Is my anger runing my marriage?

[amItooangry]

I posted this is relationships, but thought you might be able to give some different perspectives on the cultural expectations? Thanks




I have been married 6 years and have DS aged 2. Last night DH came home at 3.30am (pretty usual for him) and we argued about everything and for the first time talked about splitting up.

His main concern is that I am too angry with him and it is affecting DS. I do feel angry most of the time, but tbh I feel quite justified in this and don't show it in front of DS.

We have lots of issues, exhaustion, shift work, money problems (and related trust issues) plus his family obligations (he is from Africa) and never really get a chance to work through all of this.

I am worried that surpressing this anger/upset is damaging my emotional and physical health and that he is trying to minimise my feelings and our problems by saying "well, if you could just stop getting angry, everything would be ok".

I feel that he really just wants a quiet life, with no confrontation and doesn't mind if I am seething inside, just as long as it doesn't affect him.

Any advice appreciated thanks

[savoycabbage]

Well most people want a life without confrontation with their partner. So I don't blame him for that!

Why is he out at that time? What time does he finish work? My BIL works till about midnight and sometimes he comes home after that and sometimes he goes out with his friends. It's just going out after work, like sometimes my dh goes out after work. But my BIL is out till 4am rather than 11pm. It doesn't bother my sister in the slightest, it's because of his hours that he has to do this. He goes to the gym and to tesco and all sorts in the muddle of the night.

Wherever his family? Here or there? Does he support them financially?

[amItooangry]

He works odd shifts, so often weekends and evenings so is quite used to unusual hours. He is usually out with friends or at family gatherings which start late at around 1am.

The problem I have with this is that then he is too tired to look after DS or spend any time with us either as a couple or a family.

He has family here and in Africa, there seem to be enough extended family in the UK that he could/should be out every night (in his view). He has provided financial support to his family, paying tuition fees for his younger brother for example which he couldn't afford. He was close to bankruptcy (and a breakdown) about 6 months ago, when he finally told me about it.

[savoycabbage]

I wouldn't like it if my dh was going out every night. Perhaps he thinks it doesn't matter as you would be asleep anyway. My dh cones home from work between 6.30 and 7 and my dc go to bed at about 7.30.

Then he sees them in the morning for about half an hour. They get up between 7 and 7.30 and he leaves the house at 7.55. So on average he sees them for an hour a day during the week and all day Saturday and Sunday. It's not like he can be taking them to school or to the park during the week.

[amItooangry]

If he is on night shift he normally sees DS for a couple of hours in the morning before taking him to the CM, while I am at work. He has every third weekend off and usually goes out either Friday or Saturday night (sometimes both) until maybe 3 or 4am. This means he doesn't get up till 11am at the weekend and then usually watches football or motor racing in the afternoon.

I go out after work, maybe once every 6 weeks not usually later than 10pm.

[savoycabbage]

Ok, so you need to find when in your week you can spend time together as a family. Like my sister and her dh and dcs all have dinner together at 4pm before my BIL goes to work. It's not ideal but it's all they have. If your dh and ds are spending a couple of hours together every day that's quite a lot really. More than us

What does he say when you say you want to spend more time together?

[amItooangry]

Thanks - we just went all together for lunch which was nice, but due to shift patterns he is only off every third weekend. When he is onl night shift he leaves before I get home from work and then I leave as soon as he is back in the morning. When he is on day shift he gets home around 8.30pm and usually falls asleep on the sofa by 9pm

He doesn't see spending time together as a priority because in is culture it is less emphasis on couples and more on extended family.

[royaljelly]

Hi. I think you should try and sit him down and explain how you are feeling about the lack of time spent together. This may or may not work. I would also advise a trip to your local GP. I was having a lot of stress about my previous job and money trouble etc. and I experienced periods of 'pure rage' and panic attacks esp. when doing the food shop and thinking that my card would be declined.

Thankfully my partner did eventually come to me and say that the reason he was late home / often out was because I had become unreasonable and so angry / tearful all the time and he didn't know how to handle it.

I talked it over with my GP and was diagnosed with depression (something she herself had experienced), I was unwilling to admit to this at first but after a couple of months on anti -depressants and a good re-evaluation of my life I turned it around.

I used to think that things like this happened to other people and depression was a pseudo - ailment. Having experienced it myself I know how uncontrollable your anger must feel at times.

I believe many women take the 'stiff upper lip' approach to things and tend to bottle up all their anxiety over money, kids etc. Your partner doesn't have to know about your GP's visit, and you don't have to take super strong tablets that will send you to Lala land; Even just talking to someone who is impartial can be a form of release.

Good luck.

[Sarahmarie2505]

I am in the same boat! My partner of 8 yrs also from Africa is now officially doing my head in! His family/friends constantly asking him
For money ! We expecting 3rd child end of July and I work full time aswell and could really do with help getting stuff for baby and stuff my the older two's birthdays but no his money is his and his families sod me and kids! He watches football all weekend ! Never wants to go out as a family uses the excuse that he is tired bla bla he finished work at 2pm everyday! FFs try being 29 weeks pregnant love and working 2 jobs ! I'm seriously close to saying u no what mate I wanna b on my own I've had it ! I've tried talking to him but again I think in their culture they dnt really talk about problems and to be honest he is really selfish and only does what he wants to do and that is that ! I hate it !

[Tryharder]

My husband is Gambian so I understand where you are coming from.

So many mixed marriages break up precisely because of this difference in expectations. Here in Europe, marriage is a partnership, couples spend time together with their kids... In Africa it is often so different, men spend time with their friends and siblings etc without question. African wives often have their own families and domestic setups so they aren't bothered.

Your husband is right - getting angry or making demands will not work. Have you considered marriage counselling African style? Is there an elder or imam that your DH trusts here who could mediate between the 2 of you? The trick here is compromise with you each making concessions and giving into the others wishes.

Sorry, I'm on the iPad and it's difficult to type fluently.

Only you can decide after all if your DH is worth the flack.