I'm 18 yrs old, miscarried 4 months ago - advice please!

[pixiella]

I'm 18 (19 in jan) - and fell pregnant In Feb accidently to my long term partner (will refer to as b.f).
First of all we were very scared as I hadn't even finished college yet and it was a big shock!
I'd always been v.pro choice and not in a rush to have kids at all so my immediate thought was to have an abortion as that is largely 'the done thing' in this society if you get pregnant at my age. And I guess I was programmed to think this was the only choice I had really.

Until my b.f started to say in the long talks we had on the subject, that he thought of a baby as a very precious thing and as a life from the moment of conception basically. He had always been taught these values from his mum who had a miscarriage at 8 months preg. He felt very strongly that abortion was not the right thing to do and he would be incredibly sad about it for a long time. But he said if that was my choice then he would support me and deal with it. He didn't push his views on me..but just explained how he felt and listened to how I felt.

I don't know whether it was hormones, my excruciating love for him or the support and encouragement my parents were offering me but I started to feel very sad when thinking that soon I would be having our baby - whose life we made with our love - sucked out of my womb (sorry if TMI).
The day before my appointment for termination - I knew I couldn't go through with it - i knew i'd regret it for the rest of my life and it'd probably break me and my b.f apart.
My parents were so happy that we had decided to keep the baby (after hours and hours and weeks and weeks of thought put into it) and my b.f was ECSTATIC ! I was scared and overwhelmed but started to get more and more excited and happy about it as the weeks went on - got a bit down about having nausea so bad i couldn't even stand to smell my b.f's aftershave/breath! but still happy.

Then, I miscarried at 10 weeks - I suppose we shouldn't have got our hopes up too early & got all excited... but i didn't really know much about miscarriages - i'd only seen terribly dramatic ones happen in films and assumed they were rare! You don't learn about m/c's in sex education!lol.

The whole experience was v. traumatic for me and my b.f. Also VERY painful for me, had to be put on morphine, it was all very new and scary for me. I felt very much kept in the dark by the doctors...one saying 'you may be having a miscarriage' and another 3 hours later saying 'it's probably just a bit of placental bleeding'. I stayed one night in hospital and then in the morning was due to have a scan to 'see what was going on' - very frustratingly I had the bleeding over a bank holiday wknd so - frantic with worry we had to wait for 4 days until i could get an appointment for a scan to see whether our baby was alive or not...
Anyway the morning of the scan i got out of my hospital bed and a different doctor came to see me and he said 'you're going to have a scan in a minute, but don't worry it's probably going to be fine, we'll just check on the baby and the pregnancy will continue - it's not uncommon to bleed in pregnancy..'
and after a whole night in hospital thinking 'i've lost my baby' and my b.f at home thinking the same...we thought 'oh..right, great! it's gonna be ok!'

Went into the ultrasound scan, she lady was looking for ages..not saying anything...me and my b.f couldn't take our eyes off the screen and then she said ..

"I'm sorry....there's nothing there."

Now the only other time I had ever seen my baby was at about 6 weeks when I had a scan a few days before my termination to confirm my dates. And the radiographer didn't say a word the whole scan except she snapped at me: "i can't tell you just by looking at it if a baby's ok" when i asked 'is everything ok?' (i was actually asking about my reproductive bits cos she seemed to be measuring lots of stuff that wasn't a foetus but w/e!)

Ok so...we were devasted. All my friends are 17/18 so none of them understood really. they were sympathetic for a few days and then never asked me about it again and expected me and b.f to have gotten over it. Of course, soon - everyone knew and everytime i walked into a pub/cafeteria people seemed to be staring at me and i felt so ashamed/useless/broken. Since, I've been even more insecure about my body as my breasts have shrunken to even smaller than they were before I was preg! : ( and my usual washboard abs have a lovely layer of jelly on them now : ( and no baby to show for it !

My b.f - v. depressed also. I finished college and got Distinction,Distinction,Merit - i don't know how I got through my final project with the depression of just having had a m/c!
Felt like crying everytime I saw a baby on TV/pregnant woman. Had indescribable urge to hold a baby. SO confused about why, how, when? Hospital was rubbish at explaining.I felt guilty for not wanting the baby right from the start and even considering abortion!
I felt like I had let everyone down, especially my b.f and 'mum-in-law' and 'sis-in-law' who is 11 and was so excited when she found out she was gonna be an auntie...I felt as if my body was useless when all my friends are flippin' size 8 running around in hotpants and bikinis without a care in the world.

Anyway, 4 months on - me and b.f are stronger than ever. It brought us so much closer together and I know now we can get through anything b/c our love is so strong (cheesy!sorry!). But the depression and sadness has almost gone from day to day feelings (still under the surface though) and is replaced by a feeling of emptyness - like there's something missing in our lives.
We were ready to be parents and had committed ourselves to that and had felt the elation of knowing that your love has made a life that you will nurture together and now things like getting drunk and going to parties, uni, travelling (the student way) seem insignificant and boring.

How can we go back to being normal teenagers and doing the same things as our friends when we've experienced something of this magnitude? I can never go back to the person I was before and neither can b.f. We're lost.

