. smile

lighthouse17 Fri 24-May-19 13:14:23

@booseysmum
I think the anti depressants have kicked in. I feel much less obsessed about getting pregnant or dwelling on my miscarriages which is great. I started to take on hobbies instead. My daughter is 5.5 as well how funny smile
I think this is it for us too. It just too many variables and risks involved. I need to feel better about myself first.
I also thought about pre menapouse because my cycles have been strange for a year now. But my GP did test my hormones so not sure why they won’t test yours? What do they say? My results were fine but even if the results are ok you can still experience premenopause symptoms. Do you have any hobbies?

BooseysMom Mon 20-May-19 19:49:05

@lighthouse17
That's funny about the anti depressants not doing much. You'd have thought they'd be doing something by now. Have you got any side effects at all?
Oh yes I know exactly what you mean! I'm like a broken record when I say to people "I don't know anyone copes with more than one!". But it's true..I really do wonder if I would cope and then it wouldn't be fair on the baby and DS if I'm constantly struggling. So yes I do think the same..that I'm so lucky to have DS. He's five and a half by the way. How old is your DD?
I think the Peri menopause is really kicking in now and I just can't understand why the gp won't re test my hormones. She said no as I'm still getting regular periods. But it's been menopause week all last week and honestly I have all the symptoms atm shock

lighthouse17 Sun 19-May-19 11:31:23

@booseysmum
Thank you for your message. I have been taking the antidepressants for a week now and to be honest I haven’t seen a big difference yet. My sleep has improved and I don’t feel like eating so much. Other than that I still feel sadness about my miscarriages but I think that’s normal. It’s a not a magic pill really smile
It’s much harder when you are on play areas and most people have more than one or pregnant. But I am trying to think positive when I start to feel sad. I look at my daughter and think I am soooo lucky to have her.
Actually this week she wasn’t too well and work was hard to balance to I thought to myself it’s so much easier with one child. I couldn’t even imagine how I would cope with more than one. Of course it’s easier to want more than one when it’s all going well but in reality it’s not.
How old was your child?

BooseysMom Fri 17-May-19 18:49:50

@lighthouse17.. hi, no worries. I've only just found your reply after a few days away. That sounds all good advice from your counsellor. I try to focus on what will be will be and relax and if it's meant to happen it will.
I'm ok thanks. Tried aerobics for the first time for months and felt so wiped afterwards. I can't believe I've lost so much of my fitness. It's so easy to let it slide and before you know it you're back square one!
It's so hard when you hear about other people's pregnancies. DS friend's mum has just had her third and she can't be older than 25! I think omg where did the years go?!
Anyway glad everything is ok .. take care x

lighthouse17 Wed 15-May-19 19:57:01

@booseysmum
So sorry I thought I replied back to you!
It’s been a crazy week. So I went to the psychiatrist, she told me to concentrate on what I have rather than what I don’t. She told me to let go of baby thoughts and said it will happen if it’s meant for you. She said she sees so many women managed to have a baby once they relax, let go and enjoy their life even at 47 years old. She told me that even if we decide to try not to test even if I miss my period and just let go. Obviously we are not trying as my husband doesn’t want it anymore but she told me you never know and then it’s meant to be than it will happen. I also started taking anti depressants for the last 4-5 days. It’s making me yawn a lot more other than that I haven’t seen much difference yet. I have been going to the gym more and getting fit which is a positive.
I am still getting down about my miscarriage and the fact that I might never be able to have another baby especially when my friends are announcing their pregnancy. I immediately try to practice positive thinking.
In the meantime I am also getting counselling.
How are you?

BooseysMom Wed 15-May-19 19:22:46

@lighthouse17.. just wondering how you are ..how did the counselling go? x

BooseysMom Thu 09-May-19 21:50:42

@lighthouse17
No worries.. my reply was late too I think. I've had a few days away from here after a horrendous AF. The doc said I'm not Peri as my AF is still regular every month but I've beeng getting all the symptoms. This last one I even thought i might be preg which resulted in a chemical mc but the urine sample was negative. I had nausea for weeks and felt really emotional and broody. The doc wouldn't do hormone tests but have to have bloods as I'm always so tired. I'm like you..i just don't know how to move on from this. I yearn inside for another but like you say about your friend, the grass is not always greener and how would I cope now at this age. The doc said it does happen and would I cope emotionally and I said yes it's just practically that worries me as we have no help and DH is not working atm.
Anyway yes, I have had Prozac years and years ago and I had a really bad headaches and dizziness after just 2 or 3 pills so stopped them. Now there are other better ones out there. My dad has been on them since my mum passed away and I have to say I've never known him to be so happysmile..I'll have to find out what they are.
Good luck tomorrow x

lighthouse17 Wed 08-May-19 10:16:18

@booseysmum
Sorry for the late reply. It’s been a busy week. I started to go to the gym properly even hired a personal trainer. I just wanted to do something for myself so I am not always upset about not being able to have another baby. To be honest it helps but the yearning for a baby is still there. I have no idea what to do to make it better. I am just so tired emotionally and physically now that I have to let go. My friend came over with a 3 month old baby and she complained about how hard it is. She said she can’t wait for the baby to be 5 years old so she can get her life back again. I think the grass is always greener from the other side saying is so true. I now know that this whole thing is a process I have to go through and it will take a while. I am having counselling on Friday with a proper doctor and she might prescribe anti depressants so not whether to take them or now. Have you ever taken any anti depressants before?

