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TheManicMummy Tue 20-Dec-16 22:55:50

I had a scan today... I'm meant to be 10 weeks but my baby is only measuring 6.5 weeks and there's no heartbeat to be found. I've been told it's a missed miscarriage and to go back after Christmas for another scan.

My husband has told me I need to "just get on with it" so here I was bathing the kids when I totally break down.. he hugged me and that was it really. We've had arguments all night over my step son.

I just want to kill myself. I feel so low. I've lost my baby and I'm being shouted at. I don't feel like anyone understands. Tomorrow I have to get up and deal with my two kids all day when I just can't face it.. I don't know how to cope with this is there anyone I can speak to about this?

WellErrr Tue 20-Dec-16 22:57:28

I'm so sorry flowers

Hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon.

Bows85 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:02:37

So sorry to read this flowers I hope you're ok.

I don't have any personal experience of mc but I know that the miscarriage association have a helpline. Maybe speaking to someone about your feelings will help?

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

I really hope you can find the support you need.

PurpleDaisies Tue 20-Dec-16 23:04:09

I'm so sorry this has happened. If you're feeling so low, it's a good idea to reach out to someone in real life-do you have an understanding friend or relative? The Samaritans will always listen to people who are feeling like you, or you can contact your gp or go to A and E if you think you might hurt yourself. flowers

FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 21-Dec-16 07:32:25

Hi TheManicMummy,

We're so sorry you're going through this - we've moved your thread into Miscarriage/Pregnancy loss as we think you'll find kindness and support there. Please do seek real life help as that is always best.

flowers

TheManicMummy Wed 21-Dec-16 08:21:40

I feel a bit better today... I just want to know if I can have baby cremated? I think I will cope a lot better that way, if I can bring my baby home rather than leave at the hospital for me to not know what happened to baby? X

KittyandTeal Wed 21-Dec-16 09:10:49

I'm so sorry this has happened.

You should be able to have the baby cremated, we did with 14 weekds and 22week dd2. You might not get any ashes back but it may still be a comfort to you. The hospital should have a screening or bereavement midwife that can help.

Our hospital hold a service for each baby, parents can attend if they wish but the service is held regardless. We went and helped organise both of ours.

Have you contacted sands? They help women and families through miscarriage as well as stillbirth and neonatal death. They have brilliant support groups and information online.

Pregnancy loss is a special kind of grief, it's really complex and difficult. Allow yourself time to grieve, it's not about just getting on with things. Your dp needs to understand this.

TheManicMummy Wed 21-Dec-16 09:46:58

I think I'm having an issue with not being able to bring my baby home... I would just like to have a cremation and be able to bring my babies ashes home?

He's gone back to work, and is "just getting on with it" which leaves me at home, very lonely with my 2 & 1 year old x

emsler Wed 21-Dec-16 10:49:12

Hi TheManicMummy, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a miscarriage in October at 11.5 weeks and it was very hard.

Like you and your partner, my husband and I had totally different coping mechanisms. I wanted (in fact needed) to just get on with things, keep going to work etc. My husband was the opposite and wanted to take time out to grieve. What we did was to compromise. I went back to work after we found out about the miscarriage and kept going as normal for a week and a half before my surgery. After the we both took a week off and took time out to really grieve together for the baby. Perhaps you could sit down with your partner and explain that your way of grieving is different to his and you would like him to take some time with you to mourn your loss. It might even be worth visiting your hospital's bereavement midwife together as this might help your partner open up and see your feelings more clearly?

You should speak to the hospital about what you would like to happen next, including the fact that you would like to bring the baby home for cremation. They'll be able to advise you on what's possible.

Is there anyone (family or friend) who could come and be with you while your husband is at work?

KittyandTeal Wed 21-Dec-16 11:06:11

I absolutely understand that feeling of having left them behind at hospital. It's a horrid feeling.

I would definitely speak to your hospital. I was advised that they probably wouldn't get ashes back from dd2 who died at 22 weeks or from ds who died at 14 weeks. We got ashes from both but I think we were very lucky.

One trick is to put lots inside the casket, that raises the probability of getting ashes, some of which will obviously be your baby.

GreedyDuck Wed 21-Dec-16 11:23:30

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am currently lying in hospital awaiting an MVA to remove the final pieces of tissue from my womb. My mmc was discovered at 9 weeks and the embryo was only measuring 6 weeks.

