Surprised at my reaction

[Fortunatepiggy]

I'm 40 with a 4.5 year old ds. Have been trying to decide whether to have another child for about a year and have been putting off the decision because I keep changing my mind. ( I know may be too late now anyway) Many reasons not to have another based on finances, career, strain on marriage ,no family to help locally, things just getting easier, ds has always been a terrible sleeper. Worry about miscarriages or health issues or even twins! but I've always thought I would like 2 children. I suppose it's the norm isn't it? However I'm an only child and never felt lonely and my ds is sociable and makes friends easily. Anyway we haven't been trying for another whilst I make my decision. Dh is happy with one but says if I really want another he will agree

Anyway my period was late this month and I did a test and it was negative and .. I felt relieved.. not disappointed. I suppose that's made my mind up hasn't it. I'm a bit surprised though as I thought I did want another but maybe not. Don't really know why I'm posting I think I've been overthinking the whole thing. Anyone else felt like this?

[Tatlerer]

Hi OP. Yes I think I know what you mean! I'm a tiny bit younger than you (37) with a 3.5 year old. We've not been actively trying for another and are largely comfortable with this (like your DH, mine is very very happy with one!) but I've been struggling a little- I had to have several rounds of IVF to have DD and a ridiculous part of me wants to fall pregnant to prove I can do it on my own (I most likely can't!!). I've never been late and always have 3-4 days of telltale spotting before my period arrives, but I must say, for the last couple of months I've been relieved when the spotting has started!

It's great to hear you were happy as an only. I heard Tony Robinson on the radio earlier and he was saying what a fantastically happy childhood he had as an only too. A couple of friends who have had second children recently have pointedly said they did it primarily to 'give' their child a sibling and prevent them from being only, so that always plays on my mind too.

[Pennyfitzgerald91]

Hey there, yes I understand what you are talking about. I have an 20month old son and I have been in some sort of panic mode about having another. There are times when i feel lost, depressed and emotional about the whole thing, sometimes i feel desperate to have another but like you i worry about the strain on my marriage. I would suggest that you read about one parent families and benefits of it. I have been reading articles and to honest I am feeling a little better about it x

[Fortunatepiggy]

I swing wildly between decisions. I was so late that after the initial relieved reaction I then convinced myself i might be pregnant and sort of got used to the idea and then was a bit disappointed when my period arrived this morning. I've been googling and the fact that it's starting to be irregular might mean it's the start peri menopause which might mean I have missed my chance anyway ..feel a bit sad about it

[acapellagirl]

I know everyone is different but at 40 the majority of women have a few years of childbearing left.

[acapellagirl]

I speak as someone who is quite pro only children but I still think your chances of having another child are high if you want one given the number of 40 plus women I know who've become mums! That said I think having an only can be great - confidence from having to handle situations alone is imo the best bit about being an only but this of course can apply to some sibling children too good luck with whatever you decide!

[AmyGardner]

Not quite the same as we have two children already ( really sorry if that's insensitive) but I always secretly hoped for a third although age and finances were against us.

Then missed a period and, like you, was relieved when the test was negative.

Then howled like a baby when DH got the all clear after his vasectomy.

I think it's an extremely hard phase of our lives to let go of, and for me it was never cut and dried until, suddenly, it was. Then I resolved it in my mind after a few weeks.

This is not a helpful answer is it? I just wanted to say that I recognise all of your emotions, you're not alone in the complexity of it.

[Fortunatepiggy]

Thanks for responses.Glad others feel the same. I am driving myself mad trying to make a decision!

[Pennyfitzgerald91]

I felt the same, i felt like I was driving myself mad. But now I have pretty much convinced myself that we are stopping at one child. And I have been doing some research about one child families. However I am 26yrs old, never say never x

[SaltySeaBird]

I was on the fence about having a second DC. Part of me wanted DC1 to have a sibling (both me and DH from large, close families) but part of me felt too old (39) and that it would be too disruptive.

When I got a positive test result when we weren't really trying I felt a bit of panic and shock about it being the right thing to do. This lasted the whole pregnancy.

It was 100% the best thing I ever did. DC2 is an absolute delight, the relationship with DC1 is so fun and touching to see and our family feels totally complete now. I have no urge or even thought of a third, was totally happy for DH to have a vasectomy and it just feels right to me.

Had the pregnancy test been negative I'd have felt relief - it wouldn't have been a barometer of it being right / me not wanting a second. Just relief of not having the decision made and the fear of change.

[Fortunatepiggy]

Thanks salty

Yes I think a lot of it was panic and change. How old was your dc1 when your second was born?

[SaltySeaBird]

DC1 was 3.5 when DC2 was born. We had been talking about a second since she was a year old and went through spells of thinking about a second and also a lot of thinking that things were perfect with one and that we were too old.

