Why? What was the point?

[FrazzleRock]

We were blissfully happy and adored eachother and our lives as they were. Things were bloody wonderful. I had been with my amazing partner for seven sweet months before we were surprised with a pregnancy that (although shocked us to begin with) filled us with even more joy and hope and excitement for our future together as a family.

It all ended in complete and utter devastation when the sonographer told us there was no heartbeat at 9 weeks.
I wanted to try again, we did. We lost another.
I wanted to try again, DP said no.
After moving to a new, bigger house which was supposed to house our new family, and now my eldest DS is at secondary school, we do not have enough income left to raise another child.

I am now in a deep dark hole, I hate life, I hate what I've become; Bitter, insanely jealous at any pregnant woman who crosses my path, terribly depressed and a misery around everyone, I don't want to go out and have fun like I used to, I don't want to do anything, I cry all the time. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.

Why did this happen? We were perfectly happy with the way things were going. Not even contemplating another child.
And now I want another child more than anything in the whole world. My whole body aches with yearning.

Its our due date for our lovely little surprise on Saturday. We should be meeting her on Saturday via elective c-section. So many 'should be's'.

I've had to hide all the pregnancy related thrads on MN and hide pregnant friends and family on FB. Its pointless though becasueI can't hide people in the street or on the train. I can't hide all the other threads that talk about pregnancy as its not limited to one topic.

I want my life back. I'm going to counselling in October but I feel like I'm being forced to do this to try and get over my desire for another child. I don't want to get over it. I just want to keep trying for my rainbow that every other miscarriage sufferer seems to be able to do
The baby's room in our new house is now referred to as the 'Spare room'. It's not! It's our baby's room FFS.

I'm just so fucking angry that our blissful life has been destroyed. I'd finally met the man of my dreams after 6 years as a single parent. I was finally happy. But no. How dare I be happy.
Have that Frazzle, you don't deserve happiness.

[FrazzleRock]

I just want to be happy for DP and my children. My eldest is constantly asking me if I'm alright, and DP dreads coming home from work to my miserable face. He told me the other day that he goes to work for a break from it all. I don't blame him. There's only so much support he can give me before he breaks. And he blames himself for causing me a lot of my pain.

And to make matters worse, STBXH is now expecting a child. DP thinks this will fuck up everything for us financially. He can't afford to financially raise his existing children, let alone another one. DP has had to sacrifice is earnings to raise two children that aren't his. Its so fucking unfair.
Yes I realise I sound like a spoilt brat. But the STBXH does not deserve the have that joy that DP and I should be having.

[FrazzleRock]

I guess there really is nothing to say is there.

[MadrigalElectromotive]

Oh OP, I don't know what to say but I saw this in active and couldn't leave it unanswered. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Does your dp know how strongly you desire another child? Would it be worth sharing what you've written here with him?

Sending you lots of good wishes. I hope you manage to find a way through it.

[ralice]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what it feels like. I think counselling will be very good for you. Do you think you could be depressed? Have you approached the GP for antidepressants? There's no shame in it.

You will feel better, I promise

[FrazzleRock]

Thank you for your responses. I didn't think I would get any.
I have been to the GP. The first one was awful and told me I am 'just grieving' and 'it was a bunch of cells' and basically made me feel like shit, pointing out all the things I have and should be happy for.

Second GP was wonderful and has suggested AD's but I'm reluctant to take them. They can't stop me yearning for my rainbow. As soon as I come off them I will be back to this again. GP said I should be on them at least 6 months but I'm living in hope that I miraculously get pregnant so don't want to jeopardise a future pregnancy with drugs. I can barely even drink alcohol without wondering if I'm going to do damage to a possible baby.
I've been referred to the psychiatric nurse at the surgery so I will see her on 4th Oct. But I can't see how any of this is going to help. I just want my rainbow baby.
There are so many people around me getting pregnant and having babies FOUR announcements in the past two weeks from freinds and family. Why is it OK for them and not me?
I just want to run away to a safe place but there is nowhere.

