Diagnosed infertility then 2 mcs, I am angry

[AndInShortIWasAfraid]

Last year we were told that the only for us to conceive would be by IVF. ‘D’H has a sperm count of about 2 million, 0% morphology and 29% motility, I am in my early twenties and on paper I’m fine and I think my ovulation test came back at 39. The fertility nurse was not hopeful about our chances and said that ICSI was our only hope. This was in April 2016. I resigned myself to having to undergo IVF. I would have preferred to use donor sperm so I wouldn't have to go through IVF but wanted 'D'H to have a chance at using his sperm. In December we got pregnant and miscarried in January and I ended up in A&E, we got pregnant again last month and miscarried a week later. It took us years to have two miscarriages. The husband now thinks there is no point doing IVF (It’s been over a year and we still don’t have a referral), as clearly his sperm and my eggs don’t mix. I agree, we aren’t compatible, our bodies are just telling us what we already know. But now that we have miscarried, there is that awful ‘hope’, that it might happen so I’ve stopped looking at donors. I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea and wouldn't bring a baby into the world using a donor unless I was.

I am completely finished. I do not have it in me to continue at life. I have no support from anyone, when I miscarried the first time my FIL and MIL invited DH to visit their three month old granddaughter without me. There had been no invitation before the week he told them I miscarried. ‘D’H didn’t think there was anything wrong with this but later deleted the text as ‘he couldn’t look at it.’ My mother keeps telling me that God told her that I’m going to have twins and so I go along to this church twice a week that I hate, I give money and I pray and nothing happens. She only calls to check I’ve been to church. My younger sister has now decided to have a baby with her boyfriend of one year. They are currently sleeping on his mother’s sofa while his mother raises the money to build a granny annexe for him. Neither of them work very much as they don’t need to, he’s supported by his friends. She calls me up crying regularly (last time yesterday) about their fights but thinks it’s a great time to get babied up. This lazy cunt who usually isn’t seen before midday has spent the last three hours texting me about her baby plans. She knows that we have fertility issues, she knows that I have just miscarried, she knows that I may never have a baby. Is this some sort of warped sibling rivalry?

I am so fucking angry, I have smashed up my bedroom, my laptop and am pretty close to attacking the next person who displays any outward signs of fertility. I cry every day, I am sat at my desk and I am crying. I bought a shitty house by a good school for the baby that won’t deign to meet us. I should have just used the deposit and bought myself a nice bag and gone on holiday. Or had liposuction. I am stuck in a shit job I hate for the maternity pay I’ll never get. I wish I didn’t want children, I wish I didn’t get married, I wish I could forget all this crap.

[Thingymaboob]

Take a break from it all. Apply for a career break, buy that bag and go travelling for 6 months. You can't go on like this! You need a big change.

[physicskate]

Please go see your gp for you sanity. Mine gave me antidepressants instead of fertility tests. I don't know how people keep going for years and years... the disappointment is crushing...

And yes the 'I've been trying ages why hasn't it happened in 3 months' people can fuck right off.

I know they're babies have nothing to do with my (or your fertility) but it's still a slap in the face. Hugs.

[keeponrunning85]

It's shit isn't it.

I often wish we'd never started trying. We were happy before we started trying. 2 and a half years and 4 miscarriages down the line I wonder if we ever will be that happy and carefree again. I doubt it very much.

I've been comfort eating tonight so now I can feel shitty about that too.