They say that you just 'kind of know' when you are pregnant. I knew about you.
I did the test when I was at work, in the disabled toilets, fiddling with the packet, then daring to look down and just knowing that the test was going to be positive. In one moment my entire life had changed. I walked out of there in a daze, holding this gigantic little secret inside of me. I instinctively held my stomach in a bid to protect you; you were so little in there, so tiny, yet so huge.
When I got home I told your Daddy and he was so shocked to hear you were coming. His face was a picture, and I don't think it really sunk in for him for a day or two. Our lives were never going to be the same again. He immediately began looking at upgrading our car, practical as always. He downloaded and app on to his phone and tracked your progress, it really pulled on my heart strings when he did that. It showed that he was excited too
Thinking of your arrival was exciting; I couldn't help but begin to plan, even though I know you are not supposed to. I pictured lying in bed holding your hand as you looked at me. Who’s eyes will you have? Who’s hair? I paused, but didn’t stop at the baby departments, little baby gro’s, oh and tiny shoes. I started looking at pushchairs and nursery furniture. I felt glowing and looked well.
One day at work I had quite sharp stomach pains, so much so that I had to cling onto the wall. I thought that it was 'growing pains', maybe it was you saying goodbye. Who knows? I didn't think anything at that point, I forgot.
As we approached the 12 week scan I was feeling more confident about you. We had told a few close friends around the 10 week mark as we were bursting with pride and excitement at your impending arrival. I was due to go to my first scan on the Monday 3rd July. On Thursday the 29th June I was meeting up with the girls so decided to tell them, we were actually already 12 weeks so what was a couple of days? When I told them they were so excited and the talk turned to Nursery furniture, knowing if it was a girl or a boy or what my plans were for maternity leave. I felt that I fitted right into these conversations, that it felt right for me. We had a good giggle that night, before we left the pub I went to the toilet. I saw some blood. When I came out of the toilet I had to drive home, I tried to have a normal conversation but I couldn't, I was shaking. As I was driving home the song Imagine came on, I saw that as a sign. I can’t listen to that song now without thinking about you.
I got home, and told Daddy, (who was in bed feeling sorry for himself as he had eaten something bad). I was panicking and shouted at him, I had no sympathy for him and his food poisoning. They say you 'just know' when you know you’re pregnant. I 'just knew' it was over. I tried to sleep.
The next morning there was more blood, only a little but it was there. What is happening? I couldn’t speak. I called Daddy to call the doctor. They saw us within 30 mins. The doctor was serious. I was hoping he wasn’t going to be so serious, but he was. I was trying to tell myself that it was going to be ok. But I knew.
Waiting for my scan in that waiting room will always stay with me, I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to get it over with. A pregnant woman came in with her daughter; she seemed so confident and relaxed. I couldn't even sit down. I knew. This was supposed to be an exciting time; we even rushed around last minute trying to find change for the copies of the scan picture. But I knew we wouldn't need any change.
She switched off the lights, and put the gel on my stomach. I could hardly speak I was so nervous. This wasn't how it was in the movies. This wasn't how I had pictured it. DH held my hand and I held his. She wouldn't show us the screen. I glanced up at her face, and I knew, right then I knew, it was written all over her face. In one moment our lives were never going to be the same again. We went through the pretence of getting a colleague in the room to 'double check'. But I knew. I don't know what she said to break the news I didn't understand what was happening. She left us for a moment, I was shaking, I cried briefly - more forced out of shock, I didn't know that the tears would come later, they would come in floods. She took us up to the EPU, that long awkward lift ride up there. We don't have a baby spinning around in my head. We were given a leaflet; I didn't know what was happening.
We went home. No nursery furniture. No maternity clothes. No maternity leave. No baby names. No baby.
By the Saturday evening, or was it Sunday - I don't really know the days were muddled- I had started miscarrying naturally.
I went to bed, I slept.
I woke up with blood everywhere.
Bright red.
I stayed in bed. My heart truly started breaking.
We hugged, I cried, I cried alone, I cried with Daddy nothing helped or made things better. I was mourning not a person, but what could have been, I was mourning memories not yet made. I was mourning 3 months of excitement and plans, I was mourning you. I was mourning the future.
Eventually there was no blood. My body knew it wasn’t over. I knew. Days after the pain came, the pain that was trying to pull me to pieces all over again. This time it was so hard, too hard for me. I tried but I couldn’t do it alone.
We pulled up at A&E, they saw me straightaway, morphine. There was blood, again, lots. Then rest and tiredness Then it came, I felt it. I can still feel it now. Shock. What was that? I don’t want to look. She whisked it away. The doctor looking, peering without seeing what I had truly lost.
We went home, quiet and subdued, traumatised even. We slept, we were tired.
Today 18 days after it all started I did a pregnancy test. It was negative. It was over.
I knew.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
A mother knows.
15 replies
bananafanana1 · 24/07/2017 14:56
OP posts:
bananafanana1 ·
24/07/2017 19:01
Thanks Lauralstar and alltalknobaby. It's unbelievable the amount of women that are experiencing this. It's heartbreaking. 
OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit ·
27/07/2017 23:31
I had a miscarriage too. Like you, I just "knew" that I was pregnant, and then I "knew" it was going wrong. I'm so sorry for your loss.
bananafanana1 ·
28/07/2017 00:09
Aree83, brokenbiscuit and spunbodgesquarepants I'm so for your losses. Sending hugs you'll never forget. Cry and grieve with us all, we're here with you holding you hand.
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