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Where's the light at the end of this tunnel?!?!

(15 Posts)
rmaun1986 Tue 15-Oct-19 16:56:13

Hi all,

I need to hear some positivity. Heck, not positive, because how on earth can pregnancy loss ever be positive. But I need some optimism, some balance, some stories of how things really can work out. And I don't necessarily mean work out because people get their rainbow baby. I can't chase that right now and to be honest, i'm not sure if i ever will because there seems to be so much out of my control but yet the outcome can completely annihilate me...

No, I want to hear of how we can make it through, without chasing the rainbow, or be content with what is now, and, how people have managed to overcome the horrendous anxiety of life this leaves you with, including the fear of future miscarriage. Anything, tbh if you bought a sausage dog today and that has made you happy, please share!

So please, someone, please tell me there's light at the end of this tunnel? Share ANY stories of how you can and do move on with this ?

xxx

OP’s posts: |
LASandOtto Tue 15-Oct-19 17:01:25

I recommend the Calm app. I downloaded it (not free but worth it) and do the mediation sessions on there. Bought a cheap yoga mat, have a quiet corner and it's really relaxing. Helps you live and enjoy the moment again. X

rmaun1986 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:06:02

ah yes @LASandOtto, I have downloaded and had intentions to do some meditation...I am yet to begin. So thank you for the nudge in the right direction x

OP’s posts: |
Notnowokay Tue 15-Oct-19 19:51:54

Are you part of any religion or agnostic? My faith in God helped me. If you are maybe reading religious scriptures could help. Having and knowing you should be 'happy' and 'grateful' didn't help me. But approaching my dh and asking him of his perspective helped me immensely. He described it so well that an image of my son in heaven appeared (in my mind). I could finally picture it and that made me very happy as heaven is better than this earth. That is my experience of course, I still miss him and love him with all my heart. But I'm glad he is in a better place. Which is something I believe without any doubt.

Notnowokay Tue 15-Oct-19 20:00:55

Ps that is not be content with now, but how do you imagine your little one is living like now? Do you believe in souls? Do you think you would meet you child on your deathbed/ afterlife? I'm expecting to meet him and my other dc who I didn't get to hold or know a lot about them as they left to quick. I look forward to meeting them, all of them. To finally hold and see their eyes and smiles. I used to write down how I want/ imagine our meeting again would feel like.

MrsMGE Tue 15-Oct-19 21:54:12

Here's my 10:

1. Talking about things openly (and crying whenever needed - let it all out)
2. Acupuncture, reflexology and holistic therapies
3. Reading a lot, including about dealing with grief
4. Fitness and healthy diet
5. TLC - trying to do at least one thing for me, and only for me, every day, even if just for 10 mins
6. Rediscovering old hobbies and discovering new ones
7. Keeping busy to get distracted
8. Planning holiday and nice events, something to look forward to every month
9. Trying to find something positive in this whole awful situation - eg I've become more compassionate and started volunteering. My whole perception of what matters in life has changed, for better.
10. If what you've been through feels very traumatic to you, do might run away from it. Let yourself live through it, although it will be hard. I've run away from dealing with physical trauma and it's got me few months later - so my no 10 is grief counselling/CBT/whatever you require. Do it, and do it for yourself only, it will help.

Hope this helps 💕

MrsMGE Wed 16-Oct-19 06:32:29

Actually, I forgot to mention the key one - do not put pressure on yourself to do anything. To feel better quickly, to make any decisions, to achieve something by a certain deadline. This isn't a race. Equally, let go of things and people you dislike in your life, it's not the time to be forcing yourself to do stuff that makes you feel more challenging than absolutely needed.

You'll find in time, there is still a lot of laugh and good times to be had, and go with it, don't be afraid to enjoy them ❤️

purplefinch Wed 16-Oct-19 18:46:15

How long has it been for you? I am 2 weeks post D and C (and a month since I had a scan that was inconclusive as baby too small, but I knew dates didn't work out so knew from then really) and I am frustrated that it is taking so long to go back to normal.

I had a day yesterday where I went to work (had been back at work week before that but every day was a struggle!) and felt some happiness (just from being with friendly coworkers (who don't know about everything)), but today it seems to be back to the sadness.

My GP asked to see me today (about bleeding following D and C) and he recommended working on myself to recover from miscarriage - yoga, meditation and he also recommended a TED talk called the habits of happiness.

Sorry - this doesn't really help answer your question as haven't recovered yet, but was hoping that it would be worth saying you are not alone!

Rainey910 Thu 17-Oct-19 19:39:15

OP thank you for starting this thread. I have to say that this has made me feel more positive knowing that I’m not alone in how I feel. So take comfort in knowing that by sharing how you feel you’ve made someone else feel better.

