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SPD Mum Can't Cope With Autistic Son

(22 Posts)
ChannellingFlop Tue 10-Jul-18 18:51:16

I have SPD. I can't deal with my son. He's nearly 2 and he's seen the GP, A SALT and a psychologist. They all think he is autistic. We're on the waiting list for the definitive diagnosis but have begun accessing local services already.

He makes this noise. Alongside his general whinginess and tantrummy crying (he is non-verbal and unable to make his needs known - doesn't point or use his gaze or take our hand and lead us etc) he makes this NOISE. It's like a buzzing grizzle and I cannot cope with it. It enrages me. I want to scream at him. I am going to have to move out. I wear noise cancelling in-ear earphones and try to avoid him as much as possible as we are just destroying each other. He does it SO much. Only doesn't do it when he is locked in to the telly or dashing about in open space or eating or sleeping. Otherwise it's all I hear.

Pease help. I don't want to leave my beloved 4 year old daughter (or my wife especially, although our marriage has deteriorated horribly - started to really suffer when he hit about 6 months.) I've taken a new job that keeps me out of the house as much as I can be and when I'm home, we divide and conquer with chid and home care. I take my girl, she takes the boy. We can't do family stuff as he is a nightmare with the noise. They 3 often go out together but I don't go with them as I often just can't stand being with him. I just dread and hate the noise so much.

It wasn't meant to be like this.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 09:10:37

This might not have been the best board to post this on. Can it be moved to SN Children?

Branleuse Wed 11-Jul-18 09:16:46

I am pretty sure i have spd or asd or both as do my kids and i completely understand that awful feeling of being unable to cope with a noise that your child makes although ive never found any of their stim noises triggering, but my eldest cant eat or drink quietly very easily and i suspect it is partly due to dyspraxia and muscle tone and it makes me feel insane, but thankfully its not all the time. I do find general children noises quite hard if im stressed, but of course theyre my own children so its my responsibility to find a way to deal with it.

Are you on anxiety medication as this can help mellow down your high alert to noises. I would try this as a first point of call

Branleuse Wed 11-Jul-18 09:17:34

I think this is the best place for it because this is about your disability not your childs

LML83 Wed 11-Jul-18 09:21:20

What is SPD?

'My girl' and 'the boy' is very cold. Your wife must be heartbroken if she hears comments like this. I am sure you love your son, and it sounds really tough. Try and make sure she knows you love them all.

Hope someone with advice on noise is here soon.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 10:54:27

LML - it does sound cold. It's pretty fucking bleak all round really.

And it stands for sensory processing disorder. This specific issue stems from misophonia.

It's awful for all of us. Our family life is in ruins.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 10:55:14

Branleuse - thank you for your empathy.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 10:55:56

I am on anxiety meds. And I am 6 sessions in to psychotherapy.

reeldoop Wed 11-Jul-18 11:00:04

2 and 4 are hard ages for any family, never mind one dealing with autism as well. Nothing helpful to add really, just to hang on in there. Things will improve from this low point I think once the children get older and your son is properly in the system and you can access help and coping strategies.

juneau Wed 11-Jul-18 11:03:47

So you have a DD and your DW has a DS who is probably autistic - is that right - you have a child each? Or did one of you give birth to both DC?

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 11:23:13

Not quite. WE have a boy and a girl. The boy is nearly 2 and the girl is nearly 4.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 11:24:37

Not quite. WE have a boy and a girl. The boy is nearly 2 and the girl is nearly 4. And it really IS tough. Thank you.

ChannellingFlop Wed 11-Jul-18 11:26:39

Pfft. Silly phone.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 30-Jul-18 23:31:16

oh god, the noise the noise....

yep it is horrendous. it hurts. literally, and no you can not help it.

keep on with the headphones. play to your strenghts as a team. this may mean you taking on stuff you may dislike but not actively hurts that your wife does not like. negotiate tasks. try to do things with/for him in small doses, eg you fetch stuff (gets you out the room) for your wife to use with him. cook him his favourite food, sit with him for a bit when he is not making a noise. do the things you can do with him, learn to manage in small doses if you can. he may grow out of it as he gets older.

sod doing stuff as a family, it does not work for you, leave the idealised version of family life behind. do what you can as a family.

we eat separately, with radio or other noise .

TrueLiesAndAll Mon 30-Jul-18 23:40:49

Yep the noise, both me and one of the dcs really struggle with the constant noise that the youngest dc with asd makes. It has changed over time, well the type of noise now he’s verbal he just never stops talking with the occasional shrieking which is slightly more tolerable

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say you are definitely not the only one struggling with it

IWantMyHatBack Mon 30-Jul-18 23:52:17

Yes, I completely understand. I have ASD, and my youngest made a grating whining eeeerrhhhhhh noise for about a year. Its how he asked for things/demanded things. It would get louder and louder and felt like it was drilling into my brain.

He did eventually stop it, once he could talk (which took a while).

I feel your pain.

PickAChew Tue 31-Jul-18 00:17:13

Ds2's shrieky phases have actually damaged my hearing :/ like a pp he's a very late talker and now never shuts up. And his voice is on the cusp of breaking, so I'm dreading him finding the ability to bellow.

MumUnderTheMoon Wed 22-Aug-18 20:44:15

I have asd and associated spd there are noises that my daughter (who is also autistic) makes noises which drive me to distraction. If your son has asd and you have sensory issues then you may have to find a way to accept that it is best for you to exist next to each other rather than with each other. I recognise that this sounds cold but it is how my daughter and I live and it works for us both. Find things that you can do togeather. This may be difficult now but as he gets older you could watch movies togeather or sit next to each other at a table both with headphones on listening to music or watching device but both colouring in or building Duplo. Let yourself off the hook.

Geneticsbunny Wed 22-Aug-18 20:53:05

That sounds horrendous. He may do it less as he grows older (hopefully). Can you ask for some respite care for your son at the weekends so you can spend time as a family with your wife and dd?

doublerainbows Wed 22-Aug-18 20:58:59

Is there any time he doesn't make this noise? I was thinking in the bath maybe? Is there a distractor you can use? This is where ipads/tablets can and do come into their own. How does he react to play dough, paint, music, white noise? It sounds like he is sensory seeking and so, there has to be another way to fill that need which doesn't disable you. Contact your local Face book group, see if someone on there has any more ideas. Contact NAS - they are amazing and may well have your answer. What about the GP for an OT sensory assessment for DS - explain the impact the noise is having on you -this is urgent.
It is unbelievably tough being a parent, but I suspect it is harder still to be your DS. Let us know if anything works. Come tell us when it is hard. This is what Mumsnet is for.

Ariclock Wed 29-Aug-18 17:31:23

That sounds really tough to deal with op. Poor you and your wife flowers can you get some respite care from family/ friends to get a break away together?

lululatetotheparty Wed 31-Jul-19 21:22:31

There's some excellent advice here... it looks like I have ASD (I have a pre-diagnosis) and have a DS with ADHD and probably ASD. Unfortunately I didn't know that I was probably ASD before I had my son and have struggled with managing my response to some of his behaviors and sounds.... sadly to the point where it affected my (physical) health. I now realise that the only way to navigate this is to stop trying to beat myself up for failing to be the parent I would like to be but instead develop some techniques along the the lines that MumUnderTheMoon is suggestion (thanks for that post!). I think your self-knowledge and understanding of the problem is the biggest hurdle... which you have already overcome. I hope you find some solutions... it will be trial and error but please put your health and wellbeing first together with your marriage as parenting (especially with the demands SEN makes of us) is a marathon and not a sprint...

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