[FrazzleRock]

I meant to add, yes DP does know how desperate I am to try again, but nothing can change the fact that we simply cannot afford to raise another child. My two boys already cost us ridiculous amounts as they get older, just for basic day to day school stuff like lunches and uniform and trips and before and after school childcare.
We are not entitled to any help financially (not that I would expect it considering we both work full time) so it really is down to what we can afford and we are almost at struggling point as it is.
I have no idea what we'd have done if our little baby had survived. I guess we would have coped, but DP doesn't want to just cope, he wants to be able to have money left over to do things. Obviously this is rational and makes complete sense, but I cannot stop this painful desperation.
We were given two babies who were cruelly taken from us. And now I'm left empty.

The fact that it is DP's decision not to try again is hard on us. He sees it that he is the one causing my pain.

Just fucks me off, so many people out there have children, people who have much less than we have, but they get by absolutely fine.

I need to get over myself. But I don't want to. I want to feel my baby in my arms, our baby together, and watch them grow up like I had imagined in those weeks when we were first expecting.

[sianihedgehog]

Op, it really sounds like you're suffering from a depression. There are antidepressants that you can safely take while pregnant. Tell your doctor that you'd still like to try again and he or she will find something that will help. Or ask for a talking therapy instead. And it's not like you'd be straight back to misery when you came off them, either. They can sort of remind you how to be content, so that you can eventually do it without them, or get you well enough to handle the wait for talking therapy that will teach you to be content again.
You could even look at couples therapy with your DP to help you two talk through your different feelings and reactions to the loss. Maybe he is afraid to try again and have more losses as well as afraid of the costs. Maybe you need to talk to him about how giving in when you still want to try feels.

Please keep going and speak to the psychiatric nurse. I know when you're deep in it nothing seems like it can help, but there is so much that can.

[FrazzleRock]

I'm sure I am siani, but I know that it would disappear instantly if we were to try again. DP and I speak all the time about it, he knows how much it is killing me. He can't do anything about it though.
Our biggest issue will be full time childcare when I go back to work. Can't afford for me not to go to work, but there's no way on earth we could afford full time childcare. so it's tough shit.

[StillCounting123]

OP, your posts really struck me. Your anger & grief sounds so similar to mine.

Please be kind to yourself on your due date - take a walk, do a random act of kindness, pray, whatever makes you feel OK.

You have lovely children, and a DP. Focus on the positive, but don't forget what you lost.

I lost a baby in June, right in the middle of a house sale/purchase. We're in the new house now, have two 'spare bedrooms' and I sigh every time I walk past them going up the stairs.

You are not alone in your grief, and I think you articulated it very well on this thread. Your pain can help support others.

I'm currently having my period, hating life, wanting my rainbow baby too.

[FrazzleRock]

StillCounting Thank you for your kind post.
I am so sorry you have also suffered such a cruel loss.

Its so hard because any support group I find on MN or FB is full of women talking about trying again for their rainbow. It hurts so much that we can't.
Although DP has kind of turned it into a 'not right now' rather than 'not ever'. It all depends on when/if we can ever afford it. Until then, I just have to hope that some financial miracle happens. I'm 37 now though. I haven't got forever. I have enough eggs to last me, I can thank PCOS causing lack of ovulation for that, but who knows if they will be any good in years to come.

That spare room is just shit isn't it. I hid myself in there last week when I was having a particularly rough day and lay on the floor hugging the breastfeeding pillow I had bought, sobbing my heart out. Pathetic mess.

[whateverdoidonext]

Hi Frazzle. Nothing to offer but sympathy. Feel similar to you, two lovely DC, but have lost two in the last 24 months. Had always wanted three, but managed to control it, but after this disaster, my desire for a third has gone off the scale and it's ALL I can think about.

