I’m 25
I own a house
I have a great job
Then I got pregnant - my first ever pregnancy
Then me and my partner split up
Then my dog died
But all of this was fine because I had this baby
This baby had already changed my life
I stopped drinking
I stopped smoking
I was saving money
I was planning our future
I had the nursery planned out in my head
I had organised my job as part time for when I went back
I’d organised the childcare for when I was at work
I was at 12 +2 on Thursday and in the afternoon the bottom of my back started to constantly really hurt rather than twinge now and then. Then the twinges across my lower stomach started. When I got home from work I started to get a slightly pinky coloured discharge so I rang 101 they told me to just go to my GP on Friday morning. So off I went he pressed my tummy, did some tests, did another pregnancy test and said well your still pregnant so I convinced myself this was all normal - a positive test what more do you need? Anyway he sent me straight off for my first scan just to be safe.
I was so excited I was going to see the little bean that changed my life.
I got to the hospital explained and they sat me in a different waiting room to everyone else. When I finally went in they put the gel on my tummy and the nurse said your only measuring at 8 weeks we will have to go internal so we prepared for that and this is where I started to realise something was wrong there was a third nurse in the room. One said agreed the other said agreed and that was it. That was them agreeing my baby had no heart beat.
Then they took me back in another room and was asking me how I wanted this miscarriage to proceed. It went right over my head I was numb. My baby had been dead inside me for over 4 weeks. I thought everything was fine I’d had no extreme pain, I’d had no blood. I’d started to tell people, I was 12 weeks it was ok for me to tell people.
As I left the nurse made me stand in reception - tears pouring out my eyes - and cancel my originally booked scan. I was heart broken and it felt like she was rubbing it in.
My mum picked me up and took me to her house. It was horrible I couldn’t stand the silence. I went to see my godson and it just breaks my heart I am not carrying his little cousin. I can’t give him that littl cousin.
Once we got back to my mums the silence started again.
About half past 8 the bleeding really started. Shortly after that the pain started. My mum kept asking me about the pain but it didn’t feel that bad I just felt bad that I couldn’t keep this baby, that’s what hurt the most.
I went and laid with a duvet feeling completely lost, I felt the sharpest pain and went to the toilet and in my pants I could see my baby. I swear. It looked like it’s little tiny head, no blood just this little funny coloured head then the blood started.
The bleeding has steadied now but it’s still there. The constant reminder that I’ve lost this child.
I’m sorry for the rant and I hope you can understand this through my typos and my tears but I had to get this out. This is the worse feeling, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’d rather by in labour for a week then feel this pain anymore.
Love and sympathy to all the women that create this dreadful 1/4 statistic (which the nurses also reminded me of) if anyone needs to rant or someone to cry with that knows exactly how your feeling please get in touch.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Devastated
17 replies
Lcal25 · 04/11/2017 05:24
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