Also I completely echo what MrsMGE has said. So much of what you have said had also made me feel so much better too.

I think just acknowledging that this is so hard. That people who haven’t been through this have no idea of the pain. I have started counselling and it has really helped. Just having someone acknowledge that you’ve been through something so awful and traumatic and exploring that with them I found really helpful.

I found I hit rock bottom just before my first period came. I couldn’t stop crying for days but I think that was down to hormones. Since however I do really feel things have improved hugely and I feel much more positive. My experience was very traumatic and I originally had a suspected ectopic and was told my tube was going to be removed. Devastated would be an understatement. I woke up from the op to be told that there was no ectopic but a ruptured ovarian cyst and that nothing was removed and everything looks good and healthy. At that point I was told that I ‘should’ still be pregnant but unfortunately the next day my HCG stopped doubling and about 10 days later I experienced the miscarriage. It may sound strange but I can’t be grateful enough for how lucky I was and that I didn’t have to have a tube removed like so many poor women have had to go through. So I try and stay positive for knowing how lucky I was, and that despite it all, physically I am still in one piece.

It has also given me so much perspective. I used to stress about silly things. Worry about things that didn’t matter. I don’t think I truly appreciated my DH before this and I can genuinely say this has made us so much stronger and brought us together.

Also I don’t know how long ago you went through it OP, but give yourself time. It’s cheesy but time is a healer and I find that each week is better than the last. None of us know what the future holds, so I try not to dwell too much about the past, or panic too much about the future and getting pregnant again. Just be in the here and now. The here and now is whatever you feel, and if that is feeling sad, then just roll with it. I promise you won’t feel like this forever OP flowers

Rainey910 Thu 17-Oct-19 19:42:44

Sorry rambling on! One more thing that I have found has helped in Pilates and yoga. Ive found it really helps takes your mind off things and afterwards I find I feel much lighter. Also I know this is not about chasing the rainbow, but I also feel better as we are trying SMEP from now on and I feel like I know I’m giving it my all and I can’t do anything more, and what will be will be

Notnowokay Thu 17-Oct-19 20:14:35

I also did zumba classes after my second loss. I had gone through a phase of comfort eating and I wanted to lose some weight, so I tried few different classes. Zumba was the best for me as you concentrate on the teacher a lot and mimic her movements. She had this big smile on her face and I wanted to see how long she could keep it up. Basically I was drawn into the class by her smile (I'm hetrosexual). Maybe I wanted to share some of her perceived happiness.

I remembered another thing that put a smile on my face for a long time. One day a random market stall owner, said I had a very nice nose and radiant skin. This was two years ago and with losing babies, I lost some self esteem and body confidence. I was very suprised to get a very nice complement from a fellow woman. It hasn't happened before or after mind you. But it lifted my spirit high. I have an average nose and was wearing a new foundation (that I stuck to). I agree with her on skin my new foundation looked great on me and the nose I just accepted her complement. If she had complement any other body parts I would have most likely be offered. As I was over weight and had bags under my eyes and a almost all rubbed off lipstick.

danielasummer Wed 23-Oct-19 11:36:11

Thank you for starting this thread and for those who have offered advice. I found out on Monday, when I should have been 10 weeks, that my baby's heart stopped beating at 6+3, two days after my early scan where I saw it's heartbeat. I am devastated but reassured by your posts and that there are things that can make me feel happy again. Good luck to you all x

Slytherincredible Wed 23-Oct-19 12:16:38

A week ago today we found out at our scan that our baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks 6 days. Two of my best friends have had babies this week and I've been finding it really difficult. My GP has given me some diazepam which I'm hoping will help with the anxiety. But I agree with other people's posts about yoga. I'm a big fan of yoga as it is so empowering and calming. I'm not ready to start back up again yet as I'm still struggling to not spend the day crying and wallowing but I intend to start again as soon as I feel up to it :-)

chied3 Wed 23-Oct-19 15:49:49

Thanks for this. I'm struggling after an ectopic.

I am trying to be more mindful and appreciate what I have.

I'm decluttering too as I think the state of the house is stressing me

I'm going to get healthier and happier and then see how I feel

Frazzlerock Wed 23-Oct-19 16:16:53

I honestly do not know the answer.

It's been 3.5 years since our first MC,since then we've had two more. Our last one was a year ago.

I have tried everything. Counselling, CBT, life coaching, relaxation, yoga, meditation, spa days, we got two more cats and an axolotl, been on holidays etc etc... but it doesn't get easier.

I honestly think the only way to overcome this pain is a rainbow baby, sorry to say. Maybe that is just me though.

Sorry.... you asked for positive stories!

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