"when are you having another one?" Aaaargh!

[yorkshapudding]

I really need some advice.

My DD has recently turned three and all of a sudden, everywhere I go, people have started asking me "so when are you having another?"..not "if", bloody "when", like it's compulsory

The truth is, we always thought we'd have two or three. But ever since DD was born I've been waiting for the broodiness and longing for another to hit me and it just hasn't happened. Same for DH. We haven't completely ruled out having another but we aren't sure it's what we want either and we've both agreed that we're not ready to make that decision right now. We're a very happy unit of three and sometimes I think that if there wasn't this insane social pressure to have more than one child, we might not consider it at all.

The thing is, if I tell people we haven't decided yet they seem to take that as a cue to try to persuade me into having another, usually by trotting out tedious generalisations about only children, most of which I know to be bullshit because I am an only child myself. Or they say something along the lines of "well don't take too long to make your mind up or it might never happen", which is equally unhelpful. I'm aware that fertility is a time sensitive issue of course but I don't want to be panicked into having a baby I'm not sure I definitely want. I'm 32 so I'm not a spring chicken but I'm not desperately worried about my biological clock either.

So, how do I shut down the questions (which make me feel defensive and uncomfortable) without being rude? And how do I not let it get to me and make me doubt myself? I know, I know I could just tell them to mind their own business but there are some situations (e.g if it's someone I know in a professional capacity) where it's not advisable.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Wellhellothere1]

I know what you mean. I have been fielding these questions for six years since my DS was born (they started within one week of his birth!) I knew as soon as I had my DS that we wouldn't have any more due to many, many reasons and I started off answering these questions by listing all these reasons off to people. Some of these reasons are really personal like fertility, husband's medical issues and the like but I thought if I told people about them they would understand. It didn't work! They thought of something for every reason.
I then started being more vocal about the benefits of only one child to people asking me this question in the vain hope I could try and quash 60 plus years of only child stereotypes and generalisations. That didn't work either
I think the best way to answer these questions-because people will always ask, is to be vague and say 'yes that would be nice, I'm not sure , shrug of shoulders' or similar. It's the only way to stop people launching in to telling you why you must have another.
I'm heartened by the fact you are an only child (such a patronising description of an adult isn't it?) and seem happy with this.

[Somersetlady]

Just look them in the eye and say "are you always this insensitive to women of childbearing age who could be suffering from fertility problems?"

[yorkshapudding]

Thank you both for your replies.

Somersetlady, I would love to! There are some situations though where it's not that easy. For example, had DH's Christmas do recently and his Boss's wife started on about it. DH was very apologetic afterwards and I know he would have understood if I'd gotten visibly irritated with her but it also would have put him in a very difficult position at work.

Wellhello, will definitely give your strategy of being vague and non-commital a go and see if that helps. Can confirm I am absolutely fine with not having siblings myself, never felt I was missing out and it's just not something I thought about at all growing up. I only really became aware that I should have been "weird", "lonely", "spoilt" etc etc as a child when I had my own DD and people started trotting out those "only child" clichés. The significance of being an 'only' just wasn't on my radar at all prior to that..thinking about it I expect this is because my parents have always been so secure and not at all anxious about it.

[Wellhellothere1]

That's good to know york
I'll try and link to a recent thread discussing this. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2783064-Aibu-to-respond-like-this-when-asked-when-Im-having-a-second-child

[BobbieDog]

I had this for 4 years after dd. It got very tiring tbh but im afraid that when you have two children people constantly ask you when your having a 3rd so having one more wont stop people from asking.

It does make me mad though!

[yorkshapudding]

im afraid that when you have two children people constantly ask you when your having a 3rd so having one more wont stop people from asking

How strange. Well, I suppose if that's the case then it just goes to show how important it is not to let social pressure influence these kind of decisions... because it seems whatever you decide it's never good enough for some people!

[HearTheThunderRoar]

It's a total pain, DD is only mainly through choice (similar reasons to you, not longing for that second), however we would have been extremely stretched financially if we had a second and I had a horrific birth so there was some element of circumstance in our decision.

We got constant questions, I laughed it off e.g "DD is enough currently!" or "one day". We did relocate 200 miles when DD was 4 so that did put an end to a lot of questions as we lost touch with people (fellow baby group mums etc). Probably a bit drastic for you though!

It does pass though, when DD was 6 everyone had stopped asking (I was 42 by that point though!).

[Aspiringcatlady]

My DS is turning 9 next month. My DH and I got married earlier this year. Every week I am being asked when I will be having another baby! I have PCOS so struggle to conceive anyway. But I want to be 1 and done. People seem to think you MUST have two. I usually tell them to mind their own business and stop obsessing about what is happening in my womb.

[Mamatallica]

I hate this question, makes me want to cry. I always dreamed of having two or three children but as things turned out, I'm extremely lucky to have the one. I wish people would mind their own business but I have to say it was a lot worse when I was childless and people constantly asked why I didn't have any kids or when I was going to have them, that really did make me cry on several occasions. I really hope my DS won't be a "weird only child" like my DM is but apart from trying to socialise him and teach him to share, there's not much I can do. I guess we just have to develop a thicker skin and not let the nosy bastards get to us. Sometimes I'm tempted to reply with "oh, I had 6 but it got too much so I just kept this one" that should shut them up.

[luckylavender]

I hate this. I'm an only, my mother was an only & I just have the one, now 20. I didn't set out just to have one but that's what worked for us & it's none of anyone else's business. I have good friends who would love to be able to have just one and I know other people frankly who shouldn't have ever had children.

[Moodybint]

Someone actually told me I was cruel as I don't

[Moodybint]

Someone actually told me I was cruel as I don't want a second child. I explained it's better than being dead, as I nearly died in child birth. Hence my decision not to have another.

It's none of anyone's business. Its incredibly rude of them to even ask.

[user1486499646]

I get this and when you say NEVER its oh you will have one soon no we wont yes you will arrh go away

[OatmealMum]

I always wonder why is it that they think people should have at least two children... Although I think it's like Bobbiedog said: having one more won't stop people from asking.

I think easiest way to get away from that question is to be vague and tell them you'll see.

Personally I hope I had a good answer prepared for those situations. Like "where did they tell we have to have two?" Or "When will you have your next one?"

I get irritated even by the thought of this question. I think people should be considerate enough not to ask this.

[squizita]

Someone actually told me I was cruel as I don't want a second child

Me too. I was like "but I have a 90% chance of miscarriage, it's unlikely".
They were like "so why did you have DD then?"

Hmm. So, I have a pregnancy that works out viable, I'm Catholic and I want a child ... do I abort the fetus because other people are obsessed with sibling families. Idiots.

I have also had "what would you do if DD died though, you wouldn't have another to fall back on". Like every other person is a spare! A second best!