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How to cope. Late "miscarriage"

(16 Posts)
GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 11:50:36

Yesterday I went for my routine 20 week scan at 20+4 to be told my beautiful boys heart stopped at some point over the last couple of days.

There's no obvious sign as to why. Just that he had a very swollen tummy so they suspect some sort of infection which he was unable to fight.

How can this happen half way into pregnancy. How can I feel him moving around one day, for him to die.

I have to go back to hospital tomorrow to have my labour induced and give birth to him and I'm absolutely, utterly heartbroken. I can't cope and don't feel like this is ever going to get better.

Will I get to see him? I don't even know if I can face it.

I'm dreading facing "the real world" and having everyone's sympathy and asking if I'm ok. I can't do this.

OP’s posts: |
GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 11:54:15

The worst is. Other than giving birth to him is he's a "miscarriage". It's like he didn't even exist.

OP’s posts: |
EyeDrops Wed 04-Mar-20 11:57:58

Oh love. What an unbearable thing to go through. flowersflowers I can't say how, but you will get through this.

EyeDrops Wed 04-Mar-20 11:59:03

(that should be flowers, not teddies!!) I'm sure someone will be along soon with some practical advice and support x

GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 12:04:56

Thank you. I'm just so numb. I think I've ran out of tears

I'm trying to hard to hold it together for my eldest son but I feel like I'm breaking. I just can't handle it

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angel0071987 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:06:00

We had to do this at 18weeks with our girl. Heartbreaking. Especially as put just down hall from normal labour ward and could hear babies crying and when we left there was one getting into lift with us. Not the best setup.
Can only offer hugs and sympathy. Lots of chocolate, biscuits and tlc needed. It does get easier. We now have our rainbow baby.

GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 12:08:09

@angel0071987 did you get any answers? I feel like I NEED to know what happened or what went wrong.

I have so much going through my head at this stage I just don't know how to feel.

I'm already dreading the looks I get when I see people and my bump is gone. I'm just devastated

OP’s posts: |
GreenFrog33 Wed 04-Mar-20 13:52:46

Hi @GreyLamps I am so, so sorry for your loss.
We lost our little boy at 19 weeks late last year after my waters broke early.
You don’t have to see your little one if you don’t want to, it’s completely up to you.
We did decide to meet our baby after I gave birth to him and we gave him a name too. Having those memories has helped us in the months afterwards I think, but everyone is different.
If you decide not to then you could ask the midwife to make handprints for you as a keepsake.
Thinking of you and sending love.

GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 13:55:34

@GreenFrog33 thank you. We have named our boy too, he's had a name since before this whole nightmare started so we wouldn't take it away from him now.

If you don't mind me asking, what was it like seeing a baby of that gestation? It's the fear of the unknown and the fact I'll never get the image out of my head. But I don't want to regret not seeing his little face.

I also want to do something nice for him after but I just don't know how the whole horrific process works

OP’s posts: |
mamansnet Wed 04-Mar-20 14:06:12

So sorry for your loss thanksthanks

GreenFrog33 Wed 04-Mar-20 14:08:09

I don’t mind you asking at all.
He was perfect. Just a tiny baby, our tiny baby.
You can ask your midwife to describe him first if that’s easier?
I was too scared to have him delivered straight into my arms but I asked our wonderful midwife how he looked, she said he was perfect, and then I asked to hold him. I don’t regret it for a second.

DottyandOtty Wed 04-Mar-20 14:20:25

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope you’re surrounded by lots of love and support to help carry you through this.

There won’t be any pressure for you to see him/not see him. It will be completely led by you.

Babies of that gestation look like tiny little babies. Their skin is fragile and often translucent in parts. They’re beautiful though and you’ll be able to see all his tiny perfection - his fingers and toes, lips and maybe some hair. Your midwife can wrap him up for you and then it can be your choice how much of him you want to see. I have looked after women in your position and when they’ve held their babies they’ve had this glowing pride at the perfect little babies they made. I’ve never seen any regret. I hope that helps.

Sending you lots of love.

GreyLamps Wed 04-Mar-20 14:55:14

That's a really good idea - asking for him to be described to me.

My husband doesn't really want to look - but said he will go along with my choices.

I just can't believe this is happening. I'm broken

OP’s posts: |
angel0071987 Wed 04-Mar-20 15:12:58

We had full post-mortem done. Amelia had turners syndrome that was obviously too advanced to be viable. We didn't want to see her or get pictures/footprints but were offered memory box. She had a cremation and is scattered with the other lost babies there in their flowerbed so she can play and won't be alone. They offered that free of charge.

Jade94 Thu 05-Mar-20 22:05:25

I'm so sorry your going through this. It really is the worst pain in the world. We lost our little girl at 19+4 last November. And we also lost a little boy at 13 weeks in april. We didnt know i was expecting with our little boy so it was more shock before the greif. But cause we'd gone past 13 weeks we thought everything would be okay And the scan showed she was fine and then next minute she'd gone. When she was born we found out she'd passed away the week before. We had a full post mortem done but she was born with a true knot so we were expecting that was the cause. But we found out last week that my placenta keeps clotting and that's what's causing them and now things are in place if we do decide to try again. We did have her hand and footprints done and there in her memory box by hers and her brothers ashes on our shelf. Just know that every pain and every thing you feel is normal and do what comforts you. I thought that the anger jealousy not wanting move was me but I found reading the stories on tommys helped and I wasn't the only one who felt like that. And if you ever need a chat or someway to release it all I'm only a message away

Pineappletree33 Thu 05-Mar-20 22:06:51

I’m so sorry flowers

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