I feel absolutely furious and angry at the world, and sad, but also bad and ashamed, because I also know how very lucky we are to have our two. But on the other hand I know loads of other people with three, and think, why not us? And hate myself for that jealousy.

I am older than you, 43 now, and think that was probably our last chance. It's truly shit. You have my sympathy.

[FrazzleRock]

My god whatever I find it hard to find anyone in such a similar shitstorm but you have nailed it with this

absolutely furious and angry at the world, and sad, but also bad and ashamed

I can't imagine ever being content again. It really is literally ALL I can think of. I have nothing to say to pregnant friends. Nothing. I've turned into a horridly bitter miserable cow. I must cry at least 5 times a day, every single day since DP said we can't try anymore. That's a fuck load of tears and stress.

[monkeytree]

Hi Frazzle. You are not alone. Another one here, 42, two dc' and due to fertility issues having another dc is going to be virtually impossible. I also get the spare room thing. Our spare room is full of bits and pieces when it should have a cot in it for my ds whom I lost at 20 Weeks, 18 months ago. I quite frequently feel a sadness when I enter this room so much so, this combined with other reminders of what should have been we are considering moving house in the next year or so. I know I will carry this grief wherever I go but I feel like all the should have beens are very real in this house. The run up to the due date is very poignant and I struggled massively with that, even now I wonder what my ds should be doing now had he lived and I am consumed with anger and bitterness that there are other women in the village walking around with their 3rd or 4th little accident when I have struggled with infertility over the past 5 years. I didn't deserve this and niether did you. True it is good to focus on what you do have but it doesn't stop the longing of what could have been somehow and I totally get the obsession for a rainbow. It looks like early menopause may be fast approaching for me so it looks as if I will be forced to try and move on, its devastating though and I would have gone through the whole thing again in a shot to have another baby in my arms. I have just started to take antidepressants at my gp's insistence, I have been on and off them over the past few months 'just in case' another miracle were to happen but I ended up at the docs recently in tears and she was adamant I should take them, I think I have been written off in the fertility stakes. Counselling has helped, it has alieviated the pressure on dh who does not feel the same way as me and that has made me feel even more alone sometimes, like I'm carrying this alone. I wonder if your DP is worried the same will happen again. I am not saying financial constraints aren't a worry but there could be something more at play here. You need to talk about it though, maybe with the help of a counsellor, in order to avoid resentment festering at a later stage when the decision will be taken out of your hands through menopause etc. Good luck, you are not alone x

[monkeytree]

Oh, and I forgot to add Frazzle, I was blissfully content with my two dc's before becoming pregnant again which was an unexpected surprise (sounds naive but dd2 was a miracle as I was diagnosed fertility issues, unlikely to have any more children) I wish that I had never become pregnant a third time your post what't the point sums it up well. DD1 was dragged through the whole ordeal, being old enough to realize what was going on and I had to try to give my dd's the attention they craved whilst dealing with raw grief, I guess the grief still distracts me - time and energy that I could be directing towards our dd's.

[FrazzleRock]

monkeytree Thank you. I am so sorry, not that it is of any help but you know..
I think AD's might be beneficial to me but I am so scared to become reliant on them.
My DP said that he was seriously considering moving again but we have just become settled in our new village and the move was so stressful we vowed we'd never do it again. I'm not sure I can go through that again to be honest. But the 'spare room' is an issue.

The struggle with fertility was huge when I was ttc my two DC with my Ex H. PCOS is a fucker. 10 years in total with zero contraception and only two pregnancies which I should be very thankful for, and of course I am.
Then his GF gets preg without any trouble whatsoever. DS2 said to me the other day, after talking about our baby who would have been his little sibling, "we are going to get a new baby brother or sister" That cut deep.
He doesn't understand the pain that brings as he is only 7, but it stung hard. Ex H really does not deserve that level of joy.

I do worry about my DS. I haven't properly smiled since we stopped trying again in April. It ust be very hard to have such a depressed mother. I huess I should take the ADs for them if not me.