Late pregnancy loss

[Blueroses99]

My baby boy was born at 21 weeks after my waters broke and I went into early labour on Thursday. It happened so suddenly, I went from feeling my baby move and hearing his strong heartbeat to holding my beautiful son in just a few hours. At 21 weeks, there was no hope of survival, and they didn't even try. The previous week we had an anomaly scan which didn't find any problems. We have agreed to a post mortem and are awaiting results of various tests. He was already much loved and much longed for, after 3 years TTC and a second cycle of IVF.

We haven't named our baby yet, as we only just found out that it was a boy at the 20wk scan. We had a cute nickname since I found out I was pregnant but didn't really discuss names. We sort of thought of one but it doesn't suit him and also the name means 'life' so it's quite hard for us to think of him with that name. How do we find a name for our baby? How did anyone else do this?

Generally wanted to hear any other stories and wondering if anyone has any words of advice to cope, what helped, what didn't?

[Lilly948204]

So sorry to hear this, I recently miscarried, but it was very early compared to you. Sending love and support xxx

[LolaStarr]

The exact same thing happened to me last year. Same gestation, mine was a little boy as well. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. We named our little one Jake, we had already picked his name out as we found out he was a boy at a 16 week scan.

There's absolutely nothing I can suggest to make things easier for you, the only thing that worked for me was time. It's been 16 months for me now, I'm pregnant again with a little girl this time, and although I'm a lot better than I was I still think about him all the time and occasionally have a little cry. Let yourself grieve. I really hope you have good supportive family and friends to help you get through it. If you need someone to talk to at any time feel free to PM me, I know exactly how you're feeling

[Blueroses99]

Thanks for the kind words Lilly. I am sorry to hear of your loss and hope you have the support you need to recover.

[Blueroses99]

Thanks for sharing your story Lola. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that I'm still shell shocked but I am realising that I'm not the only person in the world to have gone through this huge traumatic event.

Did you get any answers as to why it happened and did you do anything differently this time around? So pleased to hear about your little girl too, great to have some good news, and your words give me a glimmer of hope for the future.

[AvaMercy]

Hi Blue,

I am so sorry that you're here and have had this happen. I have had a similar thing happen to me just over three months ago when I was a day short of 18weeks. The pregnancy was also a result of fertility treatment so I feel like I can understand some of what you're going through.

In terms of names, at the time I just couldn't bring myself to choose a name for him. Maybe I was scared it made it all too real, I'm not sure. We ended up sticking with the nickname we gave him as it suited him and it was who he was to us. I also know it would have been my nickname for him through the rest of his life. Naming him also sort of felt like we would be talking about someone else or something. 3 months on and I'm content with decision. When my DH and I talk about him we use the nickname and it feels as right as anything we could have chosen.

This is all so fresh for you do I would say take your time to decide. There is no need to rush just yet.

Once again, so very sorry for what you and your other half are going through.

Have your hospital offered counselling? My only advice would be to consider taking it. I was very resistant at first but in the end I realised that I really needed to talk to someone neutral who wouldn't feel sorry for me or be affected by what I said. I've inly had one session so far but honestly it really reallyhelped me. But understand everyone is different.

Three months on and I'm feeling more like myself. I still think of my boy and I'm still making sense of what has happened but I feel like my mind, body and soul is healing. You will feel better, but it takes time.

Hope what I've said has made some sense and has helped in some small way.

Lots of love to you. X

[LolaStarr]

Yes blue we know why it happened with me, it wasn't as sudden as yours. I'd been bleeding with no obvious cause since I was around 10 weeks, when I got to 18 weeks it got bad and I spent a lot of time in hospital. I lost so much blood I needed quite a big blood transfusion. Eventually I ended up with a huge clot behind the placenta and it detached.

You're definitely not alone with this, you don't realise how many people it happens to until it happens to you, and people start sharing their stories.

It took us nearly a year before we were ready to start trying again, I didn't think I'd want to at all for a long time.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself xx

[Blueroses99]

Hi Ava, sorry for your loss but thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope that time might heal.

I fully understand your reasons for sticking by your nickname, I felt the same at first. But after a while, I think we made the decision to name our baby so that he has an identity in the eyes of our friends and family and the rest of the world. The nickname that we chose was never meant to stick. If we'd have chosen a more permanent nickname, we might have kept it.