Bear in mind that you may start miscarrying naturally before you go back for another scan, which is what happened to me. I passed the yolk sac and embryo very easily on the toilet and although I held onto it for an hour or so it was so miniscule that I eventually bade it goodbye and flushed it away. If this happens to you, perhaps you could wrap it up in some tissue or fabric and bury it under a tree?

I hope I haven't upset you, I do understand how hard it is, especially at this time of year. flowers

TheManicMummy Wed 21-Dec-16 13:04:28

Thank you all for your advice and kind words... i just feel soo lonely. It's just ticking over and over in my head I sorted out all my DS old clothes and my DD and they're all just sitting there... I don't know what to do with them now?

Me and my DP are further apart than ever and I'm at home with two very young children not really coping... sorry I don't know what to get out of this other than, I have no one else to talk to?

Whooptydoo1 Wed 21-Dec-16 13:14:45

Hi, I've had 4 miscarriages in the last couple of years, 2 were missed miscarriages for which I had surgery, I had to sign paperwork at the pre op which asked if I wanted "the products of conception back for me to make my own arrangements", I said no at the time (tho I regret this) so I can't advise how they would be returned, as pp have said, try and be as prepared as possible to miscarry fully before u go to surgery as this usually happens naturally within 3 weeks of the heart beat stopping. Everyone copes and responds differently when this happens, perhaps your dp is finding your grief hard to relate to and doesn't know how to help, it can be a very lonely and isolating experience, but there is support available online flowers

AngelHeart2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 16:39:34

I know EXACTLY how you feel @TheManicMummy. I just got the diagnosis of miscarriage less than a week ago, I was about 7 or 8 weeks. My boyfriend was initially upset when i told him but after that he was laughing and making jokes (Maybe trying to lighten the situation?) But now I feel as if he doesnt care or that I cared so much more. I have two young kids too and all i want to do is just lay in bed or the couch and cry or stare at the wall. Its hard putting on the "normal" mask. As women we try so hard to make everyone else feel ok around us, meanwhile we are sad/angry/resentful inside. I feel like I wish i could cancel Christmas, i dont care how it hurts anyone else. My advice to you is to find someone who will be extremely supportive and lean on them. It should be our partners, but most times (especially if its a guy) they dont do or say the right thing. Thats why these threads are so helpful. Im so sorry for your loss. Maybe our babies are cuddled up in the arms of God together. Try and get through this and surround yourself with love. XOXO

TheManicMummy Wed 21-Dec-16 23:48:54

Oh @AngelHeart2016 I'm soo so sorry for your loss also... this grief is so lonely and I'm finding it even worse with my two children, so I know what your going through... I thought I'd want to cuddle them desperately and not let them go? I seem to be completely the opposite? I just want to be left alone to cry or lie in bed. I feel like my daily tasks are now a chore rather than a pleasure... I don't know if I'm right to feel that way or not really...

I also got a little note back from my swabs I done last week to say that thrush was present, I'm unsure if that could cause a silent miscarriage or not... but right now I feel like I may have done something wrong. X

BeamReach Thu 22-Dec-16 06:53:13

Just a brief note to say, thrush is really common in pregnancy and does not cause misscarriage

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. Can you farm your kids out to their friends for the day to get a break?

TheManicMummy Thu 22-Dec-16 09:23:28

I live a long way from family and DP has to go to work as it's stock take which is just ridiculous as I need him here. I sat on my own all day yesterday I have to sit on my own all day today and tomorrow aswell. I'm really angry to be honest.

AngelHeart2016 Thu 22-Dec-16 12:20:20

@TheManicMummy every feeling you have is justified, otherwise, you wouldnt feel that way. I keep telling myself in my head that I should be thankful for having 2 healthy children and I am but the anger over losing the 3rd is outweighing those feelings right now. I think its good to express your anger instead of bottle it in, I suggest counseling where you can be alone with someone and have their complete ear and say all those things you want to say in a safe environment. There are so many things i wish i could tell my idiot boyfriend, his mother, my mom, my doctor, everyone!! But then I would look like the Grinch who stole Christmas. No one really understands what your going through except the ones who have been through it. I am typically a very strong indeoendent person, i think thats why everyone around me thinks i should be ok after 6 days of finding out I miscarried. But im not ok. And I dont care who knows it at this point! I offer my hand and a huge hug to you @TheManicMommy. I tryly know how you feel.

