Deciding between an abortion and continuing pregnancy

[powerwordfeel]

Hi mumsnet,

I found out this morning that I'm pregnant, it's unplanned and I'm trying to work out what to do. I'm single, 26 and a PhD student (I have a few years left until I finish). The father is my housemate and best friend and adamantly doesn't want children. I've told him, and he's tried to support me but is very very distressed by the idea that I might not terminate... I've made it clear to him that if I continued the pregnancy I wouldn't expect any support from him and wouldn't put his name on the birth cert. unless he decided he wanted to be involved, but he feels like me keeping the baby would end our friendship.

I've told my mum, dad and sister today - I'm very close to all of them, and they've told me they will support me and love me no matter what I do. My parents have offered that I could live with them if I continued the pregnancy, and they would help me somewhat financially. They are based in London and I live in Scotland with friends (including the father), but that would end if I kept the baby.

I'm such a mess and just don't know what I want. There are so many practical reasons that having an abortion would be the better option. Although my parents will be able to help me financially I don't want to be a burden on them, and my PhD stipend is £14500 tax-free, I have no idea if I could stretch that for me and a baby. Plus, it would become much harder to finish my PhD. My university is pretty flexible with distance working and taking time off, but I have no doubts that studying will be much harder with a baby.

But I love children, and in spite of all the difficulties I can't help but feel like I want this baby. I also don't want to lose my friends though, and the life I have now. I'm visiting my family on Thursday which is good, we'll be able to talk through it all in person and I can get some hugs.


I'm so confused, scared and upset... I'd love advice if anyone has any.

[greenlanes]

A close friend of mine shared the other days that her son and his very very new girlfriend are expecting a baby, she has already dropped out of university and he is having to substantially change his course. We all believe that in their situation a termination would be the best course of action for both of them. They are barely out of teens and seem to be oblivious as to what this will mean for their future lives. Neither has bothered much about working and seem to think that UC and the local council will provide a flat. I am totally for a woman's right to choose, I totally believe that a man should take equal responsibility for contraception. But sometimes it is just better not to bring a baby into the world.

You are older but still have important plans for you and your future. Put yourself first and have a think about what would be best for you. You do still have time to make your decision. I perhaps wouldn't share your news so widely until you are certain what is best for you.

[mumofanonly]

I got pregnant at 19 by someone That was completely uninterested. I aborted because I didn't want to be a single mum and when/if I met someone else later on I wouldn't want my children to have different dad's.

[CherryPlum]

Could you take maternity leave/extension to PhD, and drop your PhD to part-time when ready to return?

[CherryPlum]

I also meant to add, your parents sound lovely and supportive. You might benefit from some space and time away from the housemate/father so that you can think it through from just your own viewpoint.

[powerwordfeel]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm not 100% decided yet, but I think I'm going to abort. I want this baby, but I have so much going on in my life that I don't want to lose, and I don't think I'm ready to be the best mother I can be.

I'm going home to be with my family for a few weeks tomorrow. I'm going to talk everything over with them and take some time to think before I make the final decision.

[Bimgy85]

You will meet this baby later in life.

You won't just be giving birth to a baby, a person for the next 18 years at least. Live out your youth

[K311YLN]

Hi, not sure what the outcome was here but I hope your coping well @powerwordfeel it's hard because everyones different. Some people will say abort and others wont. I'm not going to lie having a baby is hard but is so rewarding at the same time. It is 100% your choice. I know people who have aborted and some regret it very much but others don't really think about it. You just work things out! Work has shifted because of my baby but after the 9 months maternity leave I'm back to where I was 9 months prior, I'm not sure how it will work with your PHD as I'm not really familiar but your famiky seem very supportive either way. I hope you find answers and wish you the best, maybe take time away from your roommate and give yourself time to thjnk by yourself x

[Jadetilly]

I got pregnant and had a termination and rather than help me the guilt and depression I suffered after took a good few years to overcome. Now in a different relationship and at 26 I have a 3YO and started a business only in the last year. Having a baby is harder when you are trying to progress with your own plans BUT you have a supportive family and you should not feel like having a baby is the end of everything because it is the beginning of so much more. I hope that you make the right decision for yourself x

[waterandlemonjuice]

Go for it. My son is nearly 21 and I was like you - I don't regret it at all. You have supportive family, it'll be fine!

[popsanddolls]

I found myself in a similar situation. I did book in for an abortion but ended up not going through with it. My son is now 13 and I managed to complete university. They are extremely helpful with parents in relation to child care. Xx Hope you find the answers your look it for

[Lysistra65]

I do hope you are happy and settled with whatever decision you made. Neither decision is wrong. It is your body and your life. Wishing you all good luck.

[KazDee9]

It would depend on if you are someone who could move on from an abortion, some people can and some can't. When I became pregnant with my 4th I had had enough of babies and my others were older and I was enjoying some freedom again as my family are not helpful at all! I had no desires for a baby at all, it was something I desperately didn't want to go back to. I did book in for an abortion, but I could not go through with it as I know it would of guilted me forever and now he's here I am pleased I didn't. As much as I didn't want another child I was at my quota, I equally couldn't go through an abortion. I know plenty (probably most of my friends actually) of woman who have had abortions and moved on fine from it, I guess it's how you view it in your mind. I will say though, if you're a motivated person, you will manage your studies. My friend did a PhD, with 4 children, on her own! I couldn't, but woman do!

[Mindy2015]

No one can make your decision for you but what I would say is you have your whole life ahead of you an plenty of time to have children in better circumstances. Being a single parent is the hardest thing I have ever done and there is nothing worse that feeling like you failed your child being unable to provide the basic things and opportunities.

Children deserve to be brought up in the best possible way not dragged up.

Good luck xx

[donkeyrace]

You placed your message nearly two months ago so maybe you've already made your decision by now. If you haven't, what came over clearly to me is that your "friend" who is also the child's father, is not behaving in a way which shows he's putting your welfare first. He sounds selfish - don't have an abortion for him whatever you do! You're a grown woman in your 20s, not a teenager, so you are able to think rationally. Your parents have offered to help you. They will obviously love to have a grandchild and the child will grow up in a loving, stable home, He or she will not be the first child to be partly brought up by its grandparents. Finally what about this little boy's or girl's life? They didn't ask to be conceived and abortion is not the quick fix that so many people think it is. It could haunt you for the rest of your life and leave you with feelings of regret and guilt which you cannot imagine at present. There are many women who have been left in that state after an abortion. You have parents who love you and want to help you and a boyfriend who emphatically does not. I know which I'd choose - for my future life and that of my child!

[Angelcd]

If u want to have children then id say keep your baby ,having a abortion my cause problems getting pregnant again.you can still do all you want even if you keep your baby just will be harder & take a bit longer but its still possible. Go with your heart.
Mummy of 5 + 1 baby in heavan x