MIL rant

[Prettylittlesunflower]

DP and I were together for 10 years before we had a child... relationship with in laws was polite but I felt I couldn’t be myself around them due to be from a different nationality.
That changed with pregnancy. Because I had a rough pregnancy, where I was constantly sick, visits were kept to a minimum and they showed little interest for my bump. Due to my DD being born with a birth defect we ( or should I say I!!) were on a strict routine for the first 6 months. In laws visited every week ( taking turns between our house and their) but apart from cuddles, refused to change nappies or give her a bottle, didn’t wanted to attend baby groups and so on. After DD operation, things changed... all of a sudden they wanted more contact, but on their own terms ( either 11am or 5pm which are the times they have a coffee break). Not once in 17 months I was asked about DD routine so every time they turn up at those times and DD was either asleep or feeding I would get a remark from MIL. Going out with them feels like torture because it can only be to places she approves. Last straw came when after having a poorly baby for a couple of days ( including a GP visit ) and dealing with sleep deprivation, MiL arrived to take DD for a walk. I told her no and explained the reason but she grabbed DD and seeked DP to try and overruled me on that decision. MIL’s mantra is ‘ I know best!’. I feel I don’t want my DD around her in case that behaviour rubbes off or worst case scenario she undermines her head. When spoken to , MIL blamed it on the different cultures and insinuated that being in England I should behave the English way. DP has been utterly useless in all of this as he feels that his loyalty shouldn’t be questioned. Am I being unreasonable in trying to keep contact to a minimum?

[Rejuvenate20]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Unfortunately, when we are polite/too polite, some people see this as permission to get away with rude behaviour.

It's good that you are setting boundaries with your in laws. It was very rude of your MIL to undermine you like that. She is showing a lack of respect. You are the mother. You know your DD best. Your MIL sounds very controlling. DP needs to support you and show them that he supports you.

You are right to limit contact until they can be trusted to behave in a respectful manner.

[DelphiniumBlue]

I'm not clear exactly what MiL has done wrong here? Why wouldn't you want her to take the baby for a walk? They've visited regularly, cuddled the baby, OK would have been nice if they'd changed a nappy, but other than that?
And wh y would they be asking about the baby's routine? Lots of people don't have a routine - it might not occur to them. I wouldn't expect them to go to baby groups, in fact it would be weird to me if they did.
What I'm saying is everyone is different, and it's best not to assume that your way is the one that every one knows about.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Delphinium if the mother of the baby said she would rather you didn’t take the baby for a walk as they had been ill, would you still demand that you were going to take the baby for a walk?

[strawberrylipgloss]

YANBU to minimize contact. It is not the "English Way" whatever that means for MILs to turn up randomly to take baby for a walk.

Personally I'm surprised that you see her so much. I'd be telling your h that he can take baby to see her once a week or whatever and manage MIL in between visits. I think that you run the risk of your dd seeing you with MIL and thinking that it's ok to bully you too.

Some of your complaints are strange- why would she ask about routines and change nappies if you're there? However it's bizarre to randomly turn up and insist on taking your dd for a walk. Normal people would phone you and say that they fancy a walk with dd. Could they come round and take her for an hour? Most people have manners so don't do the "Granny knows best" routine. She's had her kids and a chance to learn things. Now it's your time.