I need to accept that there is no hope this time round

[BumblingBee89]

Hi everyone,
First time on this board. I've spent a bit of time reading through and my situation seems trivial in comparison.

I found out I was pregnant last Monday. It was planned, we were delighted! I did two digital tests and four none digital. All positive although none digital fairly faint. Digital said 1-2 weeks.

Starting bleeding yesterday. Went to the hospital, they did a test and said it was negative. They did an internal examination but couldn't say much from there, I think because I would have only been 4-5 weeks.

The doctor advised me to take another test in a week. I asked her for her honest opinion and she said it looks as though I've had an early miscarriage and it's very unlikely that a test in a week will be positive.

Today the bleeding is much heavier, like a period, I've got period pains and any nausea from last week has gone.

I'm very sad. I know it was early, but it was my little seed and, although it was only a week, I felt lots of love for it and felt really protective towards it.

I just want to be really clear. There's no hope here is there? I'm not going to take a test, get a positive and have a scan that by some miracle shows my little seed with its heartbeat am I? Because I know there is no hope really. I know I've had an early miscarriage and I just need to look after myself and try again when we're ready. But there's the smallest, tiniest, minutest flicker of hope somewhere. And I think I just need to be told that I need to focus on getting through what is quite clearly happening.

Thanks for reading. And again, I know this is so trivial compared with the loss many women have experienced on this board. I am so sorry

[Northernlurker]

If the pregnancy was continuing the test that was done yesterday, nearly a week after your positive tests, would have been positive too. It wasn't. I'm really sorry, you aren't pregnant anymore. Be kind to yourself.

[BumblingBee89]

Thank you for your quick reply Northernlurker . I really appreciate the honesty, it's what I need right now. Thank you.

[Ilikesweetpeas]

I'm sorry, I also had an early miscarriage abd it's awful. and for you

[BumblingBee89]

Thank you so much Ilikesweetpeas. I am so sorry that you have been through similar. It is horrible isn't it. I know it was so early. But there was something there. It wasn't just nothing. I had nausea and everything. It sounds silly but I was made up that I had the nausea. I kept saying I wanted all the pregnancy symptoms because I was just so happy to be pregnant.

[Northernlurker]

Of course there was something there. It's totally reasonable and normal to have dreams for a pregnancy, even one that is so short as this. That was your dearly wanted baby and now it won't be. That's hard to take.
Are you due to be at work tomorrow? I would take a couple of days off at least and rest and look after yourself.

[BumblingBee89]

Thank you Nothernlurker for understanding that. It feels very important to me and I don't want to just 'forget' about it. It will always be my first pregnancy and my first little seed.

I am due in work tomorrow and so far I think I'm going to go in. I've got a few things that need doing that if I don't do will cause me more stress. My manager will be really understanding too. Right now I think I'll be best keeping busy.

[peardroplets]

I could have written your exact post for my first pregnancy and miscarriage at five weeks. I remember the devastation even at such an early stage. One thing is different though I didn't go into work for several days and I don't think you should. A miscarriage is not like a period and you need to be kind yourself and process what is happening.

If it's any reassurance I now have a beautiful bouncing one year old. When we had our first miscarriage we said it wasn't that we had lost forever our bean who we were already totally attached to. We decided instead that it was the house that we were building for her wasn't quite right that time and we needed to build a better one. Sure enough we got pregnant again and our bean came back to us in a better house that time and the pregnancy stuck around. It sounds a bit daft but I think thinking of it that way really helped with the grief. Love and hugs xx

[RoseAnnear]

Breaks my heart that it seems you feel you shouldn't be attached. I didn't want children, didn't plan a pregnancy and discovered I was pregnant by being told I was likely miscarrying. Fierce love was the first thing I felt. Primal. Don't ever be sorry about your attachment and don't ever feel your emotions are trivial! I am sending you love and hoping you find your way through this awful time x