Small talk - being able to "perform"

[LastnightaDJ]

Hi
I've never been diagnosed with anything but a lot of the asd traits ring a bell with me. One thing that I have always discounted is the "difficulty with small talk" element. Now I would say I was actually quite good at small talk... BUT. It is a complete"act". I feel like a different person when I do it and am exhausted afterwards. I would really much rather launch into a philosophical/moral/political ie "serious" discussion about stuff but I deliberately hold back and go in the opposite direction because I know people don't like that (generally!) Sometimes though, after merrily chatting inconsequentially for a while, with everyone laughing etc, I slip up and say something quite sardonic or critical, or heading in the more serious/analytical direction, and I kill the conversation dead... Then I spend ages berating myself about doing this and get quite down.
Anyone relate?

[AVirginLitTheCandle]

I think being able to perform and put on an act is something a lot of women with ASD relate to tbh. So I wouldn't rule out the possibility of ASD just based on being able to put on an act alone.

I struggle with small talk to the point where I can't even put on an act. The best I can usually do is nod my head and throw the occasional "right" and "okay". I'm sure people just think I'm ignorant

Hope this all makes sense. I feel very tired and my thoughts are all over the place

[LastnightaDJ]

Thanks a lot. It's good to feel less alone talking on here. Difficult to speak about it in RL. In your case, ime, lots of folk are totally self absorbed so maybe they don't have a big issue with it. I am ok at the time but as I said often will doubt self after.

[SukiTheDog]

I’m like you. My “act” includes mirroring the nuances of those I’m communicating with. As a child, I was praised for my mimicry. Actually, I was just very astute, watched, learnt and conformed to the social norms...”fitted in” (to the best of my ability).

Ten years ago, I asked my gp about being assessed for asd. He wouldn’t. In 2017, I asked again (different gp) and was referred. I have been assessed and have high functioning autism, my actual diagnosis is Aspergers. I’m now 55. I was a nurse for 26 years. Married twice. Have a son of 17 who was diagnosed aged 4 with classic autism.

I CAN socialise but it’s exhausting. I choose to walk for hours with the dog and DH; I meet up with one of two friends I’ve had for years, from time to time and always enjoy it but then without their input, ten years could go by before I’d think “I must get in touch”. My dog walking friends are chit chat and that’s hard. I have been known to avoid walking at a certain time if I’m just not up to that chitchat.

Girls/women present differently to males.

[Nikephorus]

without their input, ten years could go by before I’d think “I must get in touch”. My dog walking friends are chit chat and that’s hard. I have been known to avoid walking at a certain time if I’m just not up to that chitchat.
I often think 'I must get in touch' but then remember how much of an effort it feels like in the run up to the meet and the desire to meet disappears! And I'm the same on the dog-walking chit-chat - I'll wander round with people if I must for my dog's sake but often I'll head in the opposite direction if I see them because I just cant face the interaction.

[Strigiformes]

I find small talk really difficult and also struggle with eye contact which makes me very self conscious. It's my anxiety that's the main problem though. If I'm comfortable with the person I'm not too bad but if it's a stranger I'm terrible!

[StandardPoodle]

I've lost touch with many people as I don't make contact - for me, once a year meetings would be plenty. Also empathise completely with the difficulty of social chit-chat and the sheer exhaustion afterwards.
And yes, the best dog walks are with DH alone or just me and the dogs - I too often take evasive action to avoid interaction and breathe a sigh of relief when there's no-one in sight.