AngelHeart2016 Thu 22-Dec-16 12:21:11

Truly**

Whooptydoo1 Thu 22-Dec-16 14:16:45

It's ok to feel shit, it is shit, nothing you have done or not done has caused this, wen I was undergoing investigation for recurrent miscarriage, they told me over 70% of women never find out why it has happened, I've had every test available and they still don't know, it's natural to feel responsible but please don't hang onto that feeling - it is not your fault. It's very hard for ppl who haven't experienced this to understand, I've been thru a lot in my life and was shocked by how much my losses floored me, and still do, take the time to look after yourself, we're here to help x

TheManicMummy Thu 22-Dec-16 15:22:31

Well, I've screamed at my other half. Told him how much I hate him for going back to work and leaving me with my two children who have screamed and fought all day... I just couldn't keep it in. Luckily he dealt with it calmly in the end when he realised I was just frustrated at the situation.

I just feel like I'm doing it all on my own. So I cried and cried and then I got tired. Gave the kids some milk and we slept. I haven't been able to sleep for ages and their routines are now well and truly screwed but I don't care, I feel a bit better now I've screamed and cried and slept... tomorrow is another day. But at least I feel a bit mellow. Thanks @Angel for the hugs, i send lots back!

I appreciate being able to talk to you all and actually getting replies, it helps me get through my day xx

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 22-Dec-16 16:01:12

We're all here for you. I lost my baby last month, found out at the 12 week scan it had stopped growing at 8+5 and my heart broke.

I'm very lucky that my DH has been in a similar place to me and we've grieved together. But even when that's the case you still need people to lean on.

The online info from the miscarriage association are very helpful. I found that I wanted and needed as much information and detail about everything as possible to try and process it all and work out what to expect.

The EPU gave me the MA leaflet with the 3 options. I started medical management straight away, took the drugs there and came home. It didn't work and 5 days later I had an MVA at hospital. It was all over after that and I started to feel physically better after a rough few days. But the emotional pain and trauma takes a lot longer.

My DH has 2 DC but we don't have any together yet, this was my third loss. At the time I felt like my whole future had been taken away. I've never know pain like it, it took my breath away over and over again and you can expect a whole range of pretty violent feelings, they're natural and they DO lessen. I don't think the loss goes away but you learn to live with it.

I've always been a silent weeper but when they left the room at the scan I heard a sound come out of me I've ever heard befoye, I literally howled. It was raw and painful and scary and I cried like that off and on for a couple of weeks. It natural. While everyone processes things differently, the shock and unfairness of a mmc, when everything seemed so safe and positive and on track, will knock anyone for six. I adored our baby and part of me still can't believe he's gone. But over the weeks I've gone back to my normal quiet crying when I think of what's happened. It hurts but the raw awful shock of it has faded.

The physical part varies for everyone. As someone already said, you might start to miscarry naturally at home but you might not. There's an invaluable thread on here on what to expect which might be worth a look when you can face it.

You might be offered medical management and this usually works, they said it was unusual it didn't for me. Hospitals vary on whether they'll send you home to do this or keep you in. With little ones you have to look after it would be difficult to do it at home so going in might be easier. See what they say and read up on the options.

The MVA/ERPC is the quickest and it should all be over quickly afterwards but you'll need time to rest up as much as you can. My hot water bottle and massive bottle of floradix were invaluable.

My hospital has a remembrance book for all lost babies. You write their name and a date on a form and give it to them. We also signed paperwork agreeing to a nondenominational cremation of what they removed in the surgery. You can't take the ashes home or be there at ours but I liked the idea of someone saying a proper goodbye.

If the miscarriage happens at home you can line the loo with paper and catch it and then bury it in a plant pot or garden if you have one.

I know people buy jewellery to remember their losses, or something small and pretty to have in your home.

Whatever happens, do ask for any pain relief you need. There's loads they can give you so take all of it!

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself, ask for help, here and in real life. Take time to grieve, eat and drink what you can and keep your strength up. Give yourself a break, you're in the middle of an awful experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. But you will be okay.

Sending love and strength x

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