Hi, I'm sorry I've been away a few days. I've not been ignoring you.
I'm sure this will be very long so I apologise in advance!
TurquoiseDress
I am so very sorry. I know exactly what you mean about the sunny days. All those plans we had with our babies and having to watch others experience it instead is gut wrenchingly hard.
I remember the TTC hell clearly. I have PCOS and it took a lot of years, patience, hospital appointments, and awful jealous feelings before I had my two DC.
I should be grateful for those boys and I'm trying so hard to try to accept that they will be my only 'babies'. Especially given the fact that so many people can't even have one. Why can't I just be satisfied?
Have you taken any medical steps towards TTC? What is the plan?
We also got our bad news at a scan. It is just so unexpected when you imagine a bouncy baby on the screen.
deckoff
These days it's less of a "sobbing for hours" and more of a numb ache and then crying in private occasionally now. But I'm by no means normal and don't know if I will be again, despite counselling. Same. And I am so very sorry for how much you've suffered. I've had two losses and can't get to grips with it, I can't imagine any more than that. I too barely speak to any of my pregnant or new parent friends. I just can't. I want to, but my anxieties go through the roof at the thought.
monkeytree! Lovely, I'm so pleased to see you here - well I'm not, but you know what I mean. It's good that you are protecting yourself from triggers but it is so very hard isn't it?
roll with the good days and deal with the bad - yes I do this. Though it is very hard to deal with the bad as, when I'm down, DP gets brought down too and we both become so depressed and miserable that we feel exasperated with eachother. I'm so scared that we will end up drifting apart, there is only so much we can both take.
living in this secret 'other' world - Exactly this.
My relationship with my sister in law was always shaky and this was the final straw - This is how I feel with my step SIL. We haven't known eachother very long but (and I'll talk about it further below) I get the feeling we will never see eye to eye now.
I am going to try and keep writing, but I feel like I only ever write when I'm at rock bottom, and I really want to write something more positive, I just don't know how to just yet.
Brenna24
My thoughts are with you. like I said to TurquoiseDress, I remember the TTC well and it was torturous
eggsovercooked
Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts. They have been pretty awful. I started them to get some compassion and solidarity at such an awful time but, as you probably red, I was met with contempt and made to feel even worse than I already was. Mumsnet can be such a shit place sometimes. That was a very painful time, and I know I shouldn't let people get to me, but I'm only human. This is why I think I'll stick to the MC board from now on.
I'm so very sorry for your TFMRs. That must have been horrific to go through and I will never be able to imagine that kind of pain.
I totally understand your feelings around your sister. You cannot help how you feel, and you are totally within your rights to feel like you do.
You're absolutely spot on with everything you've said. And the project of trying again really does give you a fantastic focus and distraction. We tried again (and lost that one) but I immediately felt ok about it, knowing we were going to keep trying, only to be met with DP's change of heart. Now I don't know who I am anymore. Or the point of me. I was also naive, terribly naive. MC is common, but it happens to other people.....right? And MC is always obvious, you don't go to a scan thinking you're about to meet your beautiful little bundle, only to be met with stillness. You don't go into hospital to have your dead baby forced out of you, do you...
Why aren't we told of these possibilities? Why are we led down the garden path. Led to believe that we'll meet our babies nine months after conception? Bloody hell, I even went to breastfeeding classes and nearly bought a pram! We bought a house to fit us all in, and we live there now, with an empty nursery...
And even when we're told that something could go wrong before 12 weeks, we're not actually convinced it will happen to us, are we.
I wonder if this sort of thing should be taught in school. Never mind "you could get pregnant!" it should be "You might well have trouble TTC, or you might lose your babies" I was so scared of becoming pregnant as a teenager, little did I know of my condition which would fuck that up as much as it could.
eggs On that note, I think I have highjacked Frazzle's thread slightly (sorry Frazzle) but do feel free to PM me if you ever want to off-load.
No you haven't at all! I want this to be about all of us. We seem to be the minority in the babyloss world. Everyone else is able to try again and has that amazing focus. Lets stick together and support eachother through this shit, shall we?
Me? Well I had a very tough day yesterday. After a wonderful weekend. Actually after a wonderful couple of weekends. The weekend before DP and I went up to Manchester to see the Courteeners, then stopped by Stratford-Upon-Avon for a bit of quiet couple time. Then this weekend we went to a family wedding.
The turning point was yesterday. DP's dad had invited us via the dreaded FB to a Father's Day pub meal. I checked to see who was invited and I noticed DP's Step sister (the one who had a baby - see my many other threads) had been invited and she was no longer a friend. I knew she'd hidden me, as I had done to her. Because she wanted to turn a blind eye to our pain, basically. I hid her as her pregnancy was, quite frankly, killing me. But she had actually de-friended me. I know it is only FB and doesn't mean anything but I just don't understand her attitude. Maybe I'm selfish to think I'm the one who has lost two babies, therefore she is the privileged one. Fuck knows. To think I even sent her baby a cute little gift before he came along, I wish I hadn't bothered. I barely got a thankyou, despite how excruciating it was to walk into that Baby Gap and buy something.
I mentioned to DP that she's de-friended me and he said she'd done it ages ago and that it doesn't mean anything. She just didn't want to see my posts. I hate FB for making me feel like this.
And my colleague has suddenly sprouted this week. I can't look at her. She came over to talk to another colleague of mine and I wanted to run out of the office. It took all my will to keep me seated and sane and calm. But I felt so angry. Not angry at her, just angry at the whole unfairness of it all. Then I feel angry at myself for feeling so hard done by when there are far worse things going on in the world right now. I feel like there are two people fighting to the death in my head.
The confusing thing is, this weekend at the wedding, I overheard another guest telling her friends she is nearly nine weeks pregnant and she was so excited and so happy. This was the exact time Emily left us. The exact time our lives changed. I couldn't help but think "what are you doing woman! Why are you so happy and so oblivious that this time tomorrow, you baby may not be alive anymore!" This is the way my mind works now.
The confusing thing was, I told DP how I was feeling and he said "awww, that will be us one day..." Granted he was 'merry' at the time, but this 'flip flopping' is just so confusing. And "one day"? When? I'm nearly 38 years old. I'm not exactly a spring chicken and I have fertility issues. What if he changes his mind and my body decides to stop ovulating like it did when I was TTC the DC? It could take years and then it might be too late.
I guess I can't just relax with the idea that he might change his mind, but he might not, you know?
Sorry for the epic writing
(I can't even be arsed to check through it so I apologise if it doesn't make sense)