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Can't decide if we want an only child, it's making feel really miserable

(20 Posts)
Candygirl39 Tue 02-Aug-16 18:46:00

We have a gorgeous girl who's 3 soon. I miscarried our first baby at 10wks which was heartbreaking as we had a 8wk scan and saw the heartbeat. I fell pregnant again 6wks later and had a very straightforward pregnancy and labour, luckily. We struggled as any new parents do but she settled at 11wks into a sleep routine and as a Sahm I really enjoyed being with her all the time. We discovered at 11 months though she had health problems and had to have a lower body cast for 4 months. It was a really difficult time but she's amazing and coped so well. She has yearly reviews now and is looking positive. We thought we would just have one child after everything but I waiver every day and just don't know what to do. Oh is happy either way but leans towards 1 as it's easy with her, she's very laid back and takes thing in her stride. She's at nursery 1 morning a week and will do her allowance from September, starting school next year. I'm looking forward to time to get things done in that time, if that isn't horrible to say?
I still have all her baby stuff, I tried selling bits but I constantly change my mind on whether we should have more. I want to declutter and feel certain but I can't. I want to enjoy my time with her but my thoughts are always on should we have more?? When we go out now she is desperate for a playmate and approaches other children, chatting away to them! She's amazing with other babies and is so gentle. I know she'd be an incredible big sister. I've just turned 40 but feel healthy and financially we'd be ok either way. May I ask how you came to the decision of having one child, if that's not too personal? Thanks smile

1Potato2 Tue 02-Aug-16 20:16:48

Sorry to play devil's advocate, but if you are obsessing about whether to have another, maybe you're not 'done'?

I can only speak for myself, but your post sounds like the types of things that went through my head. I obsessed about it every day. I ended up having another. I don't regret it.

Ultimately only you can know what you want though.

Dandelionandfizz Tue 02-Aug-16 20:24:18

I don't think you'd ever regret a child whereas you may regret not having another.

If your period was late and you took and test what would you actually want to see?

It's really only you that can decide but I have a close friend who was in the same position and now regrets only having one.

That said I intend to keep my family as a one child family. But I have luxury of being young with plenty of time to change my mind.

MaybeDoctor Tue 02-Aug-16 20:39:32

If you were 30 I would say take a bit longer to make up your mind.

As you are 40, if you menstruate regularly/get positive OPKs, I would suggest that you get an AMH test done at a private clinic - this test shows your ovarian reserve and will give you an idea of how feasible it might be to have another child. Remember there is no test for egg quality and all sorts of reasons why a fertilised egg might not implant.

I think that knowing how likely a pregnancy would be might be a short cut to helping you to feel happy about your decisions.

Needmorewine Sun 07-Aug-16 19:21:40

I think as a previous poster has said if you are constantly thinking about it then it implies you aren't "done". I have been obsessing about having "just the one" since DD was born and have felt much happier since DH and I have had a frank discussion & agreed to try for number two in a couple of years . Life with one is very tempting as I think there are so many positives to it but ultimately if you are hanging on to baby things etc I think that implies you should at least give it a try?

AgentJ Sun 07-Aug-16 19:32:58

Have one. You, and she, won't regret it.

user1466795981 Sun 07-Aug-16 19:55:52

To be honest I've met excellent people from all family sizes - from only children to children from 'average' sized families - 2/3, to children from MUCH larger than the average UK family. My comment may or may not help, but I guess what I'm trying to say is - worry not, whichever decision you make will be the right one.

Fortunatepiggy Fri 05-May-17 03:59:54

I feel the same op. Did you make a decision?

fiftyplustwo Fri 05-May-17 04:14:08

I have no siblings and no cousins. It's not all that great. Makes you feel a bit disconnected not to have any (living) relatives. I didn't notice when I was little, as the older generation was still around (grannies and all that) but then everybody died off.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 11-May-17 14:43:40

Why don't you just go with the flow? Stop using contraception & see where that takes you? Or does nobody ever do this? That's what me & DH did. We both did want more, though. At least that way, if it happens, fantastic, and if it doesn't, you won't later regret "not trying".

missanony Thu 11-May-17 14:56:39

You sound as though you want more to me. It's a scary leap though!