We don't know what to do with our lives now b/c we don't want to plan travelling cos we secretly still want to have a child and I don't want to go to uni because it seems unimportant now ! Our lives are on hold and we don't know how to progress forwards without a 'plan'. We both desperately want a child now - to be young parents and play with our children.

We are obsessed with babies, i almost crashed my car when i was looking at a cute baby on the pavement the other day! We talk about trying again and how amazing it would be to have a baby.. every day and talk about how big I would be now if I were still preg and how great it would be.
For 2 months now we havn't used protection when we have intercourse because we both wish I would get pregnant again and every month when I get my period I am disapointed. This month I really think I might be though....and I feel so happy and more positive and energised than I have all year! My mum said to me 2day 'what are u so happy about all of a sudden?!' when I was dancing around the kitchen with a grin on my face ! lol.

What does everyone think? Advice would be welcomed from people who know what it's like.

xxx * xxx

[sandcastles]

I can't offer a whole lot of advise, but wanted to say that it will get easier. Over time.

Your story rang huge bells, last Dec my neice (18 also) miscarried at 23 weeks. She was having bleeds & pains & was told it was normal & that she was having braxton hicks.

She had a big bleed & her bf called an ambulance. She had her tiny baby only a couple of hours later. Baby was less than 1lb. They was devestated. More so because her mother was pg at the time too & due quite close to when she was.

In Jan they started trying again & I am sooo happy to say that she is 30 weeks pg. They are over the moon. I can only communicate with her via email (am in Oz) but the tone of them is so much lighter, more hopeful & instead of crying for their loss, I cry for all the new happy memories they will share.

When I told my aunt, she said that my neice should do whatever she wanted to do. If she wanted to get on with her studies, she should & if she wanted to try for another baby, she should. I guess I would tell you the same. Do whatever you want to do.

Nothing will replace the baby you lost. Just as nothing will replace my neice's. But if you & your bf want to be parents, then good luck & I hope, like my niece, you are celebrating very soon!

And you are not a failure, I can see how you would think that, but you are not. Unfortunately, these things happen & we can't stop them. But that doesn't mean you are to blame!

[ghosty]

I want to give you just one huge big hug pixiella ... your post has put tears in my eyes ... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Just because you are young does not make the pain any less, surely ...
And for good measure, here's a hug for your boyfriend too {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have to run out of the door but I couldn't read your post without typing something ...

I will be back later with something better to say than just "Oh, you poor darling"

[fillyjonk]

I think having kids young is HARD. I had my first child at 25 (that probably seems VERY old), and still feel I have missed out on a fair bit of stuff.

Its very hard to get a career going later in life and there will be some doors closed permenantly.

Travel, aside from granparents and camping in the UK, is not an option for us.

We are pretty skint,-and dp has a well paid job, as did I prekids.

That said, if you are determined to do it, I think it is something you should do. I don't think its right to just dismiss younger people when they want to do things, just because they are younger. I know some fabulous young parents who are about 100x better than a lot of parents in their 30s.

It is also, of course, possible to do a lot of things when your kids are older. You CAN go back to university etc. It will just be harder.

Your kids will have less stuff, but who cares really. Kids don't need as much stuff as the advertisers would have us believe!

Do make sure your relationship is as secure as possible. Dp and I were together for 5 years before ds was born, and our relationship was excellent. But now, with kids, it is SO hard to find time together, and thats when, IMO, you need to know your dp really well to get through it.

I would pretty much give this advice to anyone thinking of becoming a parent, btw. Kids are very very hard work. Am not just saying this because you are 18.

[pixiella]

Thank you so much for the lovely messages and hugs : ) xxxxxx It's so good to talk to other women about it because my friends can't understand.
I guess I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on too much because I started partying when I was like 12 and have now got a bit bored of small talk at parties, raves, getting wasted etc. I guess I've always been mature for my age and grew up pretty quickly. I've been travelling quite a bit already and would love to go travelling more (safely and kid friendly!) with a little one and my dp because we have had so many adventures together already and his mum and dad toured around europe in a vw camper when he was 0-2 yrs old and they had a great time!
Also the career path that I was planning to take was art/photography so it's pretty much freelance and working from home anyway and dp works full time labouring/landscape gardening and is taking a plastering course soon.
Anyway i'll keep you guys posted on the preg situation! But THANK YOU so much for your comments : D made my day to know that people care about my blabbering lol xxxxx

[pixiella]

sorry - also - thanks for not dismissing my feelings just because im 18 and for being supportive of the idea of having kids young - very open minded, thank you. x

[kindersurprise]

Hi Pixiella,

first, I am very sorry to read about your miscarriage. I know from experience how traumatic it is. I can understand you feeling guilty, but please understand that there was nothing you did or did not do that caused you to lose your baby.

The feeling of emptiness you describe is so familiar to me, it is the loss of your hopes and dreams for the future that is so difficult to bear. Saying that, it does get easier with time, and for me a large part of healing was carrying a baby to term.

