Sorry for a very long post...
I had a complete molar pregnancy back in November 2012, I was 19 years old and as silly as it may sound, as I was so young, I had wanted a baby for a long time. I had 2 dnc's to try remove the tissue and ended up going to Charing Cross hospital for chemotherapy for a few months. Then I started going out drinking a lot, I never spoke to anyone about what had happened because I couldn't bring myself to speak about it not even to my partner, he seemed to move on quickly and wasn't bothered. I wouldn't say I had cancer it just didn't seem real, it felt wrong, not compared to people who were really suffering from it, I knew I was always going to be cured.
Just short of a year after finishing chemo I fell pregnant again, I was petrified that something would go wrong but gave birth to a healthy boy who is now 2. And when he was 4 months old I caught again and gave birth to a healthy baby girl who is now 1.
I thought back then that having another baby would make things better or take away the pain which it did for a while. I didn't think about it constantly and cry over it every night, things felt better, I hadn't forgot I was just happier. That emptiness had been filled finally. Now 4 and half years on I am still unable to speak about pregnancy loss or even about having chemotherapy to anyone I know (this is why I'm hoping to find help on this thread). I am still with my partner and I feel as though I cannot bring it up and if I did I wouldn't know what to say, I don't want people to see me cry I think that's what holds me back the most and I don't want people to pitty me. I kept a box of my hospital bands, pregnancy test and pictures of my bump which I recently threw away because my partner told me to, he said 'why have you still got it?'. I didn't ever want anyone to see the box of keepsakes it was almost like a big secret that I hid under the bed or in the wardrobe and by throwing it away I thought I'd let go.
Since my molar pregnancy I have been through a lot of other things which I won't go into and now feel like I have anxiety and I cannot trust many people. I have never spoken to a doctor or seen a therapist as I never thought I needed to. So anyway the whole point to my post was is this normal? Should I seek professional help or will things get better? Isit just the way I am that I bottle things up? Has anyone else had a similar story? How can I let go or should I ever let go?
Again sorry for the long story just wanted to make sure I got everything in.
Please any help will be grateful
You poor thing. I've had two losses which were both missed miscarriages at 12 weeks- that was bad enough but at least they were over and done with quickly, not like your experience. I've also since had two children.
It's normal to always carry some grief, but it sounds as though you are still very traumatised by what you went through, and, perhaps because you've not spoken to anyone really about it, it's still all bottled up. Your partner has been unhelpful (particularly in telling you to get rid of your keepsakes) but I guess his way of dealing with it is to try not to think about it. It was your body that went through the suffering though, and he should really be more respectful and supportive.
Anyway, that's a long way of saying that yes, I think you should seek help to process what you've gone through. I hope you can open up to some supportive friends, but I also think you should speak to your GP about accessing counselling.
Congratulations on your two beautiful little ones.
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