Coping with miscarriage

[popsy1]

Hello. I am very new to this but felt i needed some support and advise. i lost my baby boy at 19 weeks following an amnio 3 months ago and i feel my whole life has fell apart. We had given up trying for another baby after 8 years of being unsuccessful. I am now having further tests etc to try n see if we can conceive again. To top all thus my best friend of 20yrs told me 4wks after losing my baby she is pregnant. I cant see her. Please can anyone help. x

[detoxdiva]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I have no personal experience of such a late loss of pg (I had a mc at 12 weeks last year) but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Hoping someone with more experience will be along shortly. Wishing you all the best for the future and ttc again.

[BagPuss71]

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I haven't lost a baby so late in pregnancy and I can't imagine how that feels but my story may help. I had IVF to concieve my DS, now four, after eight years of trying. I was so happy to have him and after everything we had been through we decided to settle for just the one. When he was two I discovered I was pregnant! We were over the moon. I started to have a bit of bleeding and I had an early scan - it was twins!!! A dream come true. I was totally devastated though when I miscarried one at six weeks and one at eight weeks. Could it be anymore cruel? I was totally numb. It took me about a year to recover from the trauma of that and even to this day, two and half years later, I remember, it will never leave me. Exaclty a year later I was pregnant again - and I miscarried this one at 7 weeks. For some reason it was easier to deal with that time. I was determined not to be dragged down againI just resigned myself to having one and to be happy with my lot, many weren't as lucky. Three months later I was pregnant again and this time all was well and I have now been blessed with a lovely DD, now six months old.

Many people who don't know my story have said to me since the birth of my DD 'Aren't you lucky?' And of course I am. I am very aware of that. But it took 12 years of heartache to get here and many many times I thought I never would. Try to be kind to yourself, you've had a terrible experience. Don't give up, your turn will come, hope this helps xx

[Amberc]

I feel for you - I have just posted as my sister is just going through the same thing. My post natal thread have been amazing as many of them have been through a miscarriage, a couple of whom have done so late on like you. They have talked about how wonderful the charity SANDS is. I have already got my sister to call them. Please get in touch www.uk-sands.org

[QueenLizTheFirstOfScotland]

I'm so sorry, popsy. It is heartbreaking, and feels like you can never be happy again, but in time you will find a way to make peace with losing your wee boy. SANDS is, as amber says, great, as are people here.

There's no right or wrong way to deal with this. My sister was pregnant when we lost dd1 - I couldn't talk to her for months, which must have been so hard for her, but she was great and patient, as was my lovely friend who was just pregnant when dd1 died.

Keep talking, and grieve in the way you need to, for as long as you need to. There will be better days ahead.

[popsy1]

Thank you for everyone who replied. It helps just knowing i am not going mad! I am not used to all the abbreviations sorry. With virtually giving up hope of another baby, becoming pregnant was like a miracle to us and losing him seems so unfair. It has opened up a whole load of old wounds plus created new ones. x

[Daynee]

popsy I am very sorry for your loss...and at a time when you probably thought everything would be smooth sailing...It's so rare after 12 weeks. Do you know the cause?

Reading these posts I simply can't imagine trying for 8 years or more. I really don't think I could do that. It's been 2 years for me, 3 mc's (all around 6 weeks), no children, and already it seems like it's been an eternity of heartache. I don't understand how it could take so long unless you didn't seek treatment right away? I honestly think after 3 years with no success, I'll be throwing in the towel and adopting....So, here's to a good year!

I also do not like talking to friends who are pregnant or one that just had a baby. I didn't even look at the pics she emailed. I am so apathetic toward many things these days, so it isn't just those people who are preggers - it's pretty much everyone except my family and dh. I am just sort of in a anti-social mode lately, although there are those nights I do meet up with people. They are rare but at least I'm getting there. So, give yourself time and you'll pull out. Do you have any children? Also - wine and food and horror movies always make me happy.

