one Angel one monster(7 Posts)
Hi all, I'm really struggling and after abit of advice/ support ( no one at home understands)
I have 10m DCDA boys, one (Lucas) is an angel, sleeps through, plays happily with toys alone etc the other (Connor) is so clingy and demanding, I love both my boys so much but feel I favour Connor as he demands more and crys all the time, will only sleep in my arms too, feel so useless and that failing as a mum.
Tries talking to family and OH but they just say I'm doing fine and it's obvious from looking at them! I know they mean well but I feel like I'm drowning
I know that feeling! I have ID boys (now 2.5 years old) F was high maintenance from the moment he was born, far more clingy, always demanded food first, woke more often at night etc. DH and I had a Moses basket on each side and I had F on my side and felt far closer to him because he was so clingy that I spent far more time with him. Fast forward to present day I would probably rather spend the day alone with T as his is far more relaxed and easy going much more of a pleasure to be around (not that I would admit this in real life)! I think you have to do the best that you can do every day, I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job!
Dcda girls and one has always been easy going and generally pleasant to be around, the other is hard work. She tantrums more, resists everything, more difficult when it comes to food, generally everything!
They are 3 and a half now and its still the same.
I'm glad I'm not the only one, not that I'm glad you girls feel this way too, just feel so guilty sometimes it's torturing me
I remember guilt was one of my overriding emotions of their early months too. Guilt guilt guilt. Making sure they have the same amount of eye contact, carrying and cuddles, conversation and singing and stimulation. You can't split yourself in two.
You can only do your best, that is all you can do. Just keep on doing your best. One day, you will look and that will be a big comfort to you. Hopefully one day your inner voice will start being kinder to you and you will look at your boys and see that your OH is right and they are flourishing. IT WILL HAPPEN.
I had a sleep fighter and a slightly more mellow one. Be glad you have a mellow boy, take advantage of that as he won't be noticing that his brother is sleeping with you/whatever, and go with the flow with the other using whatever sleep training methods suit you and him. Holding Connor as much as he needs until he gets more confident. They are different people and each will have different issues as they grow up. Connor's pulling you now, make sure that OH can take Connor so you can have one on one with Lucas at other times. At some point you can start to explain that they take turns for special time with mummy if Lucas is still not as demanding as Connor...you will figure it out.
Please be easy on yourself, it really is very very hard. I think twins are the funniest things now and really a (hilarious) gift, but it took me soooo long to get round to this feeling.
My two were like this. One always slept well, other thought it was for losers and would not be put down ever! Many times I had the fleeting "wouldn't it be easy if we only had DT1..." thought followed by guilt/tears for having thought it. You can't stop yourself having these thoughts but try to go easy on yourself. Counteract with the following thoughts:
1) The fact that you treat them the same and they have such different temperaments just shows they have different personalities and there's really nothing you can do to change that. It's certainly not a reflection on your parenting skills.
2) Responding to their differing needs doesn't mean you are treating them unfairly.
3) Everything is a phase - the easy/difficult twin role will swap at some point maybe many times.
Thanks everyone! I feel abit better knowing that feeling guilty isn't something horribly wrong that makes me a bad mummy and that I need to realise that all I can do is my best and in the long run they will know mummy loves them both so much regardless of how often I cuddle each one xx
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