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Neighbour has miscarried

(15 Posts)
MieMoosMummy Mon 22-May-17 11:59:43

Hello all,
Today I found out that a Neighbour has recently miscarried their first baby. I don't know her hugely well, our husbands work together and get on really well but I've only met her a handful of times. In spite of this I really feel for her. I want to tell her that I am so so sorry. The problem is that I'm also pregnant and the last thing I want to do is rub salt in the wound.
What would you do in this situation? Would you say something or let her be?
Also I want to ask if you've suffered a miscarriage, what did you find helped the most?
Thanks x

OP’s posts: |
ForeverHopeful21 Mon 22-May-17 19:03:04

I had a miscarriage only a couple of months after my next door neighbour gave birth. The best thing that she did was text me saying how sorry she was. She wrote a card and posted it which again was good because I wasn't ready to see her.

A couple of weeks later she asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I really didn't want to but I went anyway and I'm glad I did (this was much better than us accidentally bumping in to one another and it being awkward!). She asked me how I was really feeling and made it clear that I could speak openly about the miscarriage. She asked about my hospital appointments and how I was coping physically as well as emotionally. All of this was a huge relief as I felt free to open up and talk about it all.
She then addressed the elephant and said that she felt really bad for having a baby. Obviously it's not her fault but I really appreciated this. We both had a little cry and I think it really helped our relationship - not that we are good friends or anything but obviously I bump in to her a lot.

The best things people said to me after my miscarriage was simply that they were sorry. The ones that genuinely seemed bothered and genuinely wanted to know how I was coping. The ones that listened and didn't pretend that it never happened.

I think it would be wise not to talk too much about your pregnancy but I think you should definitely get in touch x

ForeverHopeful21 Mon 22-May-17 19:07:32

I forgot to say ....a hug is always good.
Early on after my miscarriage, I told a complete stranger! I was having a really bad day and I just blurted it out. She gave me a huge hug and it meant everything. x

DancingUnicorn Mon 22-May-17 21:59:15

I think forever has a good idea in maybe a card to start, and then a follow up after a little time has passed. I found people would say they were sorry once, and then never mention it again, which is upsetting as it's not something that really goes away any time soon. It's kind of you to think of a way to be a comfort to her. ❤️

Congratulations on your pregnancy! smile

IntelligentPutty Mon 22-May-17 22:47:43


I just had a operation to remove mmc today.
Feelings are fresh but I'm not so shocked any more.
It's gone on for a couple of weeks before the op today and I've told a few people.
I am most 'upset' / 'surprised' at those who have said nothing.
No sorry to hear it. No acknowledgement. Nothing.
At the end of the day the baby is lost. And it helps to talk about it. As little or much as I like I suppose just like if a relative dies. To say nothing is to suggest they did not exist.

But most importantly to know that someone cares enough to ask how I'm doing and to have their thoughts.
People may not say the right thing and that's to be expected.

So... my advice, fwiw, a card. A friendly talk. Offer of a walk and chat as others suggested or a cuppa. She can say no.
But she will know you care.


MieMoosMummy Tue 23-May-17 09:20:05

Thank you so much ladies, I will definitely pop a card through the door.
You've all been so helpful, flowers for you all x

OP’s posts: |
Neolara Tue 23-May-17 09:25:36

Please don't say anything. I had 4 mcs and would have found comments from a neighbour I hardly knew massively intrusive.

Eeeeek2 Wed 24-May-17 15:03:31

IntelligentPutty if you don't mind answering how did you come to the operation option? Was this something you were offered or did you have to push for? Trying to get informed before scan tomorrow to see what is happening but don't think it's going to be good news.

loveacupoftea18 Wed 24-May-17 20:47:22

Hi Eeeek. I had a missed miscarriage last week and was presented with a few options - I had already done a lot of reading and decided to go with the surgical option. It was obviously very sad but I feel at peace with my choice. I'm sorry to hear you have to face that too. X

IntelligentPutty Wed 24-May-17 23:10:02

Hi Eeeek
Sorry so long to get back to you.
Maybe you will see this before your appointment.
TBH it was a very personal choice and I found it a hard one to make. ( due to the risks , loss of blood and very very worst case loss of womb (1 in 30,000 as I recall).
The 1 in xxx means nothing anymore it will either be ok or not. !!!
I had already had 9 days since chance of baby not growing (and the initial shock) so 9 days of waiting. Thinking something might happen. 9 days of uncertainty. When the final truth came I suppose I had had enough.
I was given 3 options by the really good nurse.
She was open and honest and told me all the risks and let me decide what I wanted.
Personally my choice was driven by wanting to get it resolved so I can move on and have minimum pain.
The other options are keep waiting. Or take some pills and hope it happens with them. Both I have heard and the nurse confirmed, more painful options.
This one isn't really. It's like period pains. And I'm still bleeding but not anything horrific. I can move on. I can go on holiday in 3 weeks.
I hope that doesn't sound selfish!!?

And. All the nurses and doctors who did the operation and pre and post op care were amazing. I arrived at 7 and was home by 1. They were all lovely, caring and made the whole horrible experience a lot easier to deal with.

Hugs to you. I hope it goes as well as it can whatever you decide.


Eeeeek2 Wed 24-May-17 23:10:07

Thanks I'm hoping that I'll be presented with options, well more dreading being sent away for a week or more to wait for it to happen. I want it over physical at least as soon as possible.

IntelligentPutty Wed 24-May-17 23:19:52

Totally understand that.
Will be thinking of u. Let us know how it goes. X

Eeeeek2 Wed 24-May-17 23:22:10


Eeeeek2 Thu 25-May-17 16:08:17

Unfortunately things haven't worked out currently still in hospital due to the amount of bleeding

IntelligentPutty Thu 25-May-17 19:06:49

So sorry. X

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