Feel like a lost cause

Frazzlerock · 2017-09-22 15:22:35

Apologies if you've seen this already. I posted in Mental Health yesterday, but not had a reply. I don't know whether this belongs in Miscarriage/babyloss or mental health. I'm totally lost. We lost two babies last year (early miscarriages. One missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and another at about 5 weeks) and I am in absolute despair about not being able to try again. DP absolutely refuses due to 1. not being able to afford another child (I have two older DC from previous marriage) and 2, he never wanted a child of his own. Our first baby was a big surprise but, after the initial shock, we both fell in love with the idea. When we lost our precious baby we tried again and amazing fell pregnant quickly (despite years of fertility issues in the past due to PCOS), But we lost that one too. DP then decided he didn't want to try again. Apart from a weekend a few weeks ago when he changed his mind for 24 hours (and I was the happiest I have been for a long time), he has point blank refused and cannot cope with my depression and inability to move on, caused by not being able to hold our rainbow baby. Every single day is a massive struggle for me. I'm triggered constantly. Being around other pregnant women and newborns kills me. I feel like I have been at rock bottom since he made his decision and I don't know how to get out. I've seen various counsellors and had CBT but nothing seems to touch the surface. One therapist even said "you just need to have another baby" and discharged me. I know I have to help myself, that it is my fault I am feeling like this. But I literally have no idea how to even begin to get out of this darkness. I'm on Fluoxitine, and don't fancy increasing the dose as there has got to be a better way to get out of this without resorting to drugs for the rest of my life. DP is depressed too now as he knows he can't give me my ultimate dream, despite me telling him I want to make peace with it. It's ruined the relationship between me and his dad because his dad refuses to try to understand me, despite suffering from depression himself on and off for years. This in turn has caused DP to be stuck in the middle. Even though I am trying my best with his dad, and apologise constantly for my pain and grief. I'm at such a loss. I want to get better so much but I don't know how. I don't know how to stop my insides aching and twisting every single time I see a pregnant woman. I just want it all to stop and to be happy again. So much so that I have wished so many times that I don't wake up again. We were blissfully happy before we lost our first baby and I hadn't really experienced depression (or grief for that matter) before. I want that feeling back so very much.

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