[brokensole]

popsy-i am so sorry for your loss. i can relate to not wanting to see anyone who is pregnant. I was pregnant the same time my 2 best friends and sister in law and I miscarried (have had a total of 3 m/c). It may not seem like it now but it will get easier with wanting to be around them. I know how you feel it is not that you are not happy for them/her, you just feel deeply saddened by your loss and it will take everything in you that you have left to be excited for her right now. So don't feel bad for the way you are feeling you are hurting and you will heal with time.
All the best

[popsy1]

Loosing my baby was due to an infection caused by an amnio. Although the doctors briefly told us about a risk of miscarriage they played it down. Even to the point when i was told " not to worry, you'll be fine!" just before and again after the amnio.
In response to Daynee. Yes we have a teenage son, who is also desperately sad at loosing his baby brother. We had told him years before that we could not have any more children. So he was thrilled when we managed to conceive. We had tried to conceive again when our son was 4. This turned out to be unsuccessful. We had many tests, medication scans etc and after 3 years i couldn't continue. It was far too stressful. My husband did not want to adopt, so we decided to be grateful we had our son (which we are)although i always felt our family was incomplete. So for 8 years we believed we were unable to get pg again. I feel desperately sad for those of you who do not have children yet.Good luck to you Daynee and everyone else.
Re. my friend, my feelings change all the time. I shock myself by how severe they are. I haven't seen her for almost 2months, she texts my son which annoys me. I think she has given up with me. She doesn't seem to know the right things to say. How can she get things so wrong? Last time we spoke(7wks ago) she said how tired she feels, how worried she is of getting fat and how she isn't in control of her body!!! I was furious!!! She isnt all bad i suppose, i am just very bitter and panicking the longer i leave it the harder it will get.
How long was it before you were able to see pregnant friends again? She has asked us to be god parents as well! I just don't know what to do.Just wish things were so different for us all. I ask myself all the time, what did i do so wrong to deserve this???

[Lainey1975]

Hi everyone I am relatively new to this site. I would like to give my condolences to everyone that is going through the pain and sadness of a miscarriage. I myself am going through the same thing, I went for my 10 week scan 2 weeks ago only to be told to come back 2 weeks later as the doctors couldn't work out what was going on. 2 weeks later (Tues 12th may) I had ultrasound & an internal, I was told that there had been some change in the size of the yolk sac, infact it had got smaller. My pregnancy had failed @ around week 6. I was told a D&C is not an option as it is too small and the risks outweigh the benefits, so now I'm just waiting for nature to take its course. I am scared and don't know what to expect, as the hospital didn't really give me any answers. I have also been wondering why this happened to me? I feel for everyone who is going through the same thing

[brendafig]

Hi everyone, I had a D&C on 2 days ago following a missed miscarriage at 13 weesk 6 days. I work in a place where we provide lots of support for pregnancy and parenting and I just don't want to be around them all. My friend is due to have her baby any day, as is my boss, and my neighbour has just told me she is pregnant. I am so jealous and will have to go through all the fake smiles etc, but I know they just don't quite understand what I am feeling at the moment. I hope they don't get offended when I don't want to hold their babies just yet.

I know I will eventually feel better and this is totally normal (I hope anyway) and readying other posts I feel at least I'm not alone!

Popsy and everyone else who has posted, I hope you all feel better soon - and big hugs and loves to you all.

[brokensole]

Popsy- for me it was about a month. I realized that they do not understand all the emotions we go through when we miscarry. One only understands if they have gone through it. Your friend is just experiencing all the "normal" things that might happen to her throughout her pregnancy like gaining weight and being tired. And right now you are in a place that you just lost your baby so I understand that you would give anything to be in her place right and would gladly gain weight and be tired all the time. I am sure she is not saying these things to purposely upset you. If you are true friends then you should talk to her about how you are feeling and how you are trying to cope with the loss of your baby and maybe she will be more sensitive to your feelings. She obviously cares a great deal about you to ask you to be god parents. I promise the time will come that you will be able to be genuinely happy for her. Make sure you do some soul searching before you throw away your friendship as it is friends who can be there for us when we are ready to start healing.

[popsy1]

Thank you brokensole i am sure you are right and she doesn't mean to be hurtful. I suppose I'm just super sensitive. I thought i would be able to handle pg women by now. It doesn't seem to be getting any better. As i said previously the longer i leave it with my friend the harder it is. I avnt seen any scan photos, or seen her to talk to for ages. I don't see any change in me wanting to see her either. I am such a wreck. I just hide away and pray i don't bump into her. We are going going to the hospital again for fertility treatment AGAIN. She doesn't know anything about any of it and i know its my fault. How can i move forward?
I am sorry to moan on again to you all. My due date is fast approaching and i am just a mess.

[Daynee]

popsy - I'm right next to you on the crazy train...I got a BFN today (5 days before period) but am going to test every damn morning until either I get a BFP or my period comes. And I feel like such a waste lately - I really don't want to hang out with anyone except for my dh, dog, and cats! Leave me be at home cooking in the kitchen and I'm fine. I don't know what it is...I think I'm just depressed and also I don't want to talk to others about their babies and kids anymore (at least not right now).