My children are now 3 and 5 and are the most important things in my life. I don't think that I would have been a worse mother if I had been 10 years younger when I had them, we would have just done things in a different order. Funny, when I think about it, if I had had children at your age, then the eldest would be almost grown up already.

I don't believe that your life ends when you have children, we still do lots of things that we did before, perhaps not so often. Our holiday next year for example, we are going one week to a appartement in a town, more for ourselves although we will obviously look for things that the DCs will enjoy. The second week of our holidays we will spend on a campsite with big swimming pool and kids activities because the kids will enjoy it.

I hope that the decision you make is the right one for you and your bf, you both sound like very mature and caring people who will make great parents! That is more important than age.

[MsG]

Hi Pixiella,

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had mine 2 and a half months ago and it honestly does get easier, although I'm struggling a bit at the moment because I really wanted to get pregnant again straightaway but haven't.

As others have said, you and your bf sound very mature and very close, and I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do. I can understand why you might feel guilty but you really shouldn't, there was nothing you could have done. I'm sorry the hospital weren't very helpful as well. One thing I found really hard was the lack of support from the hospital - because I guess early miscarriages are pretty common, they don't really view it as a major thing when of course it is when you have to go through it.

There's no reason why you can't be pregnant again soon but even if you're not you have got a lot of time left in which you can have children! So try to bear that in mind and stay positive.

Let us know how you are doing.

xx

[missytrouble]

Hi pixiella.

{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}} big hugs for you both

I am so very sorry for your lost baby. I had a missed m/c last April. I do understand you feeling so empty.

It sounds to me like you will make great parents. I was 35 when dd was born and was classed as an older mother! Now we love doing things together and so will you. I am glad I waited to have children but you have to do what is right for you.

The yearning you have for a child won't go away. So you go for it and good luck!

[daisyandbabybootoo]

Hi pixiella...I'm so sorry for your loss and send you big hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. I lost a baby at 10 weeks as well and was devastated. It took a few months to get myself back on track physically and emotionally I now have a 13 week old DD so be assured that good things do happen.

It is great that you have the support of your lovely boyfriend, who sounds like a star, and of your parents.

like others i couldn't read your OP and not respond.

i found great support on here from women who had been through it as well. There is a great support thread for when you are pregnant, and also for when trying to conceive. I'm sure someone will d a link (typing 1 handed while bf....so can't do it myselof at the mo)

Good Luck for getting pregnant, and rememer ther's no reason why you can't carry on your studies, especially if you have supportive parents.

[fillyjonk]

hi again

just one quick thing. prior to having kids, I was doing a lot of writing, starting to get bits published and so on.

I hoped it would be possible to continue once I had (unplanned) ds. But I really haven't, its been nearly 5 years (had more babies)

I have actually found that my kids utterly sap the creative part of me. It is only now, when my youngest is 2, that I am starting to THINK about doing creative stuff again. I can do mundane, routine stuff, and was able to go back to work in my legally type job, and even get promoted. But creative stuff was HARD.

I find I need time to wind down and get out of practical mummy-mode before I can engage the introspection needed to do creative stuff. I think because with the kids I am having to come up with stuff ALL the time, my brain is exhausted by the god-knows-when that I get free time.

I am NOT trying to put you off. I am being honest. Photography/art might be very different, though I have a friend who is into it who has had a similar experience. And 2 years out isn't really that much, and I am assuming you are doing very creative stuff, rather than say baby photos (which of course pays the bills).

Other people clearly DO have a different experience to me -JK Rowling for example!

Good luck whatever you decide

[pixiella]

thanks fillyjonk for that different perspective - i was worried that might happen aswell! : /

I guess If art/photography is really what I want to do then I'll have to try and find a way to do it no matter what. If it's not...then that will become clear.

Whatever happens it's going to be hard but I just have to make my life what I want it to be...if you know what I mean!

[pixiella]

i said i'd keep you guys updated so,,, don't think i am pregnant now because im having aches which are suspiciously like I usually get just before my period. great. and AF is due on the 9th-11th. So that follows. Dammit. My DP will be so disapointed.
We're doing up a flat and moving into it in October prob. So maybe we'll start trying again after that. I'm not sure. Anyway I think we need to have a chat.
Thanks for all your support. Will report back on when AF arrives ! : ( xxxxx *

[pixiella]

yep defo not pregnant. oh well. once again thanks so much for your messages everyone, see you around mumsnet : ) * ! xxx

[callmeovercautious]

Just wanted to say that my Mum had my sis and me before she was 20. we were very well brought up (even though money was tight for years) and have both done well for ourselves. My mum and dad are now in good careers and have fab holidays without small children in tow. They are living their lives now with the added benefit that they can charge around with our dcs and enjoy them. My DPs parents were 40 when they had DP and are now in their 70s. They struggle to even hold DD who is only 1. I know every one is different and we chose to wait until early 30s for babies but choice is what it is all about and if you choose to have another try please do not feel bad about it in any way. Good parents can be any age.

I wish you the best of luck and am sorry for your loss. Remember it is hard work and you and b.f will need to remember you love each other from time to time.
x