BooseysMom Mon 06-May-19 19:20:44

@lighthouse17.. oh i know! Wasn't it just pure bliss those 9 months when we didn't have the evil AF?! And I was really lucky as I ebf throughout and AF stayed away for another year after DS was born! If only I could have that again.
AF is def getting worse. I even thought this one might have been a v early mc as it was so bad with clots and half way thru the cycle I got really nauseas and v broody and hormonal when I held a new baby. I had to go and hide in the bathroom where I sobbed! So it is just appalling now. What are yours like?
That's really interesting about your friends kids and how you felt. I can imagine how exhausting it was as just having one 5 year old wears me completely out so to have two young ones! It is just the baby stage I miss but like you say I can't imagine goung they all that again at 47! When I held that baby I felt all awkward too and couldn't wait to give him back. It's like we'd never had a baby ourselves!
You're right about the longer you leave it after having one..I never meant to leave it this long but the time was never right and so much was against us. We were just really lucky we had DS.
I do believe in fate.. not sure about faith..guess it depends on the context. I find it hard to keep the faith as in belief of something. I think alot has been knocked out of me over the years and I've become a cynical old woman!!
I can see why you feel resentful of your DH. It's the same for us as he's resentful of me for not wanting to try until our late 30s but I'm resentful of him for not being able to keep a secure job when it mattered so we had to rent crap places. Even now we resent each other alot which is not good for DS.
Anyway thanks for asking how I feel now..It's better than it was. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep. It was bliss as DH took DS out all day so I had a lovely bath and went to bed and it was heavenly grin back to work tomorrow though sad Boo!

lighthouse17 Sun 05-May-19 19:10:05

@booseysmum oh I think AF is worse as you get older. I suffer terribly from mood swings and pains. It was amazing when I was pregnant. I really hate the monthly mood changes. We spent a day with a friend who has a 5 year and a 2.5 year old and I am absolutely knackered. I looked after the little boy in the park for 10min and I hated it. He was running in all directions, falling over. I just couldn’t wait to give him back. So I am thinking maybe it’s best I don’t have another one now?. Being over 40 takes so much out of you with a younger kid. Imagine going back to sleepless nights, nappies and especially kids getting sick all the time. You forget actually what it was like. I started to look back with rose tinted glasses. I have another friend coming with 2 kids tomorrow. The young is a 3 month old baby so I will let you know how that goes. I love the baby stage but not so much the toddler stage. Would you really like to go back to the beginning if you could have another one now?
I think the longer you wait between kids the harder it gets as you start to move on. I am really sad though as I didn’t want to move on. I want to be younger and be able to conceive easily and just have 2 children a little closer. But my daughter is 5.5 years old and I will turning 41 this summer soooo sad that it worked out this waysad
I wonder also if it’s faith? Do you believe in faith? Some people say don’t tempt faith. So I had 3 miscarriages, does this mean stop trying as it’s not meant to be?
I always thought I can shape my own future and I can have anything I want if I work at it but fertility doesn’t seem to be that way. I am also a little resentful of my husband as I was 35/36 when I wanted to try again after our daughter but he was a firm NO so we couldn’t. By the time he was ready I was 39 so too late by than for me. I told him this as well that that’s sometimes comes to my mind. But I also say he wasn’t ready and we can’t regret it right? He did try his best to give me another child but again too late now. Arghh sorry for the long post. I hope you are feeling better now?