[Fortunatepiggy]

Thanks salty


Food for thought!
Xx

[Fortunatepiggy]

Will sit down and discuss with dh next week

[Fortunatepiggy]

So I'm pretty sure that we will stay with one and not have another. Dh says he is a bit sad at the thought of what if and we will prob always have a bit of regret but I think it's the right decision for us

[JessiCake]

Hello Fortunatepiggy! Apart from the fact you have a DS and I have a DD our situations are identical!!

I am the same age as you and my DD is the same age as your DS (1 month younger is all)

I've spent most of the past 4 years going back and forth and driving myself nuts. You can probably search for my old posts on this board about it though a few are under an old name!

We have just one specific difference which is that my DH has a disability which, though highly unlikely to be genetic, has impacted on my decision to stick with one. It would just make coping with two children quite a lot harder than just coping with one - I know 2 kids ARE harder than one for many others too but it's just practical stuff for us because of his disability that would make 2 more of an issue. Not impossible by any means, but our lives will just stay a lot calmer and more manageable with one child.

But other than that - which isn't a reason that a lot of people would add to their reasons for not having a second, as it's not like we physically CAN'T have another child because of his disability or anything - I'm exactly like you!

I love our lives with DD. I love being able to give her the attention she wants (she wants a LOT of attention - she is just one of those children and in fact I have come to the conclusion that a sibling wouldn't 'teach' her to share me more - she is a MASSIVE hogger of attention and I honestly think would suffer quite badly not just in the short term with a sibling taking attention off her. This would be the case if she was a second or a third child, I am pretty sure. She's just a needy, sensitive sort!!) I love having a bit of spare cash for a holiday, which we wouldn't have with a second. I love not having to move house, making my DH's commute longer so that we see less of him as a family. I love being 3.

BUT I worry that I will regret it when it's too late (it may already be!) and I worry about not 'giving her' a sibling.

The latter, I have realised, is a lot down to societal pressure - I have lost count of the amount of people, nicely and not-so-nicely, who have told me that it is a mistake not to try for a sibling for DD.

Mostly though I have this horrible unspoken fear of her being alone in the world when we are dead and gone.

But I recognise how irrational this is, in many ways. I once did a bit of a count-up of the people in my life who are a) close to their adult siblings and have great relationships with them b) love their adult siblings but are chalk and cheese and don't really see each other or see eye to eye and c) loathe their adults siblings and have fallen out with them irrevocably. Maybe it's just the people I know but I seem to remember it ended up about 25 percent a, 50 percent b and 25 percent c.

So from my own limited research (!) a 25% chance of DD either adoring her sibling and having a pal for life or loathing them and wishing they'd never been born... the numbers stacked up for me.

I am in camp b. I like my siblings as people (though my sister was vile to me until we were adults, she's OK now) but we aren't close. My DH too - he and his brother get on fine mostly but they're total opposites and would never 'be' there for each other more than their respective friends or partners would.

What I REALLY long for, I guess, and would wave a magic wand if I could, is for my precious DD one day to have a wonderful caring partner and if she wants also a much-loved child or two or three or however many she wants of her own. I want her to have a family in that regard, and though obviously providing her with a sibling MIGHT give her a companion for life right now as opposed to some non-existent wand waving that I cannot control at all, what I really wish and pray for her is not to be lonely, to have (a) good relationship(s). Part of me does sometimes wonder, from the things friends have said, if this understandable urge to 'provide a sibling' is a kind of magical thinking of its own - people's desperate wish to give their child a happy and companionable future after they've gone.

Does that make sense to you at all?? Rambling a bit sorry.

What I'm really trying to say is that while of course I will never really know if I have made 'the right' decision, I have certainly not stumbled blindly into this decision - quite the opposite - and our reasons are myriad. My DH, like yours, is happy with one but I guess would agree to try for another if I really wanted it.

Do please PM me if you'd like to talk more!

Good luck with your decision, whichever way it goes for you!!

[Mrstumbletap]

I ❤️ your post jessecake

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi Jessicake

Thanks for your post. All your reasons resonate with me too.. apart from your dh disability .. Sorry to hear that.. it must be tough

I am 90 percent sure we should stick with one and we are so very lucky with my ds and should count our blessings but then I think what if...

I am hoping some emotion will kick in shortly so I can decide either way as I am now annoying myself!

If only I was a bit younger I could wait and see but it really is now or never which is stressing me out!

Have you definitely decided? I totally understand the worry about another child inheriting dh disability. I worry that another roll of the dice might mean that even if we are successful in having another we might end up with a child with health issues too and that is definitely a big factor in my decision

My parents wanted more but couldn't and they always say that they got everything they wanted in me anyway which is sweet! However I'm struggling with this decision because it's a voluntary decision not an enforced one and I really hope I make the right one!

[JessiCake]

Hi Fortunate

Yep, I think we are pretty much 99% decided.

Which basically means 100%, really, it's just that I can't QUITE admit to myself that I'll never be pregnant and have a small baby again!!