Thanks for the tips on counselling, I will look into what's available.

[Blueroses99]

Thanks Lola, that sounds like a very unusual and unlucky thing to happen.

You are right, people I know have started to open up to me about their experiences and I'm feeling much less alone xx

[JOMH1982]

Hi,

I'm so very sorry to read your sad news. I lost a baby at 19+6 ten days before Christmas last year. It was very sudden, I lost her due to weak cervix and/or infection. I still feel very emotionally battered by the whole experience, particularly as a lot of friends had babies around the same time, and my sister in law has PND so it's the opposite end of the spectrum, but I have survived the worst and I am still here, and so are all these other ladies on here. You won't feel like you'll make it, but you will, and the pain subsides over time and you learn to live with it slightly better as time passes. You notice this as times goes past and you look back and see how far you've come. Seek counselling, open up to family and friends when you are ready to, and sadly accept that some people will say the wrong thing. But only because they don't know what to say. I always thank people for asking how I am, even 7 months on, as it acknowledges that Faith was here.

Sending you love and warmth at this difficult time xx

[Blueroses99]

Thank you JOMH, I hope to have some of your strength xx

[Blueroses99]

I'm finding the tears and emotions are physically exhausting, but I'm also having cramps and heavy bleeding. My breasts ache and feel really heavy. They are so hot and itchy in this heat, not helped by the fact that the only thing that eases the belly cramps is a hot water bottle.

Can anyone please tell me how long the bleeding and sore breasts usually lasts?

[gingerbreadmanm]

i'm so sorry to read your story blue. how are you feeling?

i lost ds at 27 weeks last year (almost his birthday) we were having extra scans due to an anomaly found at 20 weeks and ar a scan at 27 weeks discovered he had died.

those first few days / weeks / months are such a shock and you tend to feel so alone. the truth is, there is no love as strong as a mums. it does feel better over time though. it goes from being constant, to waves which happen less and less.

i recently joined a sands support group, it took me this long to feel up to it. it was such a great move though. to be able to talk to other people who had experienced that loss. who had an inlking of how you feel.

we had a post mortem but no cause of death was found. it helped to know there was nothing we could do. we named our son lucas. it was the only name dp liked. i went through a phase not long ago of regretting that decisiom but tbh i think its all grief.

i dont know what your plans are for a funeral service / burial / cremation but we chose to bury lucas. this was one thing i wish i had thoughr anout more, dp and i arent married so he was put in my dp's surname and seeing that on his headstone all the time and him having no real link to me is something i will always regret.

someone from sands recommended a lovely site to me that sells lots of nice baby loss things. if you are interested let me know. it sounds silly but in the beginning finding things for his grave etc really gave me a purpose.

[gingerbreadmanm]

forgot to add, if his nickname wasnt a silly one could you use that?

if not i would pick something classic. what kind of names did you like?

[Blueroses99]

Hi Ginger, thanks for sharing your story.

I fully understand about the name on the headstone being upsetting (I don't know about these things, can it be changed or would it be even more upsetting to disturb the grave?). We are thinking of a cremation and either storing or scattering the ashes somewhere special. But I can't plan the funeral until the post mortem is completed and this takes place in a different location so we're waiting for him to return.

We hadn't really discussed names because we are from different cultures and we wanted a name that worked in both of our languages and also in English. There are a number of girls names that are common across all three languages but we hadn't found many boys names, and thought we had plenty of time to think about it. Over the last few days, although my husband and I were calling our baby by his nickname, to everyone else he is just 'the baby'. So we wanted a name so he had an identity separate from his father and I. Actually we found a name after I saw Lola's post above. I looked up names beginning with J (DH's initial) and found Jovan, which has lots of meanings, all of which feel very poignant and suit our little boy.

I would be very interested in the baby loss keepsakes, please do pass on the details. I would like something I can keep with me always.

Are you going to mark Lucas's birthday? Jovan was born only a few days after my birthday and as it was a 'big' one this year, I had a celebration with friends and family. I wonder how I'll feel about my birthday in future knowing I'll be thinking of Jovan. He was supposed to be born close to my husbands birthday in November!!

[gingerbreadmanm]

tried to post a few times now. this is the link www.libertyrainne.co.uk/

jovan is a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. i will try and post more later on.

[LolaStarr]

Jovan is a gorgeous name x