I don't know what to do -- I feel lost in a world where time goes too fast and then it doesn't go fast enough and I'm drowning or melting or something and I can't be happy until this happens for me...

[brokensole]

Popsy- I can't tell you personally how to move forward, everyone deals with this in their own way. I felt extremely devastated and hopeless too, I am only 29, my Mom just passed away(she was only 59 and she was my best-friend) and shortly after she passed away I had my 3rd miscarriage. I too was a wreck and wondered what did I do to deserve this but I soon realized that despite how I was feeling inside I could not change what happened and I could either focus on the negative and sad feelings and again the outcome with the pg loss was the same or I could put one foot in front of the other and strive to be a stronger person. I know this is something that is not easy, but for me I was driving myself crazy and I needed to brake free and start enjoying life again with my friends and family. After all it was not their fault that I lost my baby, so why should I shut them out and I needed them to be there for me, to help me through this difficult time. I still have my days and I know that it is ok for me to be sad and have a moment, but then I pick myself back up and carry on with life. I hope you can find the strength in you to move on with your life as life is too short and we never know how much time we have left. I wish you all the best and much happiness and healing in the near future.

[popsy1]

Hello all. sorry i haven't replied earlier. I have been feeling very low recently and every time i wrote it was all so negative. Thank you for all your comments. I really hope i can pull myself out of this.Can someone fill me in on the abbreviations please BFP DD DH etc etc ?
We have had our hospital appointment and i've had a hycosy, which thankfully there isn't any damage. So we are just waiting for my next period or a positive pg test next week. Fingers crossed. I can't explain why, but i have been desperate to be pg before my due date, not to replace or forget my baby boy, and this is our last chance before the due date.
I have been very panicky about social situations and only feel ok with my husband. Has anyone else felt like this?
SEnding you all lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way x

[Amarilis]

Hi there

Just read all your posts - it's comforting to know there are people out there who feel a bit like I do but also, I haven't been through anything like some of you have and I am humbled.. Popsy - I hope you feel stronger soon.. And Daynee I sooooo get how you feel - I feel the same.

Abbreviations are under the 'useful stuff' at the top I think.. BFP is big fat positive, DD is darling daughter, DH is Darling Husband, etc etc.

My story is as follows... Started TTC back in July last year, DH was away in August and September,so we tried in October and fell... I was totally and utterly thrilled. We both were.

I was booked for my 12 week scan on the 12th December 08 but started bleeding on the 8th, to be confirmed as a miscarriage in hospital 2 days later.

Totally and utterly devestated, I decided that the only way to get over it was to try again straight away.. I have used OPK's ever since and we have tried every month at the right time (apart from Feb when DH was away again) and no joy.... I am getting totally beside myself and don't know what to do. It's all I want - to be a Mum. I have no other goal or aim in life and it's killing me. I will be 31 in March next year and time is ticking on.

The saddest thing is that DH can only say 'be positive' or 'it will happen when it's supposed to' or 'our time will come' - I find these statements vacuous, empty, shallow and totally and utterly unhelpful..

Worst still, is that a girl I work closely with at work is approx 14 weeks pg, so I have to sit day after day and watch and listen to her... All my friends have either recently had babies or are pregnant and I am nothing but nice to them all, encouraging and supportive, in the vain hope that if I am a nice person, nice things will happen to me.. The whole 'treat people how you would want to be treated yourself' philosphy.

People who are pregant, haven't become so just to hurt you, and you can't take it out on them.. I do however think they need to show some tact when with people who have lost...

What I hate is that I have become obsessed.. I am only interested in having sex when the time is 'right'... DH is upset by this and thinks that don't 'want' him like I did, and only for baby making purposes... He says he feels used and HATES having to 'perform'...

I never wanted to become this person and on top of my loss and my desperate need to get pregnant, I don't like who I am and my marriage is seriously suffering

I don't know why it's taking so long and I hate the unknown...

