I have so much to say and I don't really know we're to start.
My waters broke on Monday night I didn't realise as I had had a bath and thought maybe some water had got up there and waited a few hours to come out but I put a sanitary towel on anyway. I'd been really uncomfortable for weeks but that day I suddenly felt fine I told my partner I felt like something was odd. We had had intercourse a few days before but hadn't had any for a long time and had some spotting up untill my waters broke. I went to the hospital the next morning because I had lent over to turn my alarm off and felt a gush. The hospital done some swab and a scan they said everything looked fine and told me we were having a baby girl. By the time i got to the door of the ward more came out they check again and said it was defiantly my waters.
I was admitted and told if I could keep enough water for Annie to practice breathing and allow her to move untill 24 weeks she would be viable.
The next morning I saw a doctor who told me I had lost to much for Annie to replenish it and that if I did get to 24 weeks with her alive her lungs wouldn't have developed enough even with steroids and her limbs would be fused she would also spend months in an incubator fighting for her life with tubes everywhere. We made the awful decision to terminate. With what I was told it didn't seem like it was a choice really.
I had 2 more days of feeling Annie moving and losing water while they were trying to start Labour. I went into labour on the 11th and was told that the contractions would put my Annie to sleep and they did I didn't feel her moving on th 12th at all but the contractions had stopped.
The doctors had decided to give me a 12 hour break from the medication but my body decided it was time. I had my angel baby at 22.30 on 12/01/17.
She was beautiful with perfect hands and feet. Very red and her skin was sticky. I got about 2 minutes with her and then started bleeding a lot as my body wasn't ready to deliver her placenta. I lost 1.5 L of blood and with my body weight I have about 2.5L so I was rushed to theatre luckily I was sick literally as they was about to put me to sleep and delivered the placenta because I was sick.
I then go to spend time with my baby my partner and 5 family members the midwife dressed Annie in front of me she was so careful and looked as though she loved her to.
I thought this time would be so sad and awful but it wasn't it was lovely calm and special. She was so tiny beautiful and mine. I was discharged the next evening and got that whole time with her either in the next room or with me.
I'm home and planning her funeral but I feel empty not only from the loss but physically empty. My partner has been my rock aswell as my family and friends. I could ask for more from them or the midwife or the hospital.
I think I'm still in shock because I don't feel anything it's like it happens to someone else not me. I don't know what to do or what to say to anyone.i and have 2 friends who are pregnant one is a week ahead of me having twins and that makes me scared . I don't want to drag my partner down when he is having a good day so I am looking for some support for the days that I'm struggling and he isn't. At first I thought I was good I didn't have to register Annie but now I'm sad. She was born she was here she was loved and will never be forgotten and she should be recognised and have a birth certificate.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Miscarriage 18 weeks 5 days
SianAnnie120117 · 16/01/2018 03:25
I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say but couldn't read and run. I've not gone through what you have but a close family member made the same tragic decision to terminate at 22 weeks after an awful discovery at the anomaly scan. Her son too was beautiful, tiny and perfect. My heart goes out to you and your perfect Annie 
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby boy at 16 weeks just after Christmas and everything you have written I have felt too. The time we spent with him afterwards was so calm. I rarely cried and I felt so proud of him and to be able to be his mummy. He was my little boy and I wanted to shout it so everyone knew.
This is such a hard time and I am taking each day at a time. Lean on your partner for support. I'm sure he would want you to talk to him. Some days I actually feel ok, then I just feel so sad and it hits me all over again. Do you have a bereavement midwife you can contact?
We have the funeral next week and I'm hoping to return to work after that which I'm dreading. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Crying for you and little Annie. No words really just sending love. 
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