BooseysMom Sun 05-May-19 13:13:57

@lighthouse17. Hi, how are you today? I'm on here earlier today as DH has taken DS out to give me some space. I have horrendous AF and when it's like this i can't go out or even talk to anyone and mumsnet becomes my best friend and lifeline. Doctors will say I need hrt but I'm toughing it out!
We're so alike yes! I love nurturing and often wish I'd trained as a nurse or midwife. I support nurses as my job and see the work they do and sometimes I get a pang of jealousy.
Anyway i really feel for you as it's so much more difficult when you have a constantly longing DD. It means you can never quite close that door and you end up wrapped up in guilt. I think the only thing you can do if you're def not going to try again is cuddle her and give her as much time and attention as you can..I'm sure you already do this so I don't mean to be tactless and I'm sorry if it comes across as patronising. I do this with DS. We can afford things for him we wouldn't be able to with another. Also I wanted to say that I think you were v sensible as you wanted to make sure you were secure in a good job and in a nice house before you had child. That's highly commendable these days! We wanted to wait and when DH kept being made redundant we had to try when we were in a rubbish damp rented house. We had DS there and the landlord was awful .We then struck lucky and managed to get a shared ownership house which are like gold dust around here! By that time I was 45 so I knew my clock was ticking away! Then DH got v ill and that put a stop to any more babies. So it is what it is.
Please do keep in touch. Pm me if you prefer xx

lighthouse17 Sat 04-May-19 22:13:17

@booseysmom
No problem smile
I think some women like us meant to be mums and enjoy it so much so we want to have more and there is nothing wrong with that. Some women choose career and no babies and some are content with one. You and me seem to be very similar. It’s good to have someone to talk to. I love nurturing, and I find being a mum the most fulfilling job. If I had my way I would downsize and live a simpler life and have lots of children instead of what I have now. I have a full time job , a big house and a nice car. But I had to sacrifice having babies. So I had to build my career till I had my daughter but if I knew how much I would enjoy being a mum than I wouldn’t have gone after career so much. So now I am stuck really. It seems too late for me to have another child and also too late to give up the life we built. I am not sure if I am making sense. But in honesty I would have started having babies a lot younger so I would have at least 2. We can’t turn the clock back so we have to be happy with what we have and just do what makes us happy going forward. So if cosleeping is what you love than do it. It’s not going to be forever. My daughter got her ears pierced today. She was so grown up about it and I just felt OMG she is growing up so quick. I wish I could stop the clock for a bit. She keeps asking me if there would be another baby. So sad I can’t give her a sibling sad

BooseysMom Sat 04-May-19 19:51:30

@lighthouse17.. hope you're ok today. I don't get to check this til the evenings! Yes I wanted to say I do feel like that too. I even let DS share my bed cos I'm so sad I won't have another I want this stage to last as long as poss. My horrible mother and sister in law know he sleeps with me and they gave me the 3rd degree! But he really won't go in his own room so he comes in ours. I read the book Three in a Bed. I can't make them understand it as DH's sister locked hers in their room and they screamed and screamed and eventually fell asleep on the floor!! I just can't do this to my baby!
So anyway yes all I do is dream about turning the clock back or being able to have another DC

lighthouse17 Fri 03-May-19 21:50:21

@booseysmum
Totally I dream about having my own child and looking after. Men have no idea and naturally as they don’t have the hormones. I long to have another baby one day but it’s looking really unlikely. I am having counselling as well and I told her that there is nothing in the world as fulfilling as having a child. You can go on any holidays you want, buy things, get hobbies but nothing could give you the same satisfaction. And she agreed actually. This is it for me and this is why I want a baby badly as my life became so worth living after having my daughter. I just lie next to her before she sleeps and I take it all in before it’s too late and she is older sad
Writing this here is very emotional for me. Is this how you feel too?

BooseysMom Fri 03-May-19 20:07:16

@lighthouse17.. lol. You're right there! I totally feel the same need to nurture. Men don't get that at all. I held my sis-in-law's 5vmonth old baby for the first time and I actually felt awkward and inexperienced even tho I've had a child. It was weird. I cried for ages after tho cos it made me feel so sad i can't have another. I long to b/f again. I just spend the whole time dreaming, do you?!

lighthouse17 Thu 02-May-19 21:59:23

Omg it’s so true the time is just running away! I can’t believe I will be 41 this summer. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was 34 and honestly it feels like a year ago!
I miss my younger days where my fertility was booming and I just felt young. I don’t like being over 40 because of fertility. The odds are against me now. My eggs are just too old and that is depressing. You know what I think I really wanted to get pregnant again also to feel young like nothing has changed but it has sad and also to hold a baby in my arms again and nurture. I am not ready to let this go yet but my husband has. Men don’t have the same urge to have babies. I swear if it was up to men than the human race would diesmile

BooseysMom Thu 02-May-19 21:32:55

Sorry about getting the number wrong. That's hard on you and while your body is still ovulating the natural urge is to ttc. It's what I was ignoring for too long. How can time go this fast? It's just not fair!

lighthouse17 Wed 01-May-19 21:11:12

@booseysmum
This was our third miscarriage so maybe 4th time lucky smile
I really doubt it though given my track record. I say one more try after every miscarriage but where does it end. I even said if the third one didn’t work than no more but I can’t bring myself to close the door. I just want to move on but it’s not going to happen anytime soon. I really hope we can try maybe one more time before I turn 42 but again it’s just too late sad

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