second pregnancy has caused partner to threaten to leave

[Sinclair123]

My partner says he will leave me and cease contact with our one year old daughter if I go ahead with the pregnancy. He always made it clear that he only wanted one, although he told me after the first one that he had been told that he prob couldn't have children anyway due to epididymitis. It's a rocky relationship but we love each other. I would love a sibling for our 14 month daughter. I can afford to me on my own and have family support but I don't know what to do. Any advice welcome...thank you.

[OhMakeMeOver]

Tough situation.

But... HE should also be taking full responsibility for the consequences of having sex. A lot of people get told they can't have kids, women also, but they are never 100% true. Women end up pregnant after they've been told they can't, and still handle the consequences whatever they decide to do.

How can he stop seeing your DD because your pregnant? That's heartless and immature. He can't force you to do anything. He is willing to neglect his responsibility of DD if you continue. Sounds like he's cutting his nose off to spite his face, to be honest - what exactly would he get from that? It's disgusting attitude.

A lo of women continue with pregnancies whether they expected it or not, unplanned or not. They still carry on. There is never any guarantee how many kids anyone will have in life, but when it happens you grow the fuck up and get on with it!

He can't leave you and your DD just because he doesn't want a second, that's ridiculous. Ugh, men that drop all their responsibilities because things don't go their way!

I don't have much advice, I'm afraid but it winds me up when men can make such a snap decision when women, who do also have a choice, are left with a much bigger decision to make that can effect you either way, it's a harder choice to make.

What would happen if you walked out on your DD? She would be left on her own, would she, or would he step up?

Sounds like he's manipulating you to have things his way. You do what you want with this pregnancy, if he can't be adult enough to accept these things happen, then really it's his loss if he's cold-hearted enough to leave you and his DD.

It's always expected that women pick up the pieces while men can walk away like nothing happened and have the life they want, no strings attached.

He really needs to fucking grow up! Does he not care about his DD or something? Cruel man.

I really hope he sees sense.

(Sorry. Long post - I was left while pregnant by my son's dad, so it grates on me!)

[Sinclair123]

Really appreciate that, thank you for taking the time to reply

[petalsandstars]

The damage caused by his words would actually be the start of the end for me. If he's the type to say that he'll abandon your DD then I'll wager he's got other man child characteristics too. Or does he pull his weight with childcare/ housework /finances?

[spanisharmada]

Emotional blackmail is cruel at anytime, but to try and use it under these circumstances is despicable.

I would suggest to him that if his relationship with DD is so tenuous he would consider severing it under any circumstances, then he really should do you all a favour and leave now.

Don't let him bully you. I hope he steps up and supports you and DD whatever happens.

[Sinclair123]

Thank you - he does work hard with DIY in the house, loves his shooting, and is deep down a kind chap, but admits being controlling with women and would hurt himself to prove a point.... I'm away at the moment on a course and he's looking after our little girl, so I'm hoping spending time alone with her will help him reflect. He knows I'm on a course dinner tonight so hopefully he might miss me too ...

[Boosiehs]

I'm sorry but he sounds like a total dick.

It takes 2 to tango and he is utterly irresponsible if he has these feelings and continues to have sex.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He's not a good person or a good dad. Could you ever forgive him if you terminated. A wanted pregnancy? He's controlling and emotionally abusive. Just ignore the twat and have the baby if yo want it.

[Sinclair123]

Thank you everybody - my first experience of mumsnet, it's so supportive!

[expatinscotland]

'but admits being controlling with women and would hurt himself to prove a point...'

Sinclair, this is more red flags than a Maoist convention. This person is trying to emotionally bully you into have a medical procedure on your body that you do not want. If he did not want any more children he should have taken steps to prevent that. He did not. And now he wants you to bear the brunt.

Anyone who uses these kinds of tactics on his/her pregnant partner is not a good person but an emotionally abusive one.

Focus on you for once, just now and not on him or his feelings or his missing you or his threats. Because he made his decision when he did not take steps to prevent himself impregnating someone.

And if you can afford to live on your own and you have family help, you have a lot of choices here.

This man is not a good partner, by his own admission. And be prepared, he will try it on with the 'I'm going to kill myself if you don't do what I want.'

People like this never do and you know what? He is an adult who is responsible for himself. You are not.