[popsy1]

Hello Amarillis how are things with you? I'm sorry things are so hard. I think ttc after mc changes things drastically, our life revolves around dates (as we have to go the fertility route) which adds a massive amount of pressure to any marriage, let alone one where you are still grieving.
Take care of each other

[Mouette]

Oh popsy1 I am so sorry you lost your baby. I'm new to Mumsnet or would have posted earlier. I too had a late miscarriage (at 17 weeks) and was absolutely devastated. In my case it was due to a weak cervix. Like you we had trouble conceiving, I have PCOS and didn't ovulate, had to have an operation to correct the problem, so you can imagine our joy when I got pregnant and after 12 weeks we really thought it would be OK. We had no children and had been trying for 18 months.
In addition my sister in law gave birth 2 weeks after we lost our son.
I was very angry with her and didn't want to see her or her baby, but had to as they're family. Forced myself to go and see them, but kept the visits to a minimum. I had counselling (cognitive behavioural therapy), and that plus the church is what finally got me out of the depression I was falling into.
It was just unspeakably hard. Trying after the miscarriage was stressful, but I found the best thing was to get on with it. I did ovulation tests to find out the right time to try, and we decided we would have 2 kinds of sex: the "trying to conceive" sex and "just for fun", that way our sex life wasn't totally dominated by ttc. Not sure if this will cheer you up or get you down, but I got pregnant again and we now have a beautiful 3 month old son. Do post again, I'd love to chat to you and send you messages of support, I know how hard it is. xx

[popsy1]

It's been a while since I posted & I only seem to post when things are really tough. I have had an awful few days. Family get togethers, all of which my ds should av been a part of. Start of summer hols when we were all supposed to bond as a family. I feel so low about what should of been. I still avnt seen my best friend of 20+ yrs. She's now 7+ months preg. It's killing me, what's she got, plans she's making, what I've missed & what we avnt shared as friends. My son I'd going to visit with my hubby nxt week & i'm so scared he's gunna feel there baby move see the nursery, all the things he never did with his brother. Sorry for going on as I said feeling very low. Jus wish I new when my life will return, when I will return to normal. X

[popsy1]

It's been a while since I posted & I only seem to post when things are really tough. I have had an awful few days. Family get togethers, all of which my ds should av been a part of. Start of summer hols when we were all supposed to bond as a family. I feel so low about what should of been. I still avnt seen my best friend of 20+ yrs. She's now 7+ months preg. It's killing me, what's she got, plans she's making, what I've missed & what we avnt shared as friends. My son I'd going to visit with my hubby nxt week & i'm so scared he's gunna feel there baby move see the nursery, all the things he never did with his brother. Sorry for going on as I said feeling very low. Jus wish I new when my life will return, when I will return to normal. X

[LongtimeinBrussels]

So sorry to read your last post popsy1. I can't think of anything to say to offer you comfort but wanted you to know someone was thinking of you. I had a missed miscarriage with my third pregnancy and I was devastated (quite surprised at how devastated in fact). I think what I found hardest, and reading your last post it seems like you are too, was that all that I had imagined would happen over the following months, years even, was no longer going to happen. It was like I'd not only lost my child but I'd also lost my way. I found the family gettogethers difficult too (especially when there were pregnant women there) and getting past my due date was traumatic. I was very lucky, however, that I'd never had any problems conceiving. My fourth pregnancy did take six months (which seemed like an eternity to me!) but I now have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. I hope that this will happen again for you and soon.

[popsy1]

Thank you for your reply. I'm still feeling low and i cant seem to shake myself out of it. My husband says i need to stop focusing on the negative as its just dragging me down. I know he is right but my head is full of what ifs, should have beens etc. i really miss my friend and i feel she wont have any room left in her life for me or not want me around (when i feel ready) as im so miserable. sorry again for going on.

[LongtimeinBrussels]

No problem popsy1. Is there a professional you can talk to? I don't know how much this will help but it might be worth a try. Whilst it may be true that your husband is right, I know from the months I felt so awful that that's easier said than done. I can understand that it is still too difficult for you to see your friend. How about you send her a letter or card, just to explain how you feel? That way she'll understand why you haven't been in touch and I'm sure she'll find some room for you in her life when you're ready.

[popsy1]

My husband and i went to see a trauma counselor for a few weeks, but she said that i need to deal with the grief before i revisit the trauma. I haven't been back since. My husband has been to see my friend and explained how i feel, she says she'll wait as long as i need. I suppose I'm just feeling extremely insecure about everything and our friendship is one of the many things.

[LongtimeinBrussels]

But surely the grief and the trauma are mixed in together? I don't know how you get over one without the other. Maybe see if you can speak to someone else?

I'm glad your husband spoke to your friend. It's a shame that the one person who could most probably really help you at this time, having been your friend for so long, is the one person you feel you can't see. As for the insecurity thing, I felt so, so insecure about everything and I think that was because I felt like I'd had the rug pulled out from under my feet. I also felt like a failure even though I already had two children and knew the miscarriage wasn't my fault.

I don't know what else to say at this point but I do hope that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.