Want a 2nd child but no luck. Struggling around friends with number 2 and 3

[fairy26]

Hello everyone,

I have a 3.5 year old little boy and have been ttc number 2 for 17 months. We have had 1 early miscarriage but otherwise, nothing. I am finding it increasingly difficult around some of my friends who have DC1 the same age as my little boy. They all (now without exception) have a second child and in some cases third, in fact now friends who had their first child over a year after me are now starting to fall pregnant.

I am very happy for all of them and love their addditional little ones, but I find myself getting upset by some of their remarks when they complain about juggling their children, or how they are fed of with being pregnant, want to go out and get drunk etc! They don't want to go through labour and sleepless nights, I just want to say I would give anything to be in that situation. I know it is all natural for them to say those things, and I am aware I will have said similar things in front of people who might well be ttc number 1. I don't say anything, just go home, have a whinge to DH and a sob and get back on with it.

However recently now our first children are getting older and going to preschool. I have been along to a couple of coffee mornings when the older kids have been at preschool and been acutely aware I am the only person sitting there without a second or third child. Whilst it is fantastic to drink my coffee uninterrupted I find myself sitting there thinking about my situation. As the smaller ones are there the conversations go on to things like weaning, routines etc and whilst I contribute with my own experiences it is just hard.

Do any of you feel like this? I don't want to draw away from my friends as I do love them and their children, it is just that I find it difficult to spend time with them without it upsetting me. I am just not sure how to handle it and I find that whilst I can talk to my friends about anything, I just can't talk to them about this as there is nothing they can do. It is all my issue!

Anyone got any suggestions of ways that have helped them deal with similar feelings and situations?

Thanks for reading

[AMumInScotland]

I think how you could deal with it with actual friends is maybe different from how you deal with it with people you just chat to at preschool. You need to think about which people you actually count as your friends, then say something to one or two of them. Keep it fairly light if you want, but they are only being insensitive because they haven't thought about your situation or the fact that you're unhappy about it. So just a passing comment of "Wish I had your problems. Just no sign of it happening for us though." Add a small sigh or a tight-lipped smile, then move on to another subject. Hopefully you'll have notched up a tiny little lightbulb in their brain that you'd like another and are having to deal with your disappointment, and they'll think a little before whinging next time.

It's not about expecting them to do anything that helps, but if they are genuinely your friends then they should respect your feelings (disappointment) just as much as you respect theirs (happiness, and a right to whinge about minor things).

For preschool etc, I think you just have to keep sucking it up. But allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's a kind of grief, and you get through it eventually, but you may always have lingering regrets that something you expected/hoped for didn't come to pass. Allow yourself to acknowledge it to yourself and others, and look for ways to be happy about the rest of life.

[Notinmykitchen]

I can't really offer much advice on what you can do, but I sort of know how you feel. I have a 4 year old DS, and after about 18 months of TTC a second, have had no joy. I work full time, so don't really get chance to mix with other Mum's so have been spared the direct comparisons you are having, it must be hard! I am currently trying to find other activities to distract me from dwelling on what I don't have, which works some of the time!

Is there any way you can meet up with these friends in the evenings sometimes, so they can get out, and have some time out from the babies, and you don't feel like the odd one out so much? Sorry, I know that's probably not a lot of help!

[anniewoo]

Do try Acupuncture.

[philbee]

fairy - I am in exactly the same position as you. TTCing since last Jan, one mc last year at 12 weeks and then nothing. My DD is also 3.5. We know one family with one child and everyone else, including four sets of neighbours, has two, and in some the second is now 2.

I have also found it hard, and my solution has been to cut out those that I felt I couldn't be honest with, and to see people on their own. I do get invites to meet up with friends in pairs, but where they are both pg or both have young babies I just say no and arrange sthn individually. Tbh, once they get past a year or so the conversation stops being so baby centric, so if you can tough it out or distance yourself until then it might get easier. I've been lucky that my friends have had no 2 all at different times, so never a large group of babies, which I would have found v difficult.

I guess the other thing that's helped me is doing more work, volunteering etc. I've got involved in things away from the mum and baby scene while my DD is at preschool, which I find a big relief. Do you have any time to do that sort of thing?

I'm sorry. It is very hard. I've recently realised that a lot of my upset is to do with feeling judged or pitied, and so am trying to accept that this is just who I am, and that we are very happy as three, even though we'd like another. That does seem to be helping. We've started testing now as well - will you do that, do you think?

[topbannana]

I'm so glad I found this thread as it is almost as if I am the one writing!
My DS is 7 and in not DH's. I had always wanted one child but over time I began to feel that I would like another, a child that was "ours" IYSWIM (that should really say that I want US to have a child, I do not simply want two children by any means)
Its not that DS is not precious but DH is older than me and I feel that at some stage I may be left alone and, however close DS and DH are, it will not be quite the same as having a part of him :( I also worry that if something should ever happen to DS I will be alone, a morbid thought that I am not normally prone to and which has taken me completely by surprise.
Anyway we have been TTC for the last couple of years but health problems, age, and work have meant it has not happened. I had my first set of blood tests done last week but truthfully, I simply want to know whether it COULD happen or not. If its a not, then I will accept with reasonably good grace and be thankful for what we have, which I know is more than many. At least I can then give up that pathetic monthly rigmarole of "am I, aren't I, am I, oooh I think I may be, no I'm not"
The worst of it is that DH's DiL is due her 3rd baby in a week or so and I am absolutely DREADING it, in fact thats really what bought things to a head and pushed me into visiting my GP. I just cannot see myself buying baby clothes and cooing over the newborn with a completely sincere look on my face, and while I would never want to offend or upset anyone, I have spent the last few months devising devious and inventive ways in which I will not be called upon to visit
I'm not sure if it gets easier, at present I feel that I need to know whether there is a problem or not and then take it from there. At the moment we are considering a deadline to actively TTC and then just allowing nature to take its course. How I feel in the future if it does not happen is a matter of waiting to see really. Fingers crossed to all of you.

[Autumn2014]

i know this is an old thread but it's really helping me to read these posts. I feel exactly the same as the OP.

[Lymmmummy]

I agree autumn - I don't know it's hard - one of DC friends is one of three and god if every time you spend anytime with their mother she doesn't make several references to "oh well of course x would do that he is a typical middle child" or "y isn't worried about going to school - she will be the cool kid because of course she knows lots of the children there through her older brother/sister" crap examples on my behalf but literally any question or remark is always replied to by her with some reference to the children's position in the family or how they love having loads of siblings - it can never be that the child is just that way because they are just that way - the mother always finds a way of making it all about the fact there is 3 of them -and that they are youngest/middle/oldest - got to point I really didn't seek her out as found it quite irritating

As it happens I am from a large family and my opinion is people are just how they are I don't think it's pre ordained by having been born into a particular position in a family

I also know several other mothers of 3 who are not like this - but she is one of the aren't I so clever for having the perfect family type - more like she was lucky to meet her partner young and never encountered any health problems