Fortunatepiggy Sat 13-May-17 11:34:51

I've been told you wont regret another but you might regret not having another when it's too late

Fortunatepiggy Sun 14-May-17 08:21:33

I am petrified of making the wrong decision and then regrettting it though!

BooseysMom Fri 11-Aug-17 22:36:41

Hi Candy, sorry to hear of the issues you've had. I had DS at 41. I was never sure i wanted any at all. DS is now 3 and a half and we have been trying half heartedly for a second DC for 2 years ..we're always so tired so haven't been trying properly. We've just got thru the terrible 2 - 3 tantrums and have found it all totally knackering being older parents (well i have but DH is desperate for another!) but i don't think we'd find it easy 2nd time round..we can't afford it for one thing. I'm so worried about stuff going wrong now i'm old. I wish so much we had tried earlier and harder but 2 MCs put me off trying at first. Now i worry about DS being an only and having no one later in life but then even if he had siblings they might not get on ..there's no guarantees ..and he'd hopefully have a partner. Alot of families just don't get on or stay in touch.
Anyway i'd say just relax and see what happens. It can still happen at 40. I was that age when i got preg with DS and it was a great pregnancy. If you have another you'd cope and it sounds like your DD would be a great big sister smile. I can't quite bring myself to get rid of DS's clothes and that's a sign i still haven't given up..but at 45 i know its very unlikely not going to happen. At 40 it can however and it will be fantastic! Good luck x

mistlethrush Fri 11-Aug-17 22:43:41

We were aiming for a family of 2. DS took 6 yrs to arrive - inc a m/c and chemo for a molar pregnancy prior to him. 2 further mc afterwards - each with the worry of the molar pregnancy recurring meant that we stopped trying... the MC were bad enough but being in limbo afterwards for 3 or 4 months worrying...

But it's fine having an only, once you get past the point at which people keep asking when you're 'giving them' a sibling etc...

kitkat321 Sat 12-Aug-17 00:03:58

I could have written this myself. My dd is almost 3 and I'm torn between just having the one and having a very comfortable life where I actually get some me time again or diving back into it and juggling with two.

I didn't love the maternity leave bit - at first it was ok but I found it dull and repetitive but loved spending time with dd.

I'm back at work full time in a demanding and well paying job so I don't have the luxury of going part time as the bread winner.

My worry about having another is the additional stress of juggling two - DD is a fab wee girl but a lot of work - no behavioural issues just a full on wee girl and by the end of the day me and DH are both knackered.

Like you, I've struggled with mc - 2 before DD was born then another when she turned 2.

We've decided to just see what happens - I stopped using contraception in April but haven't conceived yet whereas with the last 4 pregnancies I fell pregnant right away.

I think seeing so many other people with 2 even though it seems a handful put pressure on - that and my worry that dd will be lonely and resent us for not giving her a sibling especially when she doesn't have any cousins yet.

It is a very hard one when you are on the fence sad

OkPedro Sat 12-Aug-17 00:07:59

I don't agree.. it is absolutely possible to regret having a child.

I have two dc, I adore them both BUT if I'd known then what I know now.. I would have only had one dc.

kitkat321 Sat 12-Aug-17 00:13:32

That's very honest of you @OKPedro - I've never heard anyone admit that before and it is refreshing!

OkPedro Sat 12-Aug-17 00:28:13

I imagine a lot of people feel the same kitkat
It doesn't mean I love my 2nd dc any less than my first.
I had so many "issues" during my pregnancy with 2nd dc and after they were born.
I always thought I'd have more than 2 children. I was a teenager then and hadn't got a clue of the reality 😅

Fortunatepiggy Tue 15-Aug-17 16:58:30

Thanks for the honest replies.. food for thought.. are you any closer to a decision candy girl?

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