Like you, if I was 10 years younger I would just be saying that I was putting the decision on the back-burner for another 5 years or so. But really, I feel that this is last-chance saloon. I know there are many many woman who have babies into their early 40s but realistically it's not for me. I feel pretty young but the reality is I don't want to be having a child that's only just into adulthood when I'm 60. I already have huge regret that I left it so long to try for DD as I just want as much time with her as humanly possible!

I 100% agree with you that it's tough when it's a voluntary decision. Not in any way saying it's not awful to have the pain of 2ndary infertility and the choice being taken away from you. That is its own, huge and sometimes agonising issue. But yes, I agree that CHOOSING to only have one does feel a huge burden of a decision to make, if you look at it the way you and are are obvioulsy sometimes doing (providing a sibling, basically).

But that said, I think it's really important to feel, in that case, like at least you HAVE chosen, and not just accidentally sleep-walked into not trying for another. DH really anoyed me about a year ago when he wouldn't get down to brass tacks and discuss this issue and I had to explain to him how, as time was ticking for me, it really felt important to make the decision and then own it, rather than just wake up in 5 years time at 45 and feel devastated that we hadn't really ever made a decision and now it's too late... I'm not sure men feel that urgency in the same way, though. Or maybe it's just DH!

fwiw, re the last line of your post, I'm not sure there is 'a' right decision. I think, like most big things in life, there are pros and cons either way, and it's all about mitigating and teaching our chidlren how to roll with the punches of whatever hand life deals them.

I know many many 'perfect' families of 2 kids btw where there is terrible unhappiness because of, mostly, a bad marriage. Or a messy divorce, where the (perfect number of 2) children's lives are thrown into sickening chaos because of their parents' decisions. Obviously unhappy marriage and divorce can happen in 1 child families too, but I think it's important to remember (and, one day maybe, to explain to our kids) that a family with more than 1 child is NOT neccesarily a better or happier unit than a family with 1. Not just because of sibling relationships which, as I said in my earlier post, can in reality be fraught or non-existent. But just because family lives can be complicated and marred by so many unforeseen circumstances and terrible parental behaviours...

I had 2 siblings. My dad had an affair with my mum's best friend and left us all. IN my particular case having my siblings wasn't a massive source of support at the time but that's because we have a (frankly) terrible mother who made the whole thing about her and gave not one iota of time to think about how her children might be feeling. Had I had no siblings, that would have been the same. I just had shitty parents, unfortunately.

My goal is to not be a shitty parent to my only DD! Well, I'm trying anyway!!

And, as I said earlier, I just desperately desperately want for her to have great relationships in life (in a way that I, apart from my DH, thanks to my dysfunctional upbringing, have never had) and please God too one day a wonderful partner.

I think those 'small' decisions that I will have to make to a) be a good parent and b) teach her the value of good relationships are of far more inportance in the long run than the 'big' decision of whether or not to 'give her' a sibling.

Does that make any sense??!!

I sound v rational here... of course, sometimes late at night I just lie in bed staring into the darkness worrying about how it will feel for her when we're gone and she has 'no-one'... sob!!! I'm doing my best, though. And I'm a bloody good mum, if I say so myself Far better than many mums with more kids. Far better than I MYSELF would be with more kids - I'm an awesome mum of one but my God i know my limits...

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi jessicake

You sound like a great mum! I'm sure your dd will be very happy as an only. I certainly was

I too wish we had had ds at least 5 years earlier. I put it off to focus on my career but I've realised that your career takes a massive hit when you have kids no matter what age you are!

I know what you mean about not sleep walking into a decision. I feel like I might subconsciously be guilty of this.. put it off long enough and then the decision will be made for me and I won't have to take responsibility!

[Graceflorrick]

I've experienced secondary infertility and was really sad about my inability to have another, until recently. Last month I was so happy that my period had arrived.

I've got a new job, we've been on a great holiday that wouldn't have been possible with a baby and I feel really happy in my life.

Time is a healer.

[BusyEvenForBee]

I am in swinging decision mode as well. Being 37 and with ds10 life is pretty much settled. But every time I look at babies/toddlers now I want to have another one. Maybe because I would be more relaxed now and enjoy the early years more. DH is happy either way. What makes me think as well, a few years back my mother had a heart problem and the issue was dealt between me and brother. There are 5 years between us and we do have strong bond. And to be honest I am not sure how I would cope by myself with support and decisions when our parents are concerned. Which makes me think that in this aspect ds is on his own in decision making. The reasons to stay as we are pretty much the same: to have healthy baby at my age, finance (at the moment we can enjoy nice holidays, ds is in private education), chaos in the household (do not have to worry about keeping it child friendly now), child care. I was watching a documentary yesterday about 10 4 years olds spending time in retirement home interacting with 10 pensioners. They wanted to see the impact on old people. It was only part 1, but it was amazing to see what difference those little kids were making to adults. And that got me thinking again! Will be watching part 2, but am sure the result will be fantastic! Apologies, long post, trying to get my head together. Again!

[Fortunatepiggy]

I'm going to watch that series busy it looks good

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hope I can get to your position grace!