DS hits at preschool - have I failed him?

[Pullnopunches]

Help. My usually lovely 3 yo DS has been at a preschool for three months now but is struggling to make friends. He is among the youngest in the year. I am now wondering whether I did the right thing only ever having a nanny who he shared with one other child before this. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping him out of institutionalised childcare until he was three. Have now got baby DD who he doesn't hit. But he has been in timeout several times at nursery for pushing and hitting. I have been in to try and identify any little thugs only to discover my child - from what should be the cushiest of backgrounds in our v mixed patch - is the only potential thug. He goes in and acts very boisterously as he wants to get attention of other DCs. He shouts their names and they all ignore him. Already the kids seem to be playing with their own genders but DS loves girls. They have no interest in him and the only other boys there seem to want to play on their own and not with DS. Another child actually told me: 'no one wants to be his friend as he is always naughty'. Feel mortified and have tried but failed to get play dates sorted. Have also noticed a few other children talking about birthday parties which DS has not been invited to. No wonder! Teacher has told me he has trouble socialising and is desperate to make friends. Am torn between being v annoyed at his hitting and feeling desperately sorry for him. Have had stern words at home but not sure whether retrospective punishKent works at his age. I do not want him to be a social pariah. He is very articulate and verbal at home though not keen on drawing. Will he struggle next year at primary? Should I be looking to send him to different school if he has been labelled already by kids or will they forget? I prob sound crazily anxious but want to nip this in bud now x

[BackforGood]

Quite a lot of children struggle to learn how to socialise at first - you need to talk with the staff about how they might help him to learn to play with others. It must be odd for him if he's never been part of a group and all the social intercourse that goes on . The fact he is articulate will help him a lot. He needs to learn how to attract attention without being physical - some children need to be taught this specifically.
No, I agree that there's no point in "punishing" a 3 yr old later for something he's done at Nursery - they must deal with it there.

[Pullnopunches]

thanks BackforGood. If it's normal though, why is he the only one in the class lashing out? He refused to tell us tonight why he did it. Any psychologists or nursery teachers out there? What would be a good united approach - at home and nursery - to deal with this?

Should the nursery teachers be working harder to make him join in nicely with other children or are they frankly, way too busy? Some of them are very hands-on but one or two seem to just be standing around. Should I be staying for sessions or would that be odd for him as he probably behaves differently around me?

[BackforGood]

No, they shouldnt be too busy. This is very much part of their role. All children need to learn to share, learn to be part of a wider group, etc.
Some of the dc will have been there longer. Dc are just ready for things at diffent ages. I dont think you staying should be needed, they should very much be teaching him nice ways to approach others, praising the positive, minmising the attention he gets for the negative, etc.
He probably is 't the only one in the group struggling with his feelings, but the Nursery would only talk yo you about your ds, obviously.

[AlexD72]

You say he is among the youngest in the year. You may find that some of the older children could have had similar issues when they were the youngest. Do they carry out ABC charts at the nursery to try and see if there is a pattern to the behaviour? What happens before during and after an incident?
When you say a "baby" how old is your DD? Could it be a lot of changes and he's lashing out? Sorry about all the questions!
Please try not to worry too much. He's young and he needs support from the teacher who is telling you he is desperate to make friends.

[Starlightbright1]

Is Nanny socialising him? I am a childminder. I make sure my little ones obviously play together but also go to other places where they meet different people.

Yes I would talk to pre school about how they can help. Can Nanny take to parent toddler groups , soft play etc